Venting New here; Just venting

[eternalvoid]

Hi.
I don't know what I'm doing. I honestly don't know what to even write.
I have a really hard time talking to people, even online, just posting this makes me so nervous. Even making a simple comment on someone else's post makes me anxious.
I mostly lurk, but I decided if I'm going to actually join this place I should push myself a little more and stop being so invisible, even in the anonymity of the internet.
Plus being a new user, with all that's gone on with this place I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable being that I'm a new user.
So here I am.
Sorry if I write horribly, I feel like my brain is no longer capable of forming thoughts, let alone capable of stringing even two words together to express the thoughts that it does manage to form.
Don't know how to explain, I feel so dead mentally. Like my brain barely works.
It's been a long ride. An exhausting one at that.
I remain baffled at the fact that I'm still here. Some days I have moments where it hits me that I'm still alive. I was supposed to die like three times over.
Every one used to tell me I had someone watching over me, that it was extraordinary how I survived all these brushes with death that would normally have taken anybody else.
They convinced me of it too. I believed them, it seemed surreal that I survived so many times so I was convinced, maybe God IS watching over me.
Maybe it's because I'm meant for greater things as everyone keeps telling me.
I believed that for a bit so my suffering in that very short time seemed worthwhile, my life must have some meaning if I'm still alive after everything, it must get better eventually I thought.
But it never did. Eventually things got worse and worse until now, I truly feel like I'm being fucked with. Like if my life was a simulation, someone is playing a game with it and getting off on just how much they can torture me.
I've come to realize, yet again, that things don't get better for everyone. It's not in the cards for everyone. I'm a weak person, and I'm not capable of anything great, let alone even normal things.
That there's no greater meaning or purpose to all this. It is what it is and it is what you want out of it, what you make out of it, and I'm not capable of making anything out of anything.
I don't even want anything, I just want nothing, to cease to exist.
This had been my belief and my mindset almost my entire life until I let the hopes of everyone around me fool me.
It feels worse to have hope and get crushed than it does to have zero expectations and still get crushed.
If that makes sense.
I've suffered for such a long time. I can no longer push it. I'm in my mid to late twenties, I do not want to make it to 30 and still be in this same place because of the fear of worse or because I'm still hanging on to the hopes of those around me.
It doesn't get better. It won't for me.
So, just as I did years ago, I surrender. I give up. But I'll be smarter about it this time.
I'll plan it better. And I will make sure that I make peace with whatever it is I have to so that I can get back into the place mentally that I was in back then where I was able to suppress
any and all instinct of survival all humans have and did what I did.
I was there once, I can go back there again.
I'll figure out what's holding me back and rid myself of whatever reservations I have subconsciously.
Because it must be subconscious. I'm ready to go, I've given up a long time ago yet I've lived in this limbo state for so long because of something that is holding me back.
I believe it is the fear of after death. The fear of worse. That is the only thing that scares me. I fear if after would be worse than my current hell.
So I will work through this fear. Hopefully this place opens me up to thought provoking discussions and knowledge and things I need to hear.
That's all I suppose. Sorry for the incoherent rambling, I'm sure none of it makes sense but I really wanted to push myself to post for once instead of always lurking.
I hope it's okay to post this, I don't know why making a post makes me so incredibly nervous. I don't know if I'll even end up posting this.

 

[rationaltake]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Sorry you're here. I think a lot of us will relate to your post. So many of us are in that limbo. Not living but not dying.

I understand how hard it can be to post. I hope it gets easier.

I'm sorry your life's been so bad. Hopefully you can take the time to look at your options and decide what you want to do. No rush.

 

[theboy]

Hello!
I wish you peace in your life

 

[lost1]

Thank you for posting and sharing, I feel your pain sorry your here
If only I could get my words out like you, it's been a long journey for most of us im new here to. Keep posting I need to aswell and dont feel nervous to, I think we are boat it's good to get out how we are feeling even if it is just posting anonymously here. Wish you all the best and good luck on your journey really is some amazing people here

 

[Cerulea]

The fear you're describing really resonates with me. For me, it's not even an actual active fear. It's a passive, built in mechanism that I do feel firmly at odds with. I have a genuine desire to die. The flesh body and brain I'm beholden to have other ideas.

Your words do make a lot of sense. And they are worth sharing. Many of us feel similarly and wish there was a more collaborative space for us to exist.

The good thing (it may not feel like it) is that you have time to form a real plan if you decide you want to leave. You have time to seek help towards recovery and continued existence if that's what you choose to do. You do not have to decide in this moment, although I'm sure it would feel better to have more immediate control. Search in yourself for what makes sense for you, what you really want, and how you can achieve that based on what you're capable of.

I hope you find some peace during your time on this earth. No one deserves to suffer.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Hello and welcome.

