Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,931
One of the things that always stuck out to me was how I've never been needed by anyone. I know that might sound like a good thing on the surface. But having this feeling over an extended period of time, you start to feel like you're worthless.
I'm not someone who has a lot of social needs, but on the few occasions I try to talk to someone, I'm painfully aware that I'm only being tolerated and that they'd probably prefer me to go away. I only engage with people on a bare minimum basis, typically - whatever I feel like is the least amount of interaction I need while trying to remain relatively unobtrusive. I have to engage with others at least a little, for my sanity if nothing else. But I always feel like I'm imposing.
I'm a big dude (6'5''/230). When I try to just hang with anyone, I'm always so far outside my own demographic or otherwise come across as so out of place or weird that it's just unpleasant. I can also seem threatening or possibly sexually aggressive. People don't want to talk to me. I've had middle aged women in stores give me fearful looks and then dart out of the way.
I never really had many in-person friends and when I did, they never actively sought me out or anything. But it's also been that way in my romantic relationships. I've always had to do the running and chase things down. I've always been the one to have to feign enthusiasm, come up with ideas, show initiative, and put in the effort.
I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that my intrinsic value is close to zero. I'm just a useless (pizza) eater who doesn't provide value for anyone outside of my parents, and even that's only because I'm their offspring.
It would be nice to just sometimes feel like I'm essential to something or someone. I have no purpose and provide nothing anyone else needs, and I have a knack for putting people off me even when they do give me a chance. This means people have, and probably always will have, a very "take it or leave it" attitude towards me. If I dropped off the face of the earth, no one would give a shit. I only exist to try and make it through a pointless life I don't even want.
Just some random musings I suppose.
I'm not someone who has a lot of social needs, but on the few occasions I try to talk to someone, I'm painfully aware that I'm only being tolerated and that they'd probably prefer me to go away. I only engage with people on a bare minimum basis, typically - whatever I feel like is the least amount of interaction I need while trying to remain relatively unobtrusive. I have to engage with others at least a little, for my sanity if nothing else. But I always feel like I'm imposing.
I'm a big dude (6'5''/230). When I try to just hang with anyone, I'm always so far outside my own demographic or otherwise come across as so out of place or weird that it's just unpleasant. I can also seem threatening or possibly sexually aggressive. People don't want to talk to me. I've had middle aged women in stores give me fearful looks and then dart out of the way.
I never really had many in-person friends and when I did, they never actively sought me out or anything. But it's also been that way in my romantic relationships. I've always had to do the running and chase things down. I've always been the one to have to feign enthusiasm, come up with ideas, show initiative, and put in the effort.
I guess I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that my intrinsic value is close to zero. I'm just a useless (pizza) eater who doesn't provide value for anyone outside of my parents, and even that's only because I'm their offspring.
It would be nice to just sometimes feel like I'm essential to something or someone. I have no purpose and provide nothing anyone else needs, and I have a knack for putting people off me even when they do give me a chance. This means people have, and probably always will have, a very "take it or leave it" attitude towards me. If I dropped off the face of the earth, no one would give a shit. I only exist to try and make it through a pointless life I don't even want.
Just some random musings I suppose.