New here? Considering suicide

[mysideofthemountain]

Hello.

Hope I'm doing this right. This is my first post. I'm new here.

I'm in my 30s. I've been suicidal since about 13. Tried to jump off a second story at 15 and just broke my feet. Have tried other fails since then, including a failed hanging.

Trying to gather information. I appreciate the mega threads. I am mostly certain I want to go through with it and am just trying to pick a method. Leaning SN if I can find it.

On the off chance I should stay around: why? When I ask people in my life this they spout nonsensical pleasantries about my value and worth. But honesty I am suffering. If I have worth, I think the suffering takes it away.

Anyway. Hello. How are yall? Should I stay?

 

[over2025]

Only you know what life has to offer you. If you can see yourself getting any of those benefits of life in the future, then that's enough reason to stay.

 

[TheHolySword]

No one else can answer for you if you should stay or not. This is something you have to figure out for yourself. I fully believe people can get better and find a reason, but no one here can give you that reason. If you want to stay and see what life has to offer then there is nothing wrong with that. You can always keep trying to live. If you are uncertain then you should keep going and see what you can make of things. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering and that your life has led you here. I hope you are able to find your peace, wherever and whatever that may look like.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

Only you know what life has to offer you. If you can see yourself getting any of those benefits of life in the future, then that's enough reason to stay.

This is such an interesting way of putting it. For a while now, probably the last three years, I've felt that I can't imagine any sort of future at all.

No one else can answer for you if you should stay or not. This is something you have to figure out for yourself. I fully believe people can get better and find a reason, but no one here can give you that reason. If you want to stay and see what life has to offer then there is nothing wrong with that. You can always keep trying to live. If you are uncertain then you should keep going and see what you can make of things. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering and that your life has led you here. I hope you are able to find your peace, wherever and whatever that may look like.

Out of curiosity why do you think people can get better?

This is a sincere question. I've struggled with intense emotional distress and suicidal thoughts since 13. I'm in my 30s. It feels like it's not going to get better

 

[over2025]

This is such an interesting way of putting it. For a while now, probably the last three years, I've felt that I can't imagine any sort of future at all.

A lot of people hit a wall, without seeing that there is a door next to them that will let them go through. For others, there is no door and the wall is so tall that there is no way over it. I would say, that CTB is a much more reasonable solution in the second case then the first.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

A lot of people hit a wall, without seeing that there is a door next to them that will let them go through. For others, there is no door and the wall is so tall that there is no way over it. I would say, that CTB is a much more reasonable solution in the second case then the first.

I think something that is true is that some people are legitimately loved. Just like absolutely cherished by their friends and family. Sometimes that's a door. Maybe sometimes it's not enough. I can understand it going both ways.

I don't think anyone cherishes me.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I've been suicidal my whole life, and I'm in my 40's.

What kept me alive in my 30's was mainly the fact that I had young children. I also had a great career building technology that made positive impacts on the world, a house in the city, and a beautiful wife. I still wanted to kill myself frequently, but I held on to life because it contained things to love and care about.

If your life is lacking things to live for, it may be possible to find things that fill the void and build a better life for yourself. I don't know your situation, but I know that you're still young in your 30's and a lot of things are possible at that age.

What finally broke my will to live is irreversible damage caused by a lifetime of trauma, stress, and mental illness. This year I had a manic episode that completely destroyed my marriage, career, and finances. Now I'm in a severe depresson, heavily medicated, unable to work, and with no future. I'm the shell of the person I used to be, and bipolar is degenerative so things are only getting worse no matter how hard I try.

I still feel conflicted about ctb, but at this point I'm too shattered to find hope and I'm suffering every single waking moment. I can't take it anymore, I am defeated.

So I'm not sure what kind of shit life has thrown your way and I don't want to moralize, but I think ctb is always tragic and not something to be taken lightly. If all other options are exhausted and life is truly hopeless, then it might be time to ctb.

