Venting New here. Just wanted to vent.

[Awake47]

Had plans to spend time with a friend but his father's visitor decided to sexually assault me during a panic attack.

Ever since then I've been having these trance like states where my brain can't think of a single thing, my head will hurt & I will just stare nonstop with a lack of any emotion.

If it's not that then I am refusing to eat & have these moments where I feel drowsy for no reason, even after a full night's rest.

That & I've been having auditory hallucinations of someone in the house, who's voice is not recognised & when I check the house, it's just nobody there or it'll be an auditory hallucination of someone playing a somewhat peaceful melody on a piano.

I've been thinking about self harming ever since this incident. Nothing too groovy - just your usual razor blade to the wrist scenario & the curiousity gets to me. Wanting to know how much more pain I can truly take.

I've been through hell & back nearly my entire life. I'm surprised I didn't end up dying all the other times I've tried to kick the bucket. Am I strong or is it just simply not my time to go yet.?

Advice is appreciated. This is a safe haven. I will not judge you seeing as I am no better myself but I will say that it is nice being here and I hope I can meet people who will understand me on these journeys.

 

[KuroiSH]

Welcome. Sorry you had to go through that, it's terrible that you were taken advantage of in your most vulnerable moment.

Some people perceive me as emotionless or even apathetic for that very same reason. I tend to space out with many thoughts coming at once, with a blank expression on my face.

I do often feel drowsy, even after a full night's sleep, seemingly for no reason, too. Perhaps the whole auditory hallucinations and the peaceful melody on a piano is due to stress or anxiety, though I couldn't say for sure. I've once been so anxious I started hearing a soft guitar strumming, but everybody insisted there was no such sound.

I'd recommend you don't try self-harm. It can easily go from morbid curiosity to a terrible addiction. It's very enticing when you're in a terrible situation, but it generally does you more harm than good. If you absolutely must try it, though, make sure to be careful, and to not cut too deep. It's shocking how easy it is to accidentally cut way deeper than you intended to.

Have you ever thought about taking your life, or something similar?

 

[angel31]

Fuck… im so sorry all of this happened to u, u truly dont deserve it… but welcome to the forum, i hope i like it here :)

I know this maybe sounds a bit dumb, but have u tried getting professional help? Imo its always better to try the recovery path first and u dont have to tell a therapist everything…

I really wouldn't recommend trying self-harm, its really addicting and only offers u short term relief. But if u still try it please please please treat ur wounds, desinfect them, bandage them etc. this is really important, with cutting there is always the risk of getting serious infections in ur body.

I really hope ull feel better soon, if u ever have questions or just wanna chat or vent u can always PM me :) have a beautiful day or night or whatever u have rn:) seniding u a big big hug

 

[Awake47]

Welcome. Sorry you had to go through that, it's terrible that you were taken advantage of in your most vulnerable moment.

Some people perceive me as emotionless or even apathetic for that very same reason. I tend to space out with many thoughts coming at once, with a blank expression on my face.

I do often feel drowsy, even after a full night's sleep, seemingly for no reason, too. Perhaps the whole auditory hallucinations and the peaceful melody on a piano is due to stress or anxiety, though I couldn't say for sure. I've once been so anxious I started hearing a soft guitar strumming, but everybody insisted there was no such sound.

I'd recommend you don't try self-harm. It can easily go from morbid curiosity to a terrible addiction. It's very enticing when you're in a terrible situation, but it generally does you more harm than good. If you absolutely must try it, though, make sure to be careful, and to not cut too deep. It's shocking how easy it is to accidentally cut way deeper than you intended to.

Have you ever thought about taking your life, or something similar?

It's nice to meet you. And yes, although it was a horrible thing that had happened to me & as much as I would like to go back and m*rder the man for what he had tried to do to me, I cannot afford to go to jail.
I stayed calm & peaceful until I had found a way out of that house & once I returned home, I told my grandmother & she sent me to my bedroom & just told me to get some rest while her & the family sort it out for me.


