New here, chronically ill and overwhelmed

[neoyokio]

Hi all. I'm so grateful for finding this site. It's hard for me to look much/scroll because I can get very severe screen nausea due to migraine, but I look when I can and really appreciate it. After ten years of illness/pain syndromes due to Lyme/mold and complications, increasing medication intolerances (can no longer take opioids or anti-emetics), and worst of all, such severe trauma from the medical system/doctors, which I can't get away from bc of my illness and chemical dependencies. there isn't a bearable way anymore. Situational depression feels hopeless, I've done everything you can imagine to try to manage it— years of ketamine infusions etc, the most treatment resistant treatments, on and on.

Even though I don't want to live in these conditions any longer, my mind is still not totally 100% because the doubt creeps in. It feels like it's the toxic mentality of "keep fighting no matter what." Like I can't possibly be making the "right" choice for myself. But then I feel like that all comes from a societal belief system that I don't ascribe to; I align with the right-to-die movement theory of everyone should be able to decide and have a safe and comfortable death. This battle in my mind is torturous.

Method: right now I am leaning towards Nitrogen/scuba, since I do not keep things down well due to stomach disorders. I am hoping to find more on that; seems like it would have a low failure rate and peaceful? Is it just that it is expensive and hard to get that it's not most common? Or is there something im missing? I read the Final Exit book that details it, have not yet gotten PPH.

I am also really struggling with how to say goodbye/writing goodbye letters. Part of depression for me is being really fucking Indecisive about everything. I guess I just worry about getting my setup first and figure that part out last, I don't know. When I try to figure out what to say in a goodbye letter to friends, I just go blank.I mean part of it is just really bad brain fog which is a symptom of my illness.
I'm in such a weird situation because I've had to move a lot, have had to be in an Airbnb to see a specialist (awful doctor who's done nothing but harm and not take responsibility) and I feel I owe it to my family to wait until I am not in a temporary situation and say proper goodbyes. They are understanding and respectful of my wishes, and I think they will be there when I "ctb" as you guys say. I would do Pegasos if it weren't so expensive and risk more medical trauma. Anyway. I would love to talk to anyone who is similarly situated and figuring out working through their end of life process. I feel very overwhelmed, sorry it's so many topics in one post. thanks to anyone who relates to any of it.

 

[Cryptonite]

Welcome neoyokio. I'm sure this forum will give you a safe space and all the information you may need. You've come to the right place.

You don't know how much I relate to you. I also suffer from a physical disease, Scheuermann's disease of the spine, which leads me to CTB (catching the bus = suicide). And, obviously, I was terribly let down by the absolutely broken medical system. If my disease had been diagnosed early, I would be completely cured. But two physicians made a totally wrong diagnosis in my childhood. Later in adulthood, when it was already too late, I went to countless specialists until I finally diagnosed myself from Google. The lack of knowledge of physicians is absolutely shocking. You can feel relieved by the fact that it definitely doesn't apply just to your disease, it applies to almost every disease under the Sun. Another example – I had another very severe disease, that I was later cured of. However, 90 percent of physicians still believe that disease is incurable, despite the fact that the treatment has been available for decades.

When you file complaints, they just cover their backs and laugh at you. The whole system is unbelievable. I'm not, in the slightest, surprised that you have a medical trauma.

"Keep fighting no matter what" is a common response of almost everyone who is not in our situation. 90 percent people can never understand that, in some cases, there is simply no other rational solution. This forum is a unique space where no one will repeat these same things, because everyone here belongs among these remaining 10 percent.

You don't need to write any complicated letters. Maybe you can just leave one, succinct letter. That's all. And if you feel like you want to write many letters, feel free to ask for help. I've personally written 10 letters to the people I know and around 16 letters to different insitutions around the world to do something about my disease. It took me maybe 2 months before I finally finished them.

By the way, latest PPH can be downloaded here.

