hopelessANARCHIST
wannago back to a place that doesn’t exist anymore
- Apr 25, 2025
- 4
Hey all,
Call me P, I'm a 23 year old trans masc person living in the USA.
I will use this post as a sort of introduction I guess. I haven't used a forum in a long time but for some inextricable reason it feels good to be make a little "hello here's me and my bag of shit" to strangers on the internet.
My issues:
I struggle with quite a few mental illnesses, addiction, attachment issues, complex/compounded trauma, and some mild-moderate kinds of chronic pain. I've had a history of failed attempts ranging from the ages of 12 years old to 18 year old. I struggle with physical self harm, specifically burning, and numerous other kinds of emotional/interpersonal self destructive behavior such as being painfully anxious-avoidant in a variety of relationships. I am currently in therapy and in the process of seeking additional mental health resources to little success.
Suicidal ideation or the "itus" as I like to call it, has been a looming shadow in my mind, heart, and body since I was at least 10 or 11.
Why I am here:
I've been plagued with suicidal ideation since I was a child, probably because of varying complex traumatic experiences in childhood, bullying, dysfunctional/toxic childhood home, being trans/GNC/queer, among countless other reasons.
I join this site in the aftermath of my first, real, heartbreak. It was a long term, domestic, T4T (trans for trans) relationship. I am also currently housing insecure, in between places and running the support I have weary with my current daily crises. Similarly to what I told my sweetie, I have reached the end of my rope; I don't have much more in me.
April 2025 has been the month that's about done me in, unfortunately/fortunately I cannot seriously plan CTB yet no matter how much i crave peace. I have a few reasons but the biggest two are:
-I need to pack up my stuff and help my sweetie clean/fix our apartment. I already abandoned/failed them in the sense of our relationship, I cannot and will not leave them to have to deal with the burden of facing our old home together alone.
-I am a caregiver and I wanna make sure my client is set up with a reliable replacement because I don't want to fuck them over and put a strain on their other employees.
Perhaps there will be more crucial reasons to delay peace, but as of writing this those are the most critical to me. It feels pretty crappy to admit that those are my biggest two because, well, I do have people who care about me and a majority of those people have been affected by suicide. I wish in my core that I could more strongly factor those people in, it feels selfish not to but hey… that's just where i am at right?
What I want from being here:
I am still figuring that out honestly but I have a few ideas so far:
-I want a space to vent, I do have friends, family, a therapist, etc but well, my therapist is a mandatory reporter and my loved ones have all been affected by suicide, overdose, or gun violence. I feel like I've already been starting to strain those relationships with how poorly I've been doing and hopeless I've been feeling. I feel like screaming into this corner of the internet void will be at the very least cathartic.
-I would really appreciate empathy and advice, particularly from other trans/queer people and leftists but ultimately I will listen to anyone with a gentle heart.
-I suspect this site is a place that my older sister referenced to CTB 5 years ago with SN and I frankly feel connected with her being here. I hold no ill will towards any resource about suicide (obviously haha). In the aftermath of her death, I came to a "pro-choice" conclusion. As an anarchist, I believe in radical self autonomy for everyone and I think the foundation of that includes respecting one's choice about how they live their life or end their life. My sister was plagued with even more debilitating mental illnesses than I suffer with, she had been attempting since she was in her single digits. She caught the bus for more reasons than I could ever reckon with, but one of them was heartbreak. To which I say, I really understand now Tay, I really, really, do.
-If things continue to head in the direction they are, I am also using this site for reference. I imagine if and/or when I decide it's time, I will likely need to delete this account and scrub any mention of it from my history. I don't know if my loved ones would understand my reasons or the reasons for forums like this existing and I cannot blame them. I know grief and grief is all consuming, completely blinding, and at least for me, when I'm in it; I am utterly at its whims.
Concluding/Rambling Thoughts:
I had a pretty serious, pre-meditated suicide attempt when I was 14 where I don't know if it would have ended up being successful or not. Regardless, I've found myself constantly going back that attempt and thinking to myself, only to myself, "none of it has been worth it". I'm 23 now, it's almost been ten years and I still wished I died at 14. Nothing has been worth the excruciating pain, loss, grief, and anguish I've had to deal with every year of my life since then.
