Venting New Here, But Decided

[JTG1972]

Not sure if this would count as a vent or a story or what.

I've started to seriously consider an end to things. It's not something I ever thought I would consider doing, but I just feel adrift, and like nothing I can do will fix things—and I can't even get up the will or effort to try.
I'm nearly 50 now, and I hate who I've become. I've struggled with depression all my life, I think, but never to this level. I have been out of work for years, I've become very overweight, I've lost all my zest for life... Nothing excites me any more. I don't really have hobbies, just a few shows I watch or games I play to death. I rarely have the energy to leave the house any more, or even cook or care for myself most days. I feel like I have been broken inside for a long long time and nothing can ever fix that.

And I almost would be okay dragging on through this slog of life, if it wasn't for my wife. She's the best (only) good thing that has ever happened to me, and I love her so, so much... but I've been ruining that too. I know she isn't happy. I know she wants more from life than I can give her. She wants to travel and have a family and go on adventures. I can barely make myself go around the block when she begs me to take a walk with her—and it turns out I can't give her children either. She is about 15 years younger than me, vibrant, beautiful, so smart and funny. But a mutual friend of ours she works with called me recently to let me know she's been crying in the bathroom at work a lot recently—because of me. Because I've failed her and left her feeling alone, burdened, in pain.

When I talked to her about it she admitted that she hasn't felt like I've loved her or wanted to fight for our relationship in a while. She is constantly makin is plans or trying to cheer me up and I most of the time shut her down or bail on plans last minute. She always says it's okay, but I know it isn't. She begged me to get therapy, she knows I'm struggling and wants me to get better... but I can't see it working. And we honestly can't afford it—because I'm not working. I can't bring myself to put her in more debt, to add to her burdens that way. I told her I would think about it but I don't really want to.

I feel like she's wasting her life with me. She could have men chasing after her in the streets, and she's trapped with the mess I've become. She loves me, but I know she can't be proud of me. I'm not proud of me. I have considered trying to leave, but I know she would waste her time and money worrying and trying to find me or bring me back, get me help. She's always been the nurturing type and she would blame herself if anything happened to me. I've tried to push her away—told her I can't be fixed, I can't change, that she could have anyone, that she can't let her worries about me tie her down, but she won't leave. She keeps asking me to fight, but I'm just so damn tired.

I've started to seriously consider suicide. I know it would hurt her, but it would also set her free. Instead of wasting more years trying to save me and then grieving when I inevitably end it (because without her, I'd have nothing, no reason to stay anyway even if I drove her to leave or left myself), she could just start grieving now, and then move on and find someone worth her time before she's too old to have the family and adventures she wants and deserves to have. I don't have anyone else to miss me, no job or debt to leave behind. I just want to be done. I want to stop costing her her time and money and happiness. I just need to figure out how best to do it, and hopefully a way to do it so she won't find/try to stop me.

Thank you all for making this place where people can really learn about their options and see they aren't alone in their desires.

 

[SprocketFiend]

Wow, JTG, what you're going through sounds so incredibly difficult. I completely understand why you're considering suicide. I would urge you to give at least just one attempt at seeing a therapist— I know it seems exhausting and pointless, but wouldn't you want to know you at least tried just once? It sounds like you're really hurting, I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's no easy answer. I know you must feel so tired. I'm glad you've found this forum, we're all here for you when you need to talk or vent. You aren't alone!! Whatever path you end up taking, I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

Thanks for sharing this. I hope you can find some answers here.

 

[BlessedOffal]

Hello. I hope you don't mind me replying, even though I'm new. Your wife sounds like a wonderful, kind, and loving person, which makes me suspect you might be as well. At the very least, your love for your wife shines through from the way that you write about her. It's nice to read. Thanks for sharing.

Know how we're told not to care what other people think about us and to instead focus on what we think about ourselves? I wonder if in many cases of depression that could be absolute rank horseshit. I'm not one to talk though, as I feel your pain. Sending virtual hugs your way.

 

[Sunset Limited]

Welcome buddy

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

She begged me to get therapy, she knows I'm struggling and wants me to get better... but I can't see it working. And we honestly can't afford it—because I'm not working. I can't bring myself to put her in more debt, to add to her burdens that way. I told her I would think about it but I don't really want to.

Are you in the U.S.? If so, have you tried County MH services? There are also universities that offer low cost or sliding scale services to the public. How about a therapeutic meet up group?

If you have no one else to talk to besides your wife about your problems you dont have even a shot at getting better. She is also bearing the brunt of your depression too. Do you really think your health or better yet hers is not worth the money (since you care about her that much)? Depression impacts the spouse just as well as the person.

If you haven't tried anything how can you say it won't work? If you've tried in the past what was your experience? Did you try meds before?

 

[JTG1972]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and kind words. It helps somewhat to know that there is a place I can be open with my feelings on this possibility.

I really do not think I am a good person. I've tried to be, but I just can't reconcile with myself sometimes the way I've acted (or failed to act). My wife has been the best thing to ever happen to me, and really I think if anyone's changed me for the better, it's her.

I'm still not sure about therapy. I get nauseous just thinking about having to go do it, to tell someone how I've failed and let—ask them—to judge me. But you're right, I guess I should give it at least one try in my adult life. I did have some therapy as a kid, but it didn't help. At 20 I attempted to kill myself by jumping off a high train trestle, but at the last moment I chickened out. Part of me feels like that was my chance and if I'd just done it I would have been spared all the pain since... But I also wouldn't have met my wife, and I selfishly want the time I've had with her. I've never been on anything for the depression though. I worry it will make it worse?

I think I also will go ahead and buy some supplies too. If I never need them it will be wonderful, but then I will have them just in case. If I continue to see how I'm hurting her, how struggling to help me is only dragging her down... I can't let her end up as messed up and broken as I am. She's too good for that suffering. But I'll try, if I can, before I close the book on things.

Thanks guys.