 

[outrider567]

Hi all. I'm so grateful for finding this site. It's hard for me to look much/scroll because I can get very severe screen nausea due to migraine, but I look when I can and really appreciate it. After ten years of illness/pain syndromes due to Lyme/mold and complications, increasing medication intolerances (can no longer take opioids or anti-emetics), and worst of all, such severe trauma from the medical system/doctors, which I can't get away from bc of my illness and chemical dependencies. there isn't a bearable way anymore. Situational depression feels hopeless, I've done everything you can imagine to try to manage it— years of ketamine infusions etc, the most treatment resistant treatments, on and on.

Even though I don't want to live in these conditions any longer, my mind is still not totally 100% because the doubt creeps in. It feels like it's the toxic mentality of "keep fighting no matter what." Like I can't possibly be making the "right" choice for myself. But then I feel like that all comes from a societal belief system that I don't ascribe to; I align with the right-to-die movement theory of everyone should be able to decide and have a safe and comfortable death. This battle in my mind is torturous.

Method: right now I am leaning towards Nitrogen/scuba, since I do not keep things down well due to stomach disorders. I am hoping to find more on that; seems like it would have a low failure rate and peaceful? Is it just that it is expensive and hard to get that it's not most common? Or is there something im missing? I read the Final Exit book that details it, have not yet gotten PPH.

I am also really struggling with how to say goodbye/writing goodbye letters. Part of depression for me is being really fucking Indecisive about everything. I guess I just worry about getting my setup first and figure that part out last, I don't know. When I try to figure out what to say in a goodbye letter to friends, I just go blank.I mean part of it is just really bad brain fog which is a symptom of my illness.
I'm in such a weird situation because I've had to move a lot, have had to be in an Airbnb to see a specialist (awful doctor who's done nothing but harm and not take responsibility) and I feel I owe it to my family to wait until I am not in a temporary situation and say proper goodbyes. They are understanding and respectful of my wishes, and I think they will be there when I "ctb" as you guys say. I would do Pegasos if it weren't so expensive and risk more medical trauma. Anyway. I would love to talk to anyone who is similarly situated and figuring out working through their end of life process. I feel very overwhelmed, sorry it's so many topics in one post. thanks to anyone who relates to any of it.

Inert Gas Exit Bag Mega-Thread will help you with any questions about the Nitrogen method

 

[neoyokio]

Welcome neoyokio. I'm sure this forum will give you a safe space and all the information you may need. You've come to the right place.

You don't know how much I relate to you. I also suffer from a physical disease, Scheuermann's disease of the spine, which leads me to CTB (catching the bus = suicide). And, obviously, I was terribly let down by the absolutely broken medical system. If my disease had been diagnosed early, I would be completely cured. But two physicians made a totally wrong diagnosis in my childhood. Later in adulthood, when it was already too late, I went to countless specialists until I finally diagnosed myself from Google. The lack of knowledge of physicians is absolutely shocking. You can feel relieved by the fact that it definitely doesn't apply just to your disease, it applies to almost every disease under the Sun. Another example – I had another very severe disease, that I was later cured of. However, 90 percent of physicians still believe that disease is incurable, despite the fact that the treatment has been available for decades.

When you file complaints, they just cover their backs and laugh at you. The whole system is unbelievable. I'm not, in the slightest, surprised that you have a medical trauma.

"Keep fighting no matter what" is a common response of almost everyone who is not in our situation. 90 percent people can never understand that, in some cases, there is simply no other rational solution. This forum is a unique space where no one will repeat these same things, because everyone here belongs among these remaining 10 percent.

You don't need to write any complicated letters. Maybe you can just leave one, succinct letter. That's all. And if you feel like you want to write many letters, feel free to ask for help. I've personally written 10 letters to the people I know and around 16 letters to different insitutions around the world to do something about my disease. It took me maybe 2 months before I finally finished them.

By the way, latest PPH can be downloaded here.