I used to draw so much, I used to be so creative and motivated to put my vivid imagination into the material. Now even my imagination is barely an escape. My drawings are rare, bland, and uninteresting. My imagination is blurry and unfocused. My dreams, if they're not nightmares, are rarely extraordinary anymore and usually sadly involving me. I loved dreams because they gave me an escape from being me, but it seems the closer my brain gets to being developed the less I can imagine what it is like to be someone else different. These aren't recent things either, I haven't been a consistent artist since 2021-2022. I look back at my old sketchbooks and just want to cry because I didn't think my art was that "good" but at least I was actually doing it.
I've been thinking recently about how I rarely ever drew my former partner because I was so incredibly ungrateful and ignorant, because I always just imagined drawing them instead of actually putting it into action. Towards the end of our relationship I think I drew one of the first (?) and last pieces for them, it was just a little clean sketch. It was them as a lil androgynous clown and I told them that it was one of many ways I pictured them in my head. I regret not expressing my love more in that way.
I have so many regrets and I'm only 23, I cannot imagine what kind of sad shell of a person I would be in another ten years. When I was a teenager in highschool hanging around older, shitty drunk punk types in alleyways, they had this edgy, nihilistic sort of mantra "i'm punky, i'm nerdy, i'm gonna die before 30". It was so cringey looking back on it but a small part of me has always been like "…yeah probably". Punk, leftist, traveler/oogle, and queer folks don't tend to allow for having long lifespans for a multitude of reason. Most of my community has lost more loved ones to again, suicide/od/violence more times than I can count on both hands. I want better for my communities that I treasure so dearly but it seems like such a fruitless endeavor. The world, this country specifically just seems to keep nose diving into the worst. It's weird to hold both my interpersonal/emotional despair and the broader national/geopolitical despair at the same time. One feels so big but is such a minimal part of a massive picture and the other feels like so incomprehensible, so existential but nonetheless oppressively suffocating.
Actual concluding thought:
At this point I think I will conclude since my eyes are raw and my fingers are stiff, I love to treat public content as my own journal despite literally anyone and their mom stumbling across this! I look forward to participating in this community for however long I can. I am deeply grateful that spaces like this exist even if only online. I wish that there was more in person spaces that allowed this kind of vulnerability and realness.
Call me P, I'm a 23 year old trans masc person living in the USA.
I will use this post as a sort of introduction I guess. I haven't used a forum in a long time but for some inextricable reason it feels good to be make a little "hello here's me and my bag of shit" to strangers on the internet.
My issues:
I struggle with quite a few mental illnesses, addiction, attachment issues, complex/compounded trauma, and some mild-moderate kinds of chronic pain. I've had a history of failed attempts ranging from the ages of 12 years old to 18 year old. I struggle with physical self harm, specifically burning, and numerous other kinds of emotional/interpersonal self destructive behavior such as being painfully anxious-avoidant in a variety of relationships. I am currently in therapy and in the process of seeking additional mental health resources to little success.
Suicidal ideation or the "itus" as I like to call it, has been a looming shadow in my mind, heart, and body since I was at least 10 or 11.
Why I am here:
I've been plagued with suicidal ideation since I was a child, probably because of varying complex traumatic experiences in childhood, bullying, dysfunctional/toxic childhood home, being trans/GNC/queer, among countless other reasons.
I join this site in the aftermath of my first, real, heartbreak. It was a long term, domestic, T4T (trans for trans) relationship. I am also currently housing insecure, in between places and running the support I have weary with my current daily crises. Similarly to what I told my sweetie, I have reached the end of my rope; I don't have much more in me.
April 2025 has been the month that's about done me in, unfortunately/fortunately I cannot seriously plan CTB yet no matter how much i crave peace. I have a few reasons but the biggest two are:
-I need to pack up my stuff and help my sweetie clean/fix our apartment. I already abandoned/failed them in the sense of our relationship, I cannot and will not leave them to have to deal with the burden of facing our old home together alone.
-I am a caregiver and I wanna make sure my client is set up with a reliable replacement because I don't want to fuck them over and put a strain on their other employees.
Perhaps there will be more crucial reasons to delay peace, but as of writing this those are the most critical to me. It feels pretty crappy to admit that those are my biggest two because, well, I do have people who care about me and a majority of those people have been affected by suicide. I wish in my core that I could more strongly factor those people in, it feels selfish not to but hey… that's just where i am at right?
