Trazohell

Trazohell

Naive fool
Sep 25, 2019
8
Hello,

I am a 25 year old man from Germany.
I have been struggling with clinical depression, personality disorder and later anxiety since 2012.
In 2015, I had SSRI prescribed by a psychiatrist whom I took until the beginning of 2017 because they stopped working.
I got a numb penis after weaning, but luckily it disappeared within months.
I then read for the first time about PSSD (Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction) and decided to stay away from these drugs in the future.
I met a girl and my libido was insane, maybe even better than ever in my life and also before SSRI.
Whatever, she actually had a boyfriend, but it didn't go well with him anymore. We fell in love, it was perfect. I thought I met the woman I have been waiting for a long time.
Then, June 2017, she began to stood me up: no money, no time, sick ...
I realized something was wrong and developed sleep disturbance from that day on because I was worried about losing her.
At a festival we met for the last time. She said she wanted to play with open cards and tell her boyfriend everything.
In addition, she would be nervous at the end (she also had depression) and she would soon go into rehab.
She said from her own experience, she would tear all into the abyss. But I was blind with love and we decided that she talks to her boyfriend and we try a love triangle.
It took weeks, on demand how it's going on, she tell she would take it slow. Then months, her rehab was on and I thought everything would get better from now on and we would see us soon again.
I cried a lot at the time because my gut feeling told me that we would never see each other again in the loving way.
She wrote me that I am a wonderful person but she is afraid of perfection.
Then I became angry and confronted her with everything, then she blocked me in WhatsApp and Facebook.
Meanwhile, I was mentally injured, severe depression, anxiety and depersonalization due to the loss and stress.
I enrolled in a psychiatric hospital and was soon admitted. I accepted the breakup and decided to move on with my life but sleep disorders persisted. I also had such a strong fear that I became paranoid and thought the other patients or the hospital kitchen might pour something into my glass to hurt me.
So I asked for benzodiazepines that they did not want to give me because they could make them dependent.
I googled for medications and decided on Trazodon. I read somewhere that it is in the US, the most prescriped sleeping pills and should have no sexual side effects, it could even be "prosexual" (lol).
I took the pills only 11 times and stopped when I noticed testicular pain, weak erections, and a libido near zero.
Too late. To this day I suffer from a loss of libido, weak erections, pelvic and prostate pain, cognitive difficulties, anhedonia, ...

There is no treatment for it. Studies are just starting and a remedy is expected in 10 years (optimistic) or more.
I have already tried out a lot of potential remedies from the PSSD community, so far without much success.
I have come to the end with my Latin and my strength.
I was a smart, handsome young man who was joking and looking forward to life. Despite depression, he had a deep passion and an insane sexual function that other men only dreamed of. Nothing is left of it.
After depression has taken so much, I've lost the pitiful remnant of myself.
I have no pride anymore. I had break my nerves for a woman, although I could had someone who just wants me. I betrayed my body by exposing it to a disgusting chemical.
I put my fingers in my ass out of desperation to massage the prostate and the pelvic floor, while the girl I talked about is grinning today and does not even look at me with her ass.

I had the chance to stay away from people and medications that didn't do me any good. I did not appreciate what I had. Now I got the receipt for everything.

My story is similar to that of Zadig777, which was also destroyed by Trazodon. I hope to find the most suitable method for me, if I decide to take this step.

regards
 
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Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Hungry Ghost
Dec 9, 2018
570
Omg honey, I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. Humans are sexual beings and I understand, that for you as a man to have this must feel like a living death. If I were in your shoes, I would not want to live either. Are you sure there is no cure? It would suck to CBT if there was I m sure youve done a lot of reasearch... These drugs have so much deadly shit in them... thats why I would rather die than live a life of pills, therapy, hospital visits, phych wards.... I mean what kind of fucking life is that? Wow... there is so much tragedy in the world... your totally justified in how you feel and considering ctb. Part of my wating to die has to do with a kind of sexual brokeness... Its traumatic... I hope you find relief and a solution that is suitable to you.... Im so sorry for all of your loss, anguish, dissapointment, betrayal and just being the victim of life itself.... you tried to do the "right" thing and it fucked you over... welcome to the club... many of us started out with so much ambition , life, dreams, we had stuff going on, things weren't always awful... and then. Something happens and it all changes. Forever. Some choose to stay in this life and hack it out. Others say, fuck this. Whatever you choose, your not alone...

Endless respect. .

Huggz
 
Rachel74

Rachel74

Enlightened
Sep 7, 2019
1,716
Sending huge hugs your way.
Now for me the loss of my libido is better than the loss of my mind. I've zero libido and no sex drive at all. I hate it as my partner misses sex but it's the option I have to take to stay alive. I so wish I could you better but you need to try and figure out what is more important your depression or your sex life?
 