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

Hello.

Hope I'm doing this right. This is my first post. I'm new here.

I'm in my 30s. I've been suicidal since about 13. Tried to jump off a second story at 15 and just broke my feet. Have tried other fails since then, including a failed hanging.

Trying to gather information. I appreciate the mega threads. I am mostly certain I want to go through with it and am just trying to pick a method. Leaning SN if I can find it.

On the off chance I should stay around: why? When I ask people in my life this they spout nonsensical pleasantries about my value and worth. But honesty I am suffering. If I have worth, I think the suffering takes it away.

Anyway. Hello. How are yall? Should I stay?

Welcome to SaSu. This website is split into two sections, suicide and recovery, its an open place where we can speak freely. No-one judges you, or rather shouldn't judge you, you are welcome to visit both sections, stay a while, and chat with us. I been suicidal a long time as well, I'm still sitting on the fence as to what to do. Painful that, a comfortable chair would be a abetter place to sit, don't you think?

 

[mysideofthemountain]

I've been suicidal my whole life, and I'm in my 40's.

What kept me alive in my 30's was mainly the fact that I had young children. I also had a great career building technology that made positive impacts on the world, a house in the city, and a beautiful wife. I still wanted to kill myself frequently, but I held on to life because it contained things to love and care about.

If your life is lacking things to live for, it may be possible to find things that fill the void and build a better life for yourself. I don't know your situation, but I know that you're still young in your 30's and a lot of things are possible at that age.

What finally broke my will to live is irreversible damage caused by a lifetime of trauma, stress, and mental illness. This year I had a manic episode that completely destroyed my marriage, career, and finances. Now I'm in a severe depresson, heavily medicated, unable to work, and with no future. I'm the shell of the person I used to be, and bipolar is degenerative so things are only getting worse no matter how hard I try.

I still feel conflicted about ctb, but at this point I'm too shattered to find hope and I'm suffering every single waking moment. I can't take it anymore, I am defeated.

So I'm not sure what kind of shit life has thrown your way and I don't want to moralize, but I think ctb is always tragic and not something to be taken lightly. If all other options are exhausted and life is truly hopeless, then it might be time to ctb.

I'm sorry to hear about the manic episode that destroyed things for you. And I'm so sorry you feel defeated. You deserve kindness and peace.

I deeply relate to the lifetime of trauma and stress and mental illness.

The tldr life story for me is:

My mom was super abusive. One of my earliest memories is her picking me up by my hair and throwing me across the room, and then dragging me by my hair telling me that the church party we were going to was for ungrateful girls like me.

I remember I spilled paint on the carpet when I was six and she kicked me to the ground asking me if I was too stupid or too selfish to clean up after myself.

Other things like that.

She got married when I was 9. Her husband was a sexual assailant and raped me and abused me for years. I finally told a friend at 13. CPS got involved. My mom picked me up from school that day (weird) and drove me to an empty parking lot and took me behind a dumpster and started hitting and kicking me and screaming at me that I better tell her the truth.

I did. I thought she was taking my side but about 10 months later she let him back in and told me I needed to lie to CPS. Shortly after that, when I was 15, I had my first suicide attempt. I jumped from a height and ended up in a wheelchair. Started talking about suicide at school and CPS got involved and so while I couldn't walk my mom would come into my bedroom at night and scream at me about how I was too stupid to realize why her husband needed to come back and without him I would never go to college.

I did go to college, on a scholarship actually, but it wasn't a full one and so she would use money to control me even there.

I moved away for a while and then went back to live with her in 2016. When I didn't vote trump she harassed me at work and pulled a gun on me at home.

I left after that and have never really moved back home except briefly in 2023 to take care of my stepdad as he died of cancer, same one who raped me and all that.

I had to keep my mom from stabbing him with needles and shit because she was mad he was dying and taking it out on him.