I'm sorry that people perceive you as that
We've only just met & I don't see you that way
I'm sure you have your reasons for not being able to express emotions, such as I.

As for the hallucinations. It's hard to tell what the person is saying specifically but I can hear the voice coming from somewhere.
I naturally race to the other rooms to make sure nobody has broken in & then feel crazy because I find nobody there.
The piano on the other hand is just relaxing & I wish I could just listen to it forever.

Also, don't worry about the self harm. There is currently nothing sharp and useful for me to hurt myself with.
Butters knives 2 go. They won't do anything & I don't plan on giving myself an icepick lobotomy with one.

I understand the addiction side to it though. Did it years ago for a long time just to feel something, anything, like I was alive & mattered.
I haven't harmes myself for years. Only torture I face is the demons in head & they've been trying to come out & dance lately .

Sometimes I do think about what it would be like to kill myself but a bear thing I've been able to do for a long time is think too far ahead into the future .

The consequences of my actions.

What if it went wrong? What of someone finds me in the middle of the act? How painful is dying?

These things make me procrastinate when I'm ready to kick the bucket & say fuck you to the world.

 

[Awake47]

Fuck… im so sorry all of this happened to u, u truly dont deserve it… but welcome to the forum, i hope i like it here :)

I know this maybe sounds a bit dumb, but have u tried getting professional help? Imo its always better to try the recovery path first and u dont have to tell a therapist everything…

I really wouldn't recommend trying self-harm, its really addicting and only offers u short term relief. But if u still try it please please please treat ur wounds, desinfect them, bandage them etc. this is really important, with cutting there is always the risk of getting serious infections in ur body.

I really hope ull feel better soon, if u ever have questions or just wanna chat or vent u can always PM me :) have a beautiful day or night or whatever u have rn:) seniding u a big big hug

I appreciate this.

I've been browsing around for a while & was nervous at first because I get anxious around new people but everyone is so chill and friendly here.



And surprisingly my case manager from the mental health department rang me earlier today & I told her everything that has happened & she spoke to her team manager & is going to be showing up to my house tomorrow & see what help they can provide for me.
It's scary telling her all the truly awful stuff but it felt good not hiding things from her at the same time.

As for the self harm, I've been doing whatever I can to keep myself occupied. Watching anime or listening to music is what I've been doing lately & it helps. If I did end up harming I'd make sure to keep a first aid kit & not cut too deep.
Definitely not ready to feel how painful that shit is. I wanna stick around & discover more shitty jazz music I've never even heard of before .

And thank you for talking to me, I'll definitely reach out sometime soon.
I hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are in the world :) <3

 

[MusicGuy]

I do not recommend you doing sh, but if you do try to do it in a non-visible zone, its akward trying to convince others that your cat attacked you 10 times and you didn't react. Hope things get better for you, stay safe

 

[angel31]

I've been browsing around for a while & was nervous at first because I get anxious around new people but everyone is so chill and friendly here.

Rlly no one here will judge u in any way,(and if they do fuck them) this is a rlly nice community, according 2 my experience

And surprisingly my case manager from the mental health department rang me earlier today & I told her everything that has happened & she spoke to her team manager & is going to be showing up to my house tomorrow & see what help they can provide for me.

Ok thats good, I hope they can help u and they probably can, good luck im keeping my fingers crossed <3

It's scary telling her all the truly awful stuff but it felt good not hiding things from her at the same time.

I know that feeling, if u dont wanna tell u some things u dont have 2, but its always better to tell, these people know how 2 help u

As for the self harm, I've been doing whatever I can to keep myself occupied. Watching anime or listening to music is what I've been doing lately & it helps. If I did end up harming I'd make sure to keep a first aid kit & not cut too deep.