Trazohell

Trazohell

Naive fool
Sep 25, 2019
8
Omg honey, I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. Humans are sexual beings and I understand, that for you as a man to have this must feel like a living death. If I were in your shoes, I would not want to live either. Are you sure there is no cure? It would suck to CBT if there was I m sure youve done a lot of reasearch... These drugs have so much deadly shit in them... thats why I would rather die than live a life of pills, therapy, hospital visits, phych wards.... I mean what kind of fucking life is that? Wow... there is so much tragedy in the world... your totally justified in how you feel and considering ctb. Part of my wating to die has to do with a kind of sexual brokeness... Its traumatic... I hope you find relief and a solution that is suitable to you.... Im so sorry for all of your loss, anguish, dissapointment, betrayal and just being the victim of life itself.... you tried to do the "right" thing and it fucked you over... welcome to the club... many of us started out with so much ambition , life, dreams, we had stuff going on, things weren't always awful... and then. Something happens and it all changes. Forever. Some choose to stay in this life and hack it out. Others say, fuck this. Whatever you choose, your not alone...

Endless respect. .

Huggz
Yes you say it, traumatic, nothing is the way it was ...
I try with cabergoline (Dopamin-Agonist) my maybe last protocoll.
Thank you for your compassion. What happened to you?
Sending huge hugs your way.
Now for me the loss of my libido is better than the loss of my mind. I've zero libido and no sex drive at all. I hate it as my partner misses sex but it's the option I have to take to stay alive. I so wish I could you better but you need to try and figure out what is more important your depression or your sex life?
I would rather have my fear and old depression back instead of being a zombie without real ups and downs.
 
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Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Hungry Ghost
Dec 9, 2018
570
Got severley tramatized by a crazy guy I was in love with still have ptsd over it a year later & that was the straw that broke the camels back Im just.... tired been a long life of unhappiness & suffering. ....
 
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Shakespear's Brother

Member
Sep 10, 2019
297
I googled for medications and decided on Trazodon. I read somewhere that it is in the US, the most prescriped sleeping pills and should have no sexual side effects, it could even be "prosexual" (lol).
I took the pills only 11 times and stopped when I noticed testicular pain, weak erections, and a libido near zero.
Too late. To this day I suffer from a loss of libido, weak erections, pelvic and prostate pain, cognitive difficulties, anhedonia, ...
Damn sorry that happened to you. That all fucking sucks.

I took trazdone for about 4 years myself.

I got off it because it really only allowed me to sleep for 4 hours at a time, it has a short half life so it really is crap for anything other than putting a person to sleep; it's not useful for helping a person stay asleep. Then when I would wake up after 4 hours, I would feel restless and it was difficult to go back to sleep.

And it caused me to have worse nightmares.

The dry mouth side effect was unpleasant for me. I think that was the start of a lot of my dental problems.

I had just the opposite reaction to it, though: it gave me frequent, long-lasting, very hard erections and ramped my libido way up. One of the know side effects is priapism.
 
Trazohell

Trazohell

Naive fool
Sep 25, 2019
8
Got severley tramatized by a crazy guy I was in love with still have ptsd over it a year later & that was the straw that broke the camels back Im just.... tired been a long life of unhappiness & suffering. ....
Hey you ... that's not worth this asshole. Find a good therapist and work the shit instead of pushing you around on such sites. You are (apparently) not physically damaged, you can get it out of there.
Damn sorry that happened to you. That all fucking sucks.

I took trazdone for about 4 years myself.

I got off it because it really only allowed me to sleep for 4 hours at a time, it has a short half life so it really is crap for anything other than putting a person to sleep; it's not useful for helping a person stay asleep. Then when I would wake up after 4 hours, I would feel restless and it was difficult to go back to sleep.

And it caused me to have worse nightmares.

The dry mouth side effect was unpleasant for me. I think that was the start of a lot of my dental problems.

I had just the opposite reaction to it, though: it gave me frequent, long-lasting, very hard erections and ramped my libido way up. One of the know side effects is priapism.

Yes I know these reports of such side effects. That's why I was so naive and thought it was safe, but my body has responded completely paradoxically :/
 
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Dawn0071111

Dawn0071111

Hungry Ghost
Dec 9, 2018
570
I wonder why people keep hinting at this with me on this site? Its not a bad thing, but I know we want to see people live & not die. .. And maybe he's not worth it but I feel like the mental damage that I live with even before him is like physical. There are no cures for personality disorders... for being psycologically warped.. there is treatment... I do have a therapist... But I feel so committed to my ctb plan. But your so sweet, your just being honest... I feel like I have the mental version of pssd. Its hard to explain, but always feeling, empty, disconnected, sad, bored, unable to connect with others, lonely & I seem to destroy everything I touch. But yes, you are right! I do not have a serious physical disability, Im buds with a few on here who do.... I feel like Im a special kind of fucked up to want to die when I have all the tools at my disposal, but Im just an angry toddler inside and Im just kicking it all over and saying "fuck you"... maybe I will find the motivation to put in the work to save myself, maybe I won't. .. But my twisted soul says it has to be my decision & mine alone...
But overall thank you for your kind words. Keep us posted on your journey.:hug:
 

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