Trust me, the things you described are things others here have sometimes described as well. We're mostly here because either we failed or something failed us, so, don't be nervous. We're all mostly in the same boat here. Hell, I can even relate to a lot of your story.

Have a look around. Introduce yourself if you like and be sure to use the search function to make your life easier.

 

[brokensea]

Welcome to the group. You can write about anything and everyone here is so accepting unlike the real world out there. You can be as depressed, anxious, suicidal, insecure, and mentally unwell as you feel and we've all felt similar and won't judge you.

 

[Jimblue]

Hello, nice to meet you. Just take things step by step, don't push youself too hard. It takes me 10 years to talk to people in public.

I am very sorry that your life is not good.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I lurked for quite some time before joining, but I've found this community the most supportive by far for those of us out there going through these struggles.

I completely get the whole "limbo state" that you referred to. I ponder my existence every single day.

 

[FuneralCry]

There is no evidence of there being anything after this, I personally believe death to be peaceful nonexistence where nothing can hurt us, just like how before we were born where time passed and yet we were not aware of anything. There is no point to fearing death as it's inevitable for us all anyway. I do believe that as many people get older the amount of problems and suffering increases and I know that it's dreadful when life just gets worse. This is all why the thought of non existence comforts me. I wish you peace.

 

[eternalvoid]

I just have to say thank you so much to everyone who responded so kindly and warmly.

I may sound like an idiot but I felt so anxious opening this thread up again and when I finally did, I literally teared up at how warm, kind and welcoming you all are being to me. And so unbelievably understanding. Damn I don't know how to describe the relief I felt in this moment, I have never been able to open up about these thoughts and feelings that I have. I have never felt understood. But I finally do.

Just thank you all so much, you are all so incredible, truly. I'm so glad I decided to make a post. And I'm truly looking forward to my time here. I hope I can manage to continue talking.

 

[eternalvoid]

The fear you're describing really resonates with me. For me, it's not even an actual active fear. It's a passive, built in mechanism that I do feel firmly at odds with. I have a genuine desire to die. The flesh body and brain I'm beholden to have other ideas.

Your words do make a lot of sense. And they are worth sharing. Many of us feel similarly and wish there was a more collaborative space for us to exist.

The good thing (it may not feel like it) is that you have time to form a real plan if you decide you want to leave. You have time to seek help towards recovery and continued existence if that's what you choose to do. You do not have to decide in this moment, although I'm sure it would feel better to have more immediate control. Search in yourself for what makes sense for you, what you really want, and how you can achieve that based on what you're capable of.

I hope you find some peace during your time on this earth. No one deserves to suffer.

That's exactly it, you described that very well. It's hard to explain, because like you, I genuinely have the desire to die, but there's some weird almost invisible fear somewhere in me that is holding me back and every day I feel as if I'm battling it. Sometimes I wonder if it's a fear of what comes after, or just the human instinct to survive.

There is no evidence of there being anything after this, I personally believe death to be peaceful nonexistence where nothing can hurt us, just like how before we were born where time passed and yet we were not aware of anything. There is no point to fearing death as it's inevitable for us all anyway. I do believe that as many people get older the amount of problems and suffering increases and I know that it's dreadful when life just gets worse. This is all why the thought of non existence comforts me. I wish you peace.

You're right, in all honesty that makes much more sense logically than anything else. I feel like the influence of religion, different kinds, my entire life has beaten the idea or fear of an afterlife, as well as hell, in my head. But I have no idea at this point what it is that I truly believe.

Non existence is all I wish for, it truly is. Even if I could magically be granted anything I can ask for, I would always choose to not exist. I do not want life, or any part of it. As grim as it may sound.

 

[lost1]

That's exactly it, you described that very well. It's hard to explain, because like you, I genuinely have the desire to die, but there's some weird almost invisible fear somewhere in me that is holding me back and every day I feel as if I'm battling it. Sometimes I wonder if it's a fear of what comes after, or just the human instinct to survive.

I know I can relate to what your both saying so much , I take my mind off it by posting or trying to keep occupied but when I think about it my heart races hot flushes and panick attacks come on. I didn't like the idea of sn and thought I had sourced propranolol but I think yet again its a scam so I back in limbo exploring other methods today. Even believing what I do and is after this life its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place

 

[brokensea]

I just have to say thank you so much to everyone who responded so kindly and warmly.

I may sound like an idiot but I felt so anxious opening this thread up again and when I finally did, I literally teared up at how warm, kind and welcoming you all are being to me. And so unbelievably understanding. Damn I don't know how to describe the relief I felt in this moment, I have never been able to open up about these thoughts and feelings that I have. I have never felt understood. But I finally do.

Just thank you all so much, you are all so incredible, truly. I'm so glad I decided to make a post. And I'm truly looking forward to my time here. I hope I can manage to continue talking.

