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[undertherainbow]

Around mothers day this year, we buried our baby after a miscarriage. After giving birth in my bathroom, I now have PTSD and am unable to work (I was a teacher, can't even look at kids/mothers without a complete meltdown).
Now I pretty much live in my bed, and leach off of my husband. I tried to ctb by shooting myself, but that method freaked me out and I failed and ended up in a psych ward for a few days.
Since then my husband has blamed himself and claims he wants to ctb too if I succeed. His choice I guess? I selfishly want him to move on and marry and have kids but I guess that's not very fair of me.
This weekend, one of his employees that he barely knew and did not even like, ctb. My husband immediately blamed himself. I don't want him to do the same when I go, but I don't know how to prevent that.
The pain of losing a child on top of having such a crappy life that even therapists agree...its just not fair.
Since my revolver got taken away and the messiness of the method still freaks me out (I have no desire to buy a new one), my current method is partial hanging with sedatives. I tested it, and everything is good to go for the right time. I'm so excited knowing that I have a more peaceful way when I'm ready.

Looking forward to meeting everyone during my stay!

 

[InkBlot]

Around mothers day this year, we buried our baby after a miscarriage. After giving birth in my bathroom, I now have PTSD and am unable to work (I was a teacher, can't even look at kids/mothers without a complete meltdown).
Now I pretty much live in my bed, and leach off of my husband. I tried to ctb by shooting myself, but that method freaked me out and I failed and ended up in a psych ward for a few days.
Since then my husband has blamed himself and claims he wants to ctb too if I succeed. His choice I guess? I selfishly want him to move on and marry and have kids but I guess that's not very fair of me.
This weekend, one of his employees that he barely knew and did not even like, ctb. My husband immediately blamed himself. I don't want him to do the same when I go, but I don't know how to prevent that.
The pain of losing a child on top of having such a crappy life that even therapists agree...its just not fair.
Since my revolver got taken away and the messiness of the method still freaks me out (I have no desire to buy a new one), my current method is partial hanging with sedatives. I tested it, and everything is good to go for the right time. I'm so excited knowing that I have a more peaceful way when I'm ready.

Looking forward to meeting everyone during my stay!

I lost 2 children to miscarriages with my ex. They were incredibly difficult. Even today, I struggle around kids, evening holding one. I am sorry for your loss. It does get easier with time.

 

[Hanger]

Hi! Feel yourself hugged because of loosing your child. I know that is hard. Have you ever asked your husband if he wants to hang with you?

 

[bigj75]

Nice to meet you. That's a rough one. The therapist even agreeing with the unfairness of it all. The partial hanging method is how I want to go aswell.

 

[undertherainbow]

Hi! Feel yourself hugged because of loosing your child. I know that is hard. Have you ever asked your husband if he wants to hang with you?

Thank you. I considered this, but he's too "normal" and would probably have me committed again. I don't fully believe him when he said he wanted to ctb too. I think he was just being emotional. He actually has a big family that loves him, friends and a career so he probably won't go through with it. I think deep down he knows this too.

 

[Hanger]

I see. It´s just because my last girlfriend asked me if I wanted to hang with, but I thought I couldn´t do that. I wish I would have hanged next to her... After her funeral I hanged myself but was saved. I miss her until today and regret that I didn´t hang with her to death. Altough this is 12 years ago

 

[undertherainbow]

Im sorry to hear that. You just weren't ready in that moment and that's okay.

I see. It´s just because my last girlfriend asked me if I wanted to hang with, but I thought I couldn´t do that. I wish I would have hanged next to her... After her funeral I hanged myself but was saved. I miss her until today and regret that I didn´t hang with her to death. Altough this is 12 years ago

 

[Hanger]

Thanks. That´s just why I think you should talk with your husband. Maybe it could be easier if you do it together

 

[undertherainbow]

Nice to meet you. That's a rough one. The therapist even agreeing with the unfairness of it all. The partial hanging method is how I want to go aswell.

Yeah the one therapist was a straight up jerk, but at least she was honest.
At one point our conversation went something like this:
Her:do you have feelings of hurting yourself
Me:well I get PTSD intrusive thoughts where I see myself hanging from a tree
Her:well you tried to shoot yourself before, not hanging, so you're fine. Your life sucks, and I still don't trust you. Can I see you everyday?
Me:No.
Okay so maybe not exactly like that but pretty close....

 

[undertherainbow]

Thanks. That´s just why I think you should talk with your husband. Maybe it could be easier if you do it together

I'll think about it some more, and see how he responds to his employees ctb. He's acting a bit weird about it.

 

[Hanger]

I see. Whatever will happen, I hope your hanging will be quick and peaceful and you will meet your child

 

[undertherainbow]

I lost 2 children to miscarriages with my ex. They were incredibly difficult. Even today, I struggle around kids, evening holding one. I am sorry for your loss. It does get easier with time.

I'm sorry to hear that. Miscarriages are the worst. Literally all of his cousins are having their baby showers around the time of my original due date (late nov) and I just can't handle thinking about it.

 

[Nowayout]

I see. It´s just because my last girlfriend asked me if I wanted to hang with, but I thought I couldn´t do that. I wish I would have hanged next to her... After her funeral I hanged myself but was saved. I miss her until today and regret that I didn´t hang with her to death. Altough this is 12 years ago

I was wondering about the details of your gf's hanging if you don't mind me asking. Was it full suspension and where. I'm starting to really question whether partial is even possible. I realize you probably won't know.... How do you plan on doing it ?