Inert Gas Exit Bag Mega-Thread will help you with any questions about the Nitrogen method

Thank you

 

[peaches]

Hi all. I'm so grateful for finding this site. It's hard for me to look much/scroll because I can get very severe screen nausea due to migraine, but I look when I can and really appreciate it. After ten years of illness/pain syndromes due to Lyme/mold and complications, increasing medication intolerances (can no longer take opioids or anti-emetics), and worst of all, such severe trauma from the medical system/doctors, which I can't get away from bc of my illness and chemical dependencies. there isn't a bearable way anymore. Situational depression feels hopeless, I've done everything you can imagine to try to manage it— years of ketamine infusions etc, the most treatment resistant treatments, on and on.

Even though I don't want to live in these conditions any longer, my mind is still not totally 100% because the doubt creeps in. It feels like it's the toxic mentality of "keep fighting no matter what." Like I can't possibly be making the "right" choice for myself. But then I feel like that all comes from a societal belief system that I don't ascribe to; I align with the right-to-die movement theory of everyone should be able to decide and have a safe and comfortable death. This battle in my mind is torturous.

Method: right now I am leaning towards Nitrogen/scuba, since I do not keep things down well due to stomach disorders. I am hoping to find more on that; seems like it would have a low failure rate and peaceful? Is it just that it is expensive and hard to get that it's not most common? Or is there something im missing? I read the Final Exit book that details it, have not yet gotten PPH.

I am also really struggling with how to say goodbye/writing goodbye letters. Part of depression for me is being really fucking Indecisive about everything. I guess I just worry about getting my setup first and figure that part out last, I don't know. When I try to figure out what to say in a goodbye letter to friends, I just go blank.I mean part of it is just really bad brain fog which is a symptom of my illness.
I'm in such a weird situation because I've had to move a lot, have had to be in an Airbnb to see a specialist (awful doctor who's done nothing but harm and not take responsibility) and I feel I owe it to my family to wait until I am not in a temporary situation and say proper goodbyes. They are understanding and respectful of my wishes, and I think they will be there when I "ctb" as you guys say. I would do Pegasos if it weren't so expensive and risk more medical trauma. Anyway. I would love to talk to anyone who is similarly situated and figuring out working through their end of life process. I feel very overwhelmed, sorry it's so many topics in one post. thanks to anyone who relates to any of it.

Hi and welcome to this site. I am also new and I relate to so much of what you expressed.
I am having severe increased migraines and this is robbing me of any kind of life. I also have severe depression and anxiety I have been suicidal since I was a teenager.
I am looking into Pegasos. I'm don't want to have to travel and manage the extensive Application process.
My best to you and I will write more later.

 

[lachrymost]

[...] and worst of all, such severe trauma from the medical system/doctors, which I can't get away from bc of my illness and chemical dependencies. there isn't a bearable way anymore. Situational depression feels hopeless, I've done everything you can imagine to try to manage it— years of ketamine infusions etc, the most treatment resistant treatments, on and on. [...]

Hi neoyokio. So sorry you've come to this point with the rest of us. I hope you can find some small comfort to be among like-minded people. I relate to your medical trauma. The thought of having to see exponentially more doctors and specialists (including some specific ones who caused so many of my problems in the first place) for the rest of my life absolutely destroys me.

[...] If my disease had been diagnosed early, I would be completely cured. But two physicians made a totally wrong diagnosis in my childhood. Later in adulthood, when it was already too late, I went to countless specialists until I finally diagnosed myself from Google. The lack of knowledge of physicians is absolutely shocking. You can feel relieved by the fact that it definitely doesn't apply just to your disease, it applies to almost every disease under the Sun. Another example – I had another very severe disease, that I was later cured of. However, 90 percent of physicians still believe that disease is incurable, despite the fact that the treatment has been available for decades. [...]

I diagnosed myself with Google too, after being told by multiple doctors my problems would all go away on their own and everything would be fine. I literally begged one in particular not to give me false hope and she told me just to trust her and changed the subject. Well guess what, she was completely wrong and everything she and the specialist she consulted with said went against medical consensus, just as I was afraid of. Then I went to another specialist who actually confirmed my self-diagnosis, but had the gall to tell me that the condition wasn't a big deal and wouldn't get progressively worse, which is laughably untrue. It's so unbelievable that we're given the mantra of "never Google your symptoms" when if I hadn't done just that, I would have no idea what was actually happening to me. Some of us deserve honorary medical degrees for all the fucking work we have to do advocating for ourselves.

