MissingCircadian

MissingCircadian

Member
Feb 25, 2019
13
Hi everyone, I'm new here. Sorry for the long initial post. This is a complicated and difficult issue to understand. I never thought I would have to consider CTB for relief from my condition. This is a bizarre and cruel world. I must warn you, my condition won't be believed. It defies medical logic and common sense. Out of 7 Billion people, I had a 0.000000014285714% chance of this happening. I don't know how you say that percentage but that's what it equates to. Basically, I am the only one out of 7 billion people. A condition that doctors have never seen and can not be diagnosed or treated.

I am trapped in a body that no longer requires sleep or food.

I know what you're thinking, "No Fucking Way!" I'll explain.

Beginning in 2010 and over the course of 5 years, my GI tract malfunctioned. My first observation in 2010 was the lack of bed head in the morning, random headaches, stopped getting a cold sore on my lip, and no more bruises. There were no obvious issues over the next 5 years. The only noticeable signs were thinning of my hair and my hair and facial hair would grow at a slower rate. I figured the slower hair growth was aging. Early 2015 I get sick in an unusual way. It feels like a cold but the congestion is in my throat and not my nose. It was something I never experienced and was unusual enough for me to remember. September 2015 brought about another sign. Sadly, it was too late. Life ended then and I didn't know it yet. I experienced a state of disorientation and sensitivity to light that lasted 1-2 full days. This only occurred if I stood up. If I laid down, I was okay. I called my doctor and she informed me that this can happen by not eating enough protein. That didn't make sense as I ate beef or chicken daily. December 2016 brought about another sign. I lose my appetite and all stomach sensation. I begin to worry as this is now a serious matter. I see my doctor and it's suggested that it's depression. I didn't feel depressed and I have had no major changes in my life. I was already having trouble sleeping by this time but I'm not fully aware of it yet. I continue to see different doctors, neurologist, integrated medicine to do cortisol testing, etc. Still no definitive answers to a cause. The various tests provide me with a direction to begin my own understanding of where to start.

I start with Serotonin. One of the tests I have done provides my serotonin level. It is measured at 55. Normal level is approximately 155. I begin to research serotonin and the role it has in the body. It is known as a neurotransmitter, the primary or main neurotransmitter. Surprisingly enough, it is primarily produced in the GI tract and not in the brain as many believe. UCLA research has concluded that 90-95% of the body's serotonin is produced in the GI tract. Since it is found in the GI tract, it is also part of the digestive process. I found that interesting and I continue my research. I learn that serotonin is the precursor to melatonin, which regulates the sleep wake cycle. This leads to be learn about circadian rhythm. If I remember, this is part of our sleep wake cycle. I don't know if I knew of the term circadian rhythm but I understood what it was. It's our body clock. It is how our body recognizes the time of day or night. I now recognize that I have no circadian rhythm. I didn't realize that my body wasn't separating day and night. Circadian Rhythms regulates many processes throughout our body. Body temperature, hunger cycles, and other bodily functions.

I am beginning to understand what has happened. My body slowly reduced the amount of serotonin circulating thru my body in the GI tract. By September 2015, my GI tract isn't producing enough serotonin to regulate my primary circadian rhythm. I say primary as there are "body clocks" located in various organs throughout the body. The primary circadian rhythm is controlled in the part of the brain called the hypothalamus and is called the suprachiasmatic nucleuse. I refer to the September 2015 event as the "disconnect."

What am I left with? I am left with a body that never has any hunger pains. I do not feel any physical reactions to not eating. Whenever I do eat, it is for taste only as I never feel what I am eating in my stomach. My body has not physically changed to not eating my normal amount prior to this beginning, no weight loss. I never feel groggy or tired. I can stay awake indefinitely. Every hour of every day feels the same, there is no early morning, late night, or overnight separation. I do lay down and close my eyes while listening to NDE and afterlife videos on YouTube. My body doesn't feel the same. I am unable to explain the difference to be understood by others. My body no longer sweats and has a dirty feel from the inside. My head feels like a layer of skin over a skull. A neurologist said the "squishy" layer between the skin and skull is muscle. Sometimes I will feel pressure and discomfort in the area of my heart, as though it is going to pop. I can't think of any other issues with my body.