What I want from being here:
I am still figuring that out honestly but I have a few ideas so far:
-I want a space to vent, I do have friends, family, a therapist, etc but well, my therapist is a mandatory reporter and my loved ones have all been affected by suicide, overdose, or gun violence. I feel like I've already been starting to strain those relationships with how poorly I've been doing and hopeless I've been feeling. I feel like screaming into this corner of the internet void will be at the very least cathartic.
-I would really appreciate empathy and advice, particularly from other trans/queer people and leftists but ultimately I will listen to anyone with a gentle heart.
-I suspect this site is a place that my older sister referenced to CTB 5 years ago with SN and I frankly feel connected with her being here. I hold no ill will towards any resource about suicide (obviously haha). In the aftermath of her death, I came to a "pro-choice" conclusion. As an anarchist, I believe in radical self autonomy for everyone and I think the foundation of that includes respecting one's choice about how they live their life or end their life. My sister was plagued with even more debilitating mental illnesses than I suffer with, she had been attempting since she was in her single digits. She caught the bus for more reasons than I could ever reckon with, but one of them was heartbreak. To which I say, I really understand now Tay, I really, really, do.
-If things continue to head in the direction they are, I am also using this site for reference. I imagine if and/or when I decide it's time, I will likely need to delete this account and scrub any mention of it from my history. I don't know if my loved ones would understand my reasons or the reasons for forums like this existing and I cannot blame them. I know grief and grief is all consuming, completely blinding, and at least for me, when I'm in it; I am utterly at its whims.
Concluding/Rambling Thoughts:
I had a pretty serious, pre-meditated suicide attempt when I was 14 where I don't know if it would have ended up being successful or not. Regardless, I've found myself constantly going back that attempt and thinking to myself, only to myself, "none of it has been worth it". I'm 23 now, it's almost been ten years and I still wished I died at 14. Nothing has been worth the excruciating pain, loss, grief, and anguish I've had to deal with every year of my life since then.
I used to draw so much, I used to be so creative and motivated to put my vivid imagination into the material. Now even my imagination is barely an escape. My drawings are rare, bland, and uninteresting. My imagination is blurry and unfocused. My dreams, if they're not nightmares, are rarely extraordinary anymore and usually sadly involving me. I loved dreams because they gave me an escape from being me, but it seems the closer my brain gets to being developed the less I can imagine what it is like to be someone else different. These aren't recent things either, I haven't been a consistent artist since 2021-2022. I look back at my old sketchbooks and just want to cry because I didn't think my art was that "good" but at least I was actually doing it.
I've been thinking recently about how I rarely ever drew my former partner because I was so incredibly ungrateful and ignorant, because I always just imagined drawing them instead of actually putting it into action. Towards the end of our relationship I think I drew one of the first (?) and last pieces for them, it was just a little clean sketch. It was them as a lil androgynous clown and I told them that it was one of many ways I pictured them in my head. I regret not expressing my love more in that way.
I have so many regrets and I'm only 23, I cannot imagine what kind of sad shell of a person I would be in another ten years. When I was a teenager in highschool hanging around older, shitty drunk punk types in alleyways, they had this edgy, nihilistic sort of mantra "i'm punky, i'm nerdy, i'm gonna die before 30". It was so cringey looking back on it but a small part of me has always been like "…yeah probably". Punk, leftist, traveler/oogle, and queer folks don't tend to allow for having long lifespans for a multitude of reason. Most of my community has lost more loved ones to again, suicide/od/violence more times than I can count on both hands. I want better for my communities that I treasure so dearly but it seems like such a fruitless endeavor. The world, this country specifically just seems to keep nose diving into the worst. It's weird to hold both my interpersonal/emotional despair and the broader national/geopolitical despair at the same time. One feels so big but is such a minimal part of a massive picture and the other feels like so incomprehensible, so existential but nonetheless oppressively suffocating.
Actual concluding thought:
At this point I think I will conclude since my eyes are raw and my fingers are stiff, I love to treat public content as my own journal despite literally anyone and their mom stumbling across this! I look forward to participating in this community for however long I can. I am deeply grateful that spaces like this exist even if only online. I wish that there was more in person spaces that allowed this kind of vulnerability and realness.
