Venting never gonna escape

[lexicidal]

i don't think i'll ever feel normal or okay again. i know it's possible to get better, but it seems so difficult and i know i'm never fully gonna recover from everything i've gone through. i have severe depression and most likely BPD, that can't be fixed no matter what i do and it can get better and i can live with it but i don't want to live with that always lingering. i can never escape the trauma either, i don't remember my childhood but i grew up with a narcissist alcoholic mother and a very angry father who are to this day still mentally and emotionally abusive. i was groomed online when i was 12-13 and lately it's been hitting me like a truck. i can still remember some of the texts, i remember what they made me do, it's never gonna stop. it's on the internet forever no matter what, even if it doesn't come up. that's something that will haunt me until i die and it's my own fault that i put myself in this position, but i don't want to live with all this shit forever and i KNOW it's never gonna fully get better. it can improve but my brain is not normal, i'll never feel normal and i don't want to live a life where i'm just ignoring everything in my head. the only way i can ever escape the trauma and the chemical imbalances is ctb, at this point i'm so miserable that death feels like the best/only option for me and it's the only way to be happy and at peace. it's not a sad thing for me, i know that people will be upset when i'm dead but it's for the better. my reasons to live have nothing to do with myself and everything to do with the people around me and i'm still bringing them down with all my problems and suffering, it's a burden to me and everyone else and i cant wait to ctb so it can end for me and for everyone else.

 

[Enlighten]

i don't think i'll ever feel normal or okay again. i know it's possible to get better, but it seems so difficult and i know i'm never fully gonna recover from everything i've gone through. i have severe depression and most likely BPD, that can't be fixed no matter what i do and it can get better and i can live with it but i don't want to live with that always lingering. i can never escape the trauma either, i don't remember my childhood but i grew up with a narcissist alcoholic mother and a very angry father who are to this day still mentally and emotionally abusive. i was groomed online when i was 12-13 and lately it's been hitting me like a truck. i can still remember some of the texts, i remember what they made me do, it's never gonna stop. it's on the internet forever no matter what, even if it doesn't come up. that's something that will haunt me until i die and it's my own fault that i put myself in this position, but i don't want to live with all this shit forever and i KNOW it's never gonna fully get better. it can improve but my brain is not normal, i'll never feel normal and i don't want to live a life where i'm just ignoring everything in my head. the only way i can ever escape the trauma and the chemical imbalances is ctb, at this point i'm so miserable that death feels like the best/only option for me and it's the only way to be happy and at peace. it's not a sad thing for me, i know that people will be upset when i'm dead but it's for the better. my reasons to live have nothing to do with myself and everything to do with the people around me and i'm still bringing them down with all my problems and suffering, it's a burden to me and everyone else and i cant wait to ctb so it can end for me and for everyone else.

I'm sorry these things happened in your childhood. Children are to be protected, not abused. Don't blame yourself for things you did or didn't do as a kid, your brain wasn't fully developed by then. If you wanna talk about it, i'd love to chat with you.

 

[lexicidal]

I'm sorry these things happened in your childhood. Children are to be protected, not abused. Don't blame yourself for things you did or didn't do as a kid, your brain wasn't fully developed by then. If you wanna talk about it, i'd love to chat with you.

thank you, it means a lot but i don't think talking about it is gonna help. it's not gonna go away

 

[puella]

I'm so sorry for all the pain you're in. Nothing that's happened to you is your fault. The world is unfair and cruel. It's not your fault.

You're not a burden. I'm so proud of everything you've been doing to try living through these heavy conditions. But I understand if you do ultimately decide that CTB is best for you. I am proud of you either way; I care about you.

 

[Enlighten]

thank you, it means a lot but i don't think talking about it is gonna help. it's not gonna go away

It might help to ease the burden. I'm here if you change your mind :)

 

[ManByTheRiver]

It doesn't go away, I was groomed/doxxed/threatened/manipulated ages 12-14. But it does fade. At least I realized it doesn't really matter at all that it happened. I remember most of it still, after 10+ years, but I no longer get anxiety from it, it's just something that happened. I'm not sure if it's helpful to you, but this has been my experience with the matter.