I just want to CTB as this is a miserable way of life. I am perpetually sad as I know the condition I am in. Living is a constant reminder of what has happened to me. The mind games are constant over then and now. I never thought I would be in a CTB position and I am afraid to die. Complicating matters is I have a 16 year old son. I worry about the impact on him if I CTB.

Sorry my first post was so long. Thank you for reading my story.
 
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lululoo

lululoo

Mage
Dec 15, 2018
558
Serotonin cannot be measured. Every body needs food and sleep.
But I believe you are suffering. Can you trying seeing another doctor to help you?
If you are sleeping very little, that is messing with your mind and you are not seeings things clearly. Maybe a doctor could give you meds to help you sleep and then you could figure out how to tackle the other symptoms you are having.
Your son needs you.
 
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G

GeorgeEastman

Arcanist
Sep 3, 2018
470
No hunger ever? I'd consider that winning the lottery and never take another bite of food.
 
MissingCircadian

MissingCircadian

Member
Feb 25, 2019
13
Serotonin cannot be measured. Every body needs food and sleep.
But I believe you are suffering. Can you trying seeing another doctor to help you?
If you are sleeping very little, that is messing with your mind and you are not seeings things clearly. Maybe a doctor could give you meds to help you sleep and then you could figure out how to tackle the other symptoms you are having.
Your son needs you.


Serotonin can be measured. It is how they measure Serotonin Syndrome. Mayo Clinic utilizes a urine test to measure for Serotonin Syndrome. I mean, common sense and medical logic dictate the need for food and sleep. My body failed and I am left with what I have. I can not fix this. What has happened to me has never occurred before. It can not be diagnosed or treated. I understand what has happened because I lived it. There are peripheral tests that can determine something is wrong but, nothing to say exactly. I have had a cortisol test that follows the sleep wake cycle. That is the closest I can get to explain what has happened.
 
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FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,782
Sorry my first post was so long. Thank you for reading my story.

I'm speechless. It gives me chills to read that you cannot feel the sensation of food in your stomach anymore. And that you can't sleep, either. Really, really sorry. Whatever you decide, I hope your suffering ends or at least becomes manageable.
 
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Pentobartbital

Pentobartbital

Crumbling
Feb 25, 2019
183
@MissingCircadian

I cannot fathom what you undergo. Have you ever had an x-ray or exploration of your intestines? I know there are some persons who came to rarely eat and when their autopsies were processed their intestines had atrophied significantly.

When I was going through Hellish withdrawal from Effexor, I had the only bout of sheer insomnia in my natural life. No matter what I did, walking outside, sleeping in different parts of the house, anything, I could not rest. I was slowly going insane. What you describe sounds more passive, but jarring regardless.

I remember an account of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian, who had contracted a disease that, while he recovered, had left him perpetually restless inasmuch that he stalked the palatial halls at night, wide-eyed and plotting in accord with the paranoia that his position and lack of healthful rest beheld him to.
 
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M

Mybattle

Member
Feb 27, 2019
54
Sorry to hear your story :(

I can relate to your life being warped from ok to hell within a very short time. A few months back I would never ctb. Now I would love a quick and painless way as there is also no (known) solution for my problem. Maybe years decades of suffering but I dont want that.

I feel very sorry for you because I feel the same and it is the most pain I have ever felt... Isn't there any treatment? Can't you take meds that provide you with serotonin and melatonin? There is no doc that can help you?

Not that I have much trust in doctors but you never know. Maybe you still have options.
 
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Meretlein

Meretlein

Moderator
Feb 15, 2019
1,199
Have you thought about applying for euthanasia at Dignitas? It accepts foreigners and it would be much better (in my opinion) to have it done officially and not hiding like a criminal. There are other Swiss organizations that accept foreign applications for euthanasia but Dignitas is the most well known.
 