 

[Jadzia]

Hi, i can relate. I have very severe ME with over 30 unbearable symptoms. Also very depressed and suffer from anxiety. I'm almost completely bedbound and don't tolerate meds. Ive also medical trauma from the medical system. I've got SN but I'm worried how much more i will suffer doing that and worry about throwing it up. Also considering the nitrogen method.

Sending hugs and solidarity

 

[neoyokio]

Hi neoyokio. So sorry you've come to this point with the rest of us. I hope you can find some small comfort to be among like-minded people. I relate to your medical trauma. The thought of having to see exponentially more doctors and specialists (including some specific ones who caused so many of my problems in the first place) for the rest of my life absolutely destroys me.

I diagnosed myself with Google too, after being told by multiple doctors my problems would all go away on their own and everything would be fine. I literally begged one in particular not to give me false hope and she told me just to trust her and changed the subject. Well guess what, she was completely wrong and everything she and the specialist she consulted with said went against medical consensus, just as I was afraid of. Then I went to another specialist who actually confirmed my self-diagnosis, but had the gall to tell me that the condition wasn't a big deal and wouldn't get progressively worse, which is laughably untrue. It's so unbelievable that we're given the mantra of "never Google your symptoms" when if I hadn't done just that, I would have no idea what was actually happening to me. Some of us deserve honorary medical degrees for all the fucking work we have to do advocating for ourselves.

Thank you for replying and commiserating. That's just awful you've had to be totally on your own with diagnosis. You absolutely do deserve an honorary degree and another degree to figuring it out while you're the one suffering. I got my diagnoses from naturopaths but it's not respected or treated by regular doctors and the naturopath's treatments didn't help. Terrible to be on our own, without accessible or working treatments.

Hi, i can relate. I have very severe ME with over 30 unbearable symptoms. Also very depressed and suffer from anxiety. I'm almost completely bedbound and don't tolerate meds. Ive also medical trauma from the medical system. I've got SN but I'm worried how much more i will suffer doing that and worry about throwing it up. Also considering the nitrogen method.

Sending hugs and solidarity

Thank you so much for replying. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat. Yes that is my concern with SN. I think the nitrogen method will be challenging to buy everything exactly right and set up, but way less potential for suffering and failure. Please feel free to PM me if that's a function on this site, idk how it works, I've seen other people saying that tho lol. Anyway I am here to talk if you would like.

Hi and welcome to this site. I am also new and I relate to so much of what you expressed.
I am having severe increased migraines and this is robbing me of any kind of life. I also have severe depression and anxiety I have been suicidal since I was a teenager.
I am looking into Pegasos. I'm don't want to have to travel and manage the extensive Application process.
My best to you and I will write more later.

Hi @peaches thank you for replying. Migraines are the worst hell imaginable and if you're also dealing with other pain (depression) it's beyond unbearable. If you do start the Pegasos process I would super appreciate hearing about it. I feel overwhelmed trying to obtain the nitrogen and setting it all up right. I'm just really relieved to feel less alone in this process. Feel free to share anything else about your process or experience with me.

 

[hamtaro]

Thank you so much for replying. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat. Yes that is my concern with SN. I think the nitrogen method will be challenging to buy everything exactly right and set up, but way less potential for suffering and failure. Please feel free to PM me if that's a function on this site, idk how it works, I've seen other people saying that tho lol. Anyway I am here to talk if you would like.

Hi, you'll need to post more on the site for the PM function to be enabled. I don't know the exact number, but you can go to one of the Game threads in the Off-topic section & post replies there to get your number up.

 

[neoyokio]

Hi, you'll need to post more on the site for the PM function to be enabled. I don't know the exact number, but you can go to one of the Game threads in the Off-topic section & post replies there to get your number up.

Thanks for explaining