Well I hope you make many more posts that's what this place is for and one of the few places you can be yourself in. I'm glad you shared with us.

 

[Tiny Little Tree]

Thanks for sharing. I know, too well at times, that nothing anyone says will take any of that anxiety away.

As a fellow lurker, I will say I do get some small satisfaction from posting, doesn't matter if it takes me in one direction or another or even if it's just something along the lines of "hey I've felt that way too!" In that respect, what you wrote did resonate with me, basically everything could be applied to myself, except that part about God I guess and the finer details.

 

[Wait-Bus]

Hi.
I don't know what I'm doing. I honestly don't know what to even write.
I have a really hard time talking to people, even online, just posting this makes me so nervous. Even making a simple comment on someone else's post makes me anxious.
I mostly lurk, but I decided if I'm going to actually join this place I should push myself a little more and stop being so invisible, even in the anonymity of the internet.
Plus being a new user, with all that's gone on with this place I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable being that I'm a new user.
So here I am.
Sorry if I write horribly, I feel like my brain is no longer capable of forming thoughts, let alone capable of stringing even two words together to express the thoughts that it does manage to form.
Don't know how to explain, I feel so dead mentally. Like my brain barely works.
It's been a long ride. An exhausting one at that.
I remain baffled at the fact that I'm still here. Some days I have moments where it hits me that I'm still alive. I was supposed to die like three times over.
Every one used to tell me I had someone watching over me, that it was extraordinary how I survived all these brushes with death that would normally have taken anybody else.
They convinced me of it too. I believed them, it seemed surreal that I survived so many times so I was convinced, maybe God IS watching over me.
Maybe it's because I'm meant for greater things as everyone keeps telling me.
I believed that for a bit so my suffering in that very short time seemed worthwhile, my life must have some meaning if I'm still alive after everything, it must get better eventually I thought.
But it never did. Eventually things got worse and worse until now, I truly feel like I'm being fucked with. Like if my life was a simulation, someone is playing a game with it and getting off on just how much they can torture me.
I've come to realize, yet again, that things don't get better for everyone. It's not in the cards for everyone. I'm a weak person, and I'm not capable of anything great, let alone even normal things.
That there's no greater meaning or purpose to all this. It is what it is and it is what you want out of it, what you make out of it, and I'm not capable of making anything out of anything.
I don't even want anything, I just want nothing, to cease to exist.
This had been my belief and my mindset almost my entire life until I let the hopes of everyone around me fool me.
It feels worse to have hope and get crushed than it does to have zero expectations and still get crushed.
If that makes sense.
I've suffered for such a long time. I can no longer push it. I'm in my mid to late twenties, I do not want to make it to 30 and still be in this same place because of the fear of worse or because I'm still hanging on to the hopes of those around me.
It doesn't get better. It won't for me.
So, just as I did years ago, I surrender. I give up. But I'll be smarter about it this time.
I'll plan it better. And I will make sure that I make peace with whatever it is I have to so that I can get back into the place mentally that I was in back then where I was able to suppress
any and all instinct of survival all humans have and did what I did.
I was there once, I can go back there again.
I'll figure out what's holding me back and rid myself of whatever reservations I have subconsciously.
Because it must be subconscious. I'm ready to go, I've given up a long time ago yet I've lived in this limbo state for so long because of something that is holding me back.
I believe it is the fear of after death. The fear of worse. That is the only thing that scares me. I fear if after would be worse than my current hell.
So I will work through this fear. Hopefully this place opens me up to thought provoking discussions and knowledge and things I need to hear.
That's all I suppose. Sorry for the incoherent rambling, I'm sure none of it makes sense but I really wanted to push myself to post for once instead of always lurking.
I hope it's okay to post this, I don't know why making a post makes me so incredibly nervous. I don't know if I'll even end up posting this.

Welcome
I have only just arrived myself - and I am already feeling positive energy. I look forward to your participation here.

 

[eternalvoid]

I know I can relate to what your both saying so much , I take my mind off it by posting or trying to keep occupied but when I think about it my heart races hot flushes and panick attacks come on. I didn't like the idea of sn and thought I had sourced propranolol but I think yet again its a scam so I back in limbo exploring other methods today. Even believing what I do and is after this life its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place

I totally understand that, I think it's just how we're wired, I feel like we're designed to try and survive at all costs. Which is what makes it that much harder to go against your body/brain's instinct even though you know that you're ready to go and have made the choice to go. It feels like you're battling yourself.

It really does feel like living in limbo.

 

[outrider567]

I totally understand that, I think it's just how we're wired, I feel like we're designed to try and survive at all costs. Which is what makes it that much harder to go against your body/brain's instinct even though you know that you're ready to go and have made the choice to go. It feels like you're battling yourself.

It really does feel like living in limbo.

Yes--limbo, that's been my life this year