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Vaughn

Vaughn

Experienced
Feb 21, 2019
227
welcome - but I am still not sure what you wanted to say or ask ? Maybe I just got lost in the length of the post..
 
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lululoo

lululoo

Mage
Dec 15, 2018
558
Serotonin can be measured. It is how they measure Serotonin Syndrome. Mayo Clinic utilizes a urine test to measure for Serotonin Syndrome. I mean, common sense and medical logic dictate the need for food and sleep. My body failed and I am left with what I have. I can not fix this. What has happened to me has never occurred before. It can not be diagnosed or treated. I understand what has happened because I lived it. There are peripheral tests that can determine something is wrong but, nothing to say exactly. I have had a cortisol test that follows the sleep wake cycle. That is the closest I can get to explain what has happened.
Sorry I meant to say that Serotonin can be measured only in the blood (not brain or GI tract).

I thought you were saying your body doesn't require food or sleep so I was just saying that can't be possible. But I see you agree with that.

I'm not sure how to help. I do think you could see more doctors though if you have it in you. Three years is a relatively short time to deal with a chronic illness. I just mean that it is still possible you could find a diagnosis or treatment. But I understand if it feels hopeless to you and you choose not to. I'm at over ten years now so I have definitely reached the hopeless point.
 
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MissingCircadian

MissingCircadian

Member
Feb 25, 2019
13
I just wanted to introduce myself. You know, the new guy in school who doesn't feel like he fits in. That's me, I never thought I'd have to consider CTB. But here I am, stuck in a position that can't be helped.
welcome - but I am still not sure what you wanted to say or ask ? Maybe I just got lost in the length of the post..
 
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L

LivingToLong

Experienced
Feb 23, 2019
259
It sounds like a living nightmare, I feel for you.

There is some really weird stuff that happens that our doctors cannot explain - and people's reactions to such stuff is often skeptical. Those reactions are not helpful. It's bad enough that you have to deal with the realities of the situation (whatever it may be and what ever its cause) without also having to deal with the doubters. I know that much from my own (comparatively negligible) experiences. It requires a strength that you don't always possess.
 
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MissingCircadian

MissingCircadian

Member
Feb 25, 2019
13
Did you get a sleep study done?
It's beyond a sleep study. This was a catastrophic failure of my body. There is details I left out because it is rather embarrassing. I feel like the biggest fool in the world. And that's 7 billion people.
Have you thought about applying for euthanasia at Dignitas? It accepts foreigners and it would be much better (in my opinion) to have it done officially and not hiding like a criminal. There are other Swiss organizations that accept foreign applications for euthanasia but Dignitas is the most well known.
I have no income for that, including funds for travel.
Sorry to hear your story :(

I can relate to your life being warped from ok to hell within a very short time. A few months back I would never ctb. Now I would love a quick and painless way as there is also no (known) solution for my problem. Maybe years decades of suffering but I dont want that.

I feel very sorry for you because I feel the same and it is the most pain I have ever felt... Isn't there any treatment? Can't you take meds that provide you with serotonin and melatonin? There is no doc that can help you?

Not that I have much trust in doctors but you never know. Maybe you still have options.
No, there isn't any hope. A complete failure of my body that began in 2010. Developed over the course of 5 years and 2015 was the point of no return. My body has been in this condition for almost 4 years now.
@MissingCircadian

I cannot fathom what you undergo. Have you ever had an x-ray or exploration of your intestines? I know there are some persons who came to rarely eat and when their autopsies were processed their intestines had atrophied significantly.

When I was going through Hellish withdrawal from Effexor, I had the only bout of sheer insomnia in my natural life. No matter what I did, walking outside, sleeping in different parts of the house, anything, I could not rest. I was slowly going insane. What you describe sounds more passive, but jarring regardless.

I remember an account of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian, who had contracted a disease that, while he recovered, had left him perpetually restless inasmuch that he stalked the palatial halls at night, wide-eyed and plotting in accord with the paranoia that his position and lack of healthful rest beheld him to.
No, an x-ray in 2015 or prior would have been helpful. It would have caught the issue then. Now it is beyond any help.
 
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