If u really cant resist anymore, u could try some less permanent and safer methods like filling a bowl with really cold water, put icecubes in there and then hold ur face in there for a bit or just hold the cubes to ur body. U could also try hitting ur leg or smth with u belt or smth like that. Or wearing an elastic band loosely around ur arm and snapping it.
(I would urge u to read this so u know what to do: https://www.combined.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/attachments/self-harm-limiting-the-damage-camhs.pdf)

And thank you for talking to me, I'll definitely reach out sometime soon.
I hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are in the word :) <3

Awww thx it rlly made me smile reading this, love

 

[Awake47]

Rlly no one here will judge u in any way,(and if they do fuck them) this is a rlly nice community, according 2 my experience

Ok thats good, I hope they can help u and they probably can, good luck im keeping my fingers crossed <3

I know that feeling, if u dont wanna tell u some things u dont have 2, but its always better to tell, these people know how 2 help u

If u really cant resist anymore, u could try some less permanent and safer methods like filling a bowl with really cold water, put icecubes in there and then hold ur face in there for a bit or just hold the cubes to ur body. U could also try hitting ur leg or smth with u belt or smth like that. Or wearing an elastic band loosely around ur arm and snapping it.
(I would urge u to read this so u know what to do: https://www.combined.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/attachments/self-harm-limiting-the-damage-camhs.pdf)

Awww thx it rlly made me smile reading this, love

I was trying to message you but it wouldn't let me :') I also appreciate the coping mechanisms, that's something I need to work on because I've never had to use them for most of my life because I used to be too busy drowning my sorrows with liquor or dabbled in street drugs.
But now that I'm on the right path, I wanna at least give coping mechanisms a chance.
As for the ice cubes on the cold water, I already take cold showers in the morning . That shit hits different. Lol

 

[angel31]

I was trying to message you but it wouldn't let me :')

I think it takes u some more messages, but u'll have them pretty fast dont worry :)

But now that I'm on the right path, I wanna at least give coping mechanisms a chance.

Thats good, i hope theyll help u <3

As for the ice cubes on the cold water, I already take cold showers in the morning . That shit hits different. Lol

Fuck wow thats impressive i would freeze to death lol

 

[Awake47]

I tried to go to your profile but uhh

I think it takes u some more messages, but u'll have them pretty fast dont worry :)

Thats good, i hope theyll help u <3

Fuck wow thats impressive i would freeze to death lol

Idk what's happening xD
It wouldn't let me go to anyone's profiles—

 

[woh6]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you told your case manager about what happened and hopefully, they can help you... but it'll take time to heal and for the hallucinations to decrease. You can always come to this forum or message me if you need support, we are here for you <3 I wish you the best, you did not deserve any of this and it's not your fault.

I tried to go to your profile but uhh

Idk what's happening xD
It wouldn't let me go to anyone's profiles—

This is because your account is too new. No one knows the exact requirements but you'll need more posts and time before you can pm people: )

 

[Huggs]

I'm very sorry for what you've gone through. This world and the people in it can be so awful.
Welcome to the forum and I hope you find some comfort here.
I understand that trance like state you mentioned somewhat. I'm blanked out and thoughtless most of the day.

 

[Awake47]

Thanks for the heads up about the account thing! I felt really confused. Thought it was my internet being buggy.

I appreciate the offer & I am trying to ignore the hallucinations & focus on bigger/better things. I just haven't felt this messed up in a long time & I feel really glad that I can come here to open up to you as well as others on here. Ive always found it hard to find a place to fit in, especially because of how bad the negative stigma & misinformation surrounds my ADHD + BPD.

I'm very sorry for what you've gone through. This world and the people in it can be so awful.
Welcome to the forum and I hope you find some comfort here.
I understand that trance like state you mentioned somewhat. I'm blanked out and thoughtless most of the day.

I hope you're okay, Huggs. It's such a weird feeling to have but at the same time, I'm sort of grateful that I zone out instead of having a mental breakdown. Last time I broke down, I couldn't speak, eat, think, or move. It was like having your eyes open during a comatose state.