This has been the majority of my life. I don't think I'm getting better. I deeply resonate with feeling like a shell

 

[TheHolySword]

This is such an interesting way of putting it. For a while now, probably the last three years, I've felt that I can't imagine any sort of future at all.

Out of curiosity why do you think people can get better?

This is a sincere question. I've struggled with intense emotional distress and suicidal thoughts since 13. I'm in my 30s. It feels like it's not going to get better

I think life has potential, that is all. I think it can get better but that doesn't mean that it will. A lot of work has to go into it. And sometimes there are things out of our control that impede this. I can't and won't tell you that it does get better but that doesn't mean it's impossible. You have to find reason to believe that yourself.

 

[cashmeout77]

Hello.

Hope I'm doing this right. This is my first post. I'm new here.

I'm in my 30s. I've been suicidal since about 13. Tried to jump off a second story at 15 and just broke my feet. Have tried other fails since then, including a failed hanging.

Trying to gather information. I appreciate the mega threads. I am mostly certain I want to go through with it and am just trying to pick a method. Leaning SN if I can find it.

On the off chance I should stay around: why? When I ask people in my life this they spout nonsensical pleasantries about my value and worth. But honesty I am suffering. If I have worth, I think the suffering takes it away.

Anyway. Hello. How are yall? Should I stay?

I am feeling much the same. I've had just had enough. I'm so tired... of my life, my mental health, my terrible decisions. I'm grateful for the good I've had in my 47 years, but honestly most of my life was painfully struggling to fit in somewhere I don't belong.
I'm leaning towards SN too. But I'm also open to blood choke. Any thoughts or feelings in comparing the two would be much appreciated.
I wish you the peace you're looking for.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence, but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

Welcome to SaSu. This website is split into two sections, suicide and recovery, its an open place where we can speak freely. No-one judges you, or rather shouldn't judge you, you are welcome to visit both sections, stay a while, and chat with us. I been suicidal a long time as well, I'm still sitting on the fence as to what to do. Painful that, a comfortable chair would be an abetter place to sit, don't you think?

What keeps you on the fence do you think?

 

[attheend13]

I've been suicidal my whole life, and I'm in my 40's.

What kept me alive in my 30's was mainly the fact that I had young children. I also had a great career building technology that made positive impacts on the world, a house in the city, and a beautiful wife. I still wanted to kill myself frequently, but I held on to life because it contained things to love and care about.

If your life is lacking things to live for, it may be possible to find things that fill the void and build a better life for yourself. I don't know your situation, but I know that you're still young in your 30's and a lot of things are possible at that age.

What finally broke my will to live is irreversible damage caused by a lifetime of trauma, stress, and mental illness. This year I had a manic episode that completely destroyed my marriage, career, and finances. Now I'm in a severe depresson, heavily medicated, unable to work, and with no future. I'm the shell of the person I used to be, and bipolar is degenerative so things are only getting worse no matter how hard I try.

I still feel conflicted about ctb, but at this point I'm too shattered to find hope and I'm suffering every single waking moment. I can't take it anymore, I am defeated.

So I'm not sure what kind of shit life has thrown your way and I don't want to moralize, but I think ctb is always tragic and not something to be taken lightly. If all other options are exhausted and life is truly hopeless, then it might be time to ctb.

I'm sorry that this all happened to you. My life blew up and I have nothing now. Not one thing is left. I'm still here for one reason only. My two daughters that would have to bear the weight of a mother who dies by suicide. It's the last great sacrifice of a parent. I'll suffer every moment until I die so they don't suffer. Mostly I'm hoping someone or something will make the choice for me. A stray bullet that spares a tragedy in someone else's family but ends my suffering. Something random and unexpected. Until then I'm trudging toward a date I set to ctb. I can't and yet if I don't have an end date I can't serve the sentence. I guess I'll see what happens when I catch up to it.

 

[mysideofthemountain]

How far into the future is your date?