New job,

[HillebrandC12B]

So i started my new job today, after the whole botched planned cbt date.. to try and give it a go. To say the least im finding it incredibly difficult to just mask the fact i want to die and be around people. Im not sure if i made the right choice to stick around. I dont want to hurt anymore people than it might hurt. But at the same time, all i want to do is CTB tonight.

 

[Jean Améry]

Good for you: I know it's hard to find and keep a job when feeling like that. Hopefully it'll get easier as you get used to it. It helps realizing that most people don't give a f*** about what's going on with others around them and probably find their life incredibly hard aswell although they'll never admit it.

Whether you made the right choice or not remains to be seen. Since you've made the choice to live for now you might aswell give it a fair shake so to speak. There is truth in the saying that it's always possible to CTB later although I don't agree with the notion that it's never a good time to kick the bucket.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hi brother,
This sounds like a very surreal situation.
I hope this isn't misplaced to say well done for landing a new job.
I know that may not feel like some light but to be in the (employed) position you are means you must be doing something right. Maybe you feel awful and screwed up inside (I know that feeling well).
Can you make a choice, a desison about not hurting people, about being the better man not just to others, but also yourself?
I'm wishing for peace, kindness and compassion to come your way brother, what ever that means for you, I want to take away your pain and for light to find you.
Good luck friend.
DBD

 

[Lostandfound7]

Wow! That is awesome Honey! I'm so jealous! U might b surprised on how much u love it n it just might change ur mind about ctb..Plz keep us posted. I wanna hear all about ur first day!!

 

[gnomeboy17]

So i started my new job today, after the whole botched planned cbt date.. to try and give it a go. To say the least im finding it incredibly difficult to just mask the fact i want to die and be around people. Im not sure if i made the right choice to stick around. I dont want to hurt anymore people than it might hurt. But at the same time, all i want to do is CTB tonight.

I really admire you for giving it a go! I don't even have a job. I completely understand why you'd find it difficult, but I'm genuinely so proud of you for managing. I get why you'd want to CTB tonight, but did any aspects of the job go well? Maybe just give it a bit longer and having a job may help give meaning to your life. Best wishes x

 

[Ghost2211]

Congrats! Give it a little time. Maybe the new job will help balance life a bit.

 

[HillebrandC12B]

Wow! That is awesome Honey! I'm so jealous! U might b surprised on how much u love n it just might change ur mind about ctb..Plz keep us posted. I wanna hear all about ur first day!!

Its a traveling service tech job and i thought it would get me away from a lot of my issues being a traveling job or not, but i have a bad habit of associating certain things or people, with other things and people i consider triggers. And it was rough, the entire time i just didnt want to be there, i wanted to go home, grab the rope, and ctb. Im still left with that feeling. And the ropes still down there.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I understand..r u doing any type of therapy or meds for this?

 

[HillebrandC12B]

I really admire you for giving it a go! I don't even have a job. I completely understand why you'd find it difficult, but I'm genuinely so proud of you for managing. I get why you'd want to CTB tonight, but did any aspects of the job go well? Maybe just give it a bit longer and having a job may help give meaning to your life. Best wishes x

The people seemed okay, and its a very small company. They had 22 applicants and i was the only one chosen. So that made me smile a bit. But the triggers there, at least at the main office are going to keep me in a shell. I just kept thinking of coming home and ctb.

 

[Lostandfound7]

Wow! Out of 22! Impressive my dear!

 

[HillebrandC12B]

I understand..r u doing any type of therapy or meds for this?

Ive tried therapy, and a few different meds. But none of it worked at all really, i guess it kept me sedated enough not to do anything. But i cant really have certain things, as an OD was one of my attempts.

 

[Lostandfound7]

But the triggers there...

Do u mind explaining/sharing the triggers?

Ive tried therapy, and a few different meds. But none of it worked at all really, i guess it kept me sedated enough not to do anything. But i cant really have certain things, as an OD was one of my attempts.

Oh I see..how about a hobby? Or exercise? Socializing with friends?

 

[HillebrandC12B]

A few really, its close to where i used to live right outside the town really, and it brings back memories of when i was still living with my girlfriend, and obviously when i was in a better place. And a co worker, used to work with me when i worked at my old job also back when i was in a better place. And then i have small triggers, like our office table being a bowling ally, that was her and Is weekly date.. everything ties back to when i felt like i was okay. I have abandonment issues i guess, and when someone leaves. It tears me apart.

Do u mind explaining/sharing the triggers?

Oh I see..how about a hobby? Or exercise? Socializing with friends?

Ive tried every hobby i used to enjoy.. aside from bowling.. for obvious reasons and none bring anything for me. Which i dont understand at all. Friends yeah, i kind of only have one now. I couldnt take the attachments of some of my other friends any more.
And well after my first attempt, not a single one will talk to me anyways. The ex wont either. Hell my mom hasnt spoken a word about. Dad doesnt exist. I feel guilty because i have a daughter, but her mom hardly lets me see her unless its for something she wants.. and I cant emotionally connect to anyone anyways. Im too consumed.

 

[Lostandfound7]

OK I understand how difficult that could b ..I'm nowhere near a psychologist, so I wonder what advice one would give on dealing with triggers in ptsd..b right back..need to check that out..

 

[HillebrandC12B]

It makes things difficult. The od attempt, honestly was easiest didnt feel the greatest and didnt work, but i didnt have an issue doing it. The only thing holding me back is not knowing if people do care, or dont care in my life. I dont want to hurt them if they care, and i really dont wanna be alive if they dont. And them not soeaking to me, just shows they dont.

 

[Deleted member 15021]

Congratulations on your new job; I'm sorry to hear it's difficult.

I'm actually in a super similar situation right now. Tonight was supposed to be the night I CTBed, but then the job I applied for to keep my friends & family in the dark bought my start date forwards and I ended up working a 9 hour shift instead. The people are great and I love the environment, but all I could think throughout the hole shift is "I really want to kill myself right now". As it turns out I'm so exhausted I can't even think well enough to go through with it tonight, but it's hard to balance a job when all you want to do is not be alive anymore.

I hope you manage to find a solution for your situation soon. I don't really have much in the way of advice but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.