 

[hellispink]

I can see it. I have been sexually assaulted in the past. The world is collapsing i know i got you . It hurts to breathe i know. Even me right now my heart feels heavy . J am sorry you living this nightmare

 

[Awake47]

I can see it. I have been sexually assaulted in the past. The world is collapsing i know i got you . It hurts to breathe i know. Even me right now my heart feels heavy . J am sorry you living this nightmare

I'm sorry that happened to you. Nobody deserves this shit. It's like being wrapped in chains and the tighter they grip around me, the more it burns on the inside.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful what you have been through, I find it so horrible how humans create so much harm in this dreadful world. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Awake47]

UPDATE: my case manager showed up today & we rang some services for extra support. Things will be getting taken care of by authorities. I'm trying to take this one step at a time & just spending much time with family as possible. It's really hard to fight the urge to smash my phone, pack my bags, & just leave for good. I also opened up to my case manager about my suicidal thoughts & urges & will possibly looking into going back to the mental health facility I was at earlier this year. I can't be bothered but I know it'll be good for me & I am willing to go back so I can take the time to work on what I need. Just know that I appreciate the kind words from the ones who reached out to me, I appreciate it. And as for other members on here, who's posts I tend to read from time to time, yet am too nervous to speak to, I do hope you have a lovely day/night. <3 I'll always be here so don't be shy to hit me up.

 

[Gurbangulite]

Had plans to spend time with a friend but his father's visitor decided to sexually assault me during a panic attack.

Ever since then I've been having these trance like states where my brain can't think of a single thing, my head will hurt & I will just stare nonstop with a lack of any emotion.

If it's not that then I am refusing to eat & have these moments where I feel drowsy for no reason, even after a full night's rest.

That & I've been having auditory hallucinations of someone in the house, who's voice is not recognised & when I check the house, it's just nobody there or it'll be an auditory hallucination of someone playing a somewhat peaceful melody on a piano.

I've been thinking about self harming ever since this incident. Nothing too groovy - just your usual razor blade to the wrist scenario & the curiousity gets to me. Wanting to know how much more pain I can truly take.

I've been through hell & back nearly my entire life. I'm surprised I didn't end up dying all the other times I've tried to kick the bucket. Am I strong or is it just simply not my time to go yet.?

Advice is appreciated. This is a safe haven. I will not judge you seeing as I am no better myself but I will say that it is nice being here and I hope I can meet people who will understand me on these journeys.

Hi there. I'm new here too so forgive me if I'm not really helpful or even know what's going on lol. I'm sure you've heard it a million times before yada yada. I don't want to disrupt your sense of this being a safe haven but I couldn't help but immediately recognize your username - and for those that read this Awake47 was an online username of last year's Highland Park Mass shooter.

I'm not here to pry, but can I ask why you chose this username? I certainly hope you don't try to imitate him. He did that because he was stupid, and we're here because we're smart. We have a certain emotional intelligence that he just might not have had. He drove around with a sex doll. I have no doubts that he wanted to CTB but he was just too much of a coward to do it. It's easy to feel like those in the broader world are soulless or somehow beneath us because they just don't understand. We can be frustrated, but being angry isn't something we should wallow in. They got lucky. Yes, very lucky because they can enjoy their life for what it is. Whether thats "Ignorance is bliss" or whatever is up to you. But we're here because we want to take what little control this life gives us by ending it, at least a lot of us are. Robert Crimo denied that same control over life to a lot of people by taking their lives, the lives of loved ones, and their mobility and health. You and I are both new, and I don't want to come into this forum and just pick arguments but I want you to look at yourself and think carefully. When you choose a username like that, that's exactly what the media would want to portray users of this forum as. Angry, vindictive people who idolize those who cause harm to others. Edgelords.

Please be careful. You are not Crimo. Be emotional here but be smart. We don't need this community to be labeled like 4chan, just some board of weird underground unsavory internet people.

Best of luck to you- I'm not here to cause any grief. Just being curious and cautious.

 

[Awake47]

Hi there. I'm new here too so forgive me if I'm not really helpful or even know what's going on lol. I'm sure you've heard it a million times before yada yada. I don't want to disrupt your sense of this being a safe haven but I couldn't help but immediately recognize your username - and for those that read this Awake47 was an online username of last year's Highland Park Mass shooter.

I'm not here to pry, but can I ask why you chose this username? I certainly hope you don't try to imitate him. He did that because he was stupid, and we're here because we're smart. We have a certain emotional intelligence that he just might not have had. He drove around with a sex doll. I have no doubts that he wanted to CTB but he was just too much of a coward to do it. It's easy to feel like those in the broader world are soulless or somehow beneath us because they just don't understand. We can be frustrated, but being angry isn't something we should wallow in. They got lucky. Yes, very lucky because they can enjoy their life for what it is. Whether thats "Ignorance is bliss" or whatever is up to you. But we're here because we want to take what little control this life gives us by ending it, at least a lot of us are. Robert Crimo denied that same control over life to a lot of people by taking their lives, the lives of loved ones, and their mobility and health. You and I are both new, and I don't want to come into this forum and just pick arguments but I want you to look at yourself and think carefully. When you choose a username like that, that's exactly what the media would want to portray users of this forum as. Angry, vindictive people who idolize those who cause harm to others. Edgelords.

Please be careful. You are not Criminal

I chose his username because I've researched his case and heavily relate to a lot of the crap he's been through. I am NOT some weird, angry, vigilante/cult member so please don't worry - I just understand the pain of what he's gone through & wish someone had helped him sooner. His mother wasn't very good to him & my mother wasn't good either & unfortunately a lot of others are also dealt a shit hand when it comes to parents or family so I'm not saying its only myself who was brought up in a shitty house. That & his music actual helped me get through tough times. I don't condone or encourage shootings, I just research true crime from a Psychological standpoint & heavily relate to a lot of criminals who have gone through trauma & shitty situations before they did what they did. I do acknowledge that nothing is going to change what they did & that's that. I am sorry if my username sparked some sort of worry or concern. I can assure you that I'd never hurt another person or take their life. I just got attached to Robert, like I did with other criminals but I'd never become some copycat.

 

[Gurbangulite]

I chose his username because I've researched his case and heavily relate to a lot of the crap he's been through. I am NOT some weird, angry, vigilante/cult member so please don't worry - I just understand the pain of what he's gone through & wish someone had helped him sooner. His mother wasn't very good to him & my mother wasn't good either & unfortunately a lot of others are also dealt a shit hand when it comes to parents or family so I'm not saying its only myself who was brought up in a shitty house. That & his music actual helped me get through tough times. I don't condone or encourage shootings, I just research true crime from a Psychological standpoint & heavily relate to a lot of criminals who have gone through trauma & shitty situations before they did what they did. I do acknowledge that nothing is going to change what they did & that's that. I am sorry if my username sparked some sort of worry or concern. I can assure you that I'd never hurt another person or take their life. I just got attached to Robert, like I did with other criminals but I'd never become some copycat.

I understand that completely! I appreciate you giving the time of day to respond to me here. I love researching true crime too, honestly the shock is one of the few things I can even feel anymore. I empathize with a lot of shooters. Not from a place of believing that they are right or having similar desires, but just that a lot of them were so mentally ill they had no idea what to do with themselves. I'm sure for a lot of them, the idea just made sense.

Don't apologize for the username, I just wanted to know was all. Mental health awareness isn't just for the individual that's suffering, but for those that he might extend his suffering to, as Crimo and others like him have shown.

Just a reminder, like anything else, consume in moderation. True crime can be fascinating but likely contribute to feelings of hopelessness depending on how you react to it I'm sure you know. Try to keep your attachment in moderation, too. I care, other people here care, and I've known some people who've lost friends and family in these instances of mass shootings. Be careful, you never know what just a username might bring on.

Peace, and best of luck to you.