I barely slept without addictive medication which makes my anxiety hellish. I am so fucking ill. I feel ashamed. I am overthinking shit. I improved concerning social awkwardness but I am still sometimes really weird. I am so fucking anxious in public transport and behave weird. It is embarrassing. However I think noone remembers me after 5 minutes we left the train/bus. And at least currently it is not that horrible but unfriendly.
The problem is the following: the people around me trigger me so much. I feel like they were watching me which is paranoid and I know that. Still these thoughts keep my mind busy. At the same time I have social anxiety and I am scared of social interactions. In the end I try to ignore my environment. I think there were some times I did not off the seat to other people. I think once I was kind of psychotic I did not see a pregnant woman. (don't judge me please I was psychotic I feel so ashamed about it).
Holy shit just remembering that made me extremely panicking. But it is some years ago. Well my "very good" therapist to that time did not notice my psychotic symptoms after more than 25 sessions. I saw her that day.
Recently again I think I ignored a person. I am not sure. I am currently not in a good condition. Remembering embarrassing incidents induces severe anxiety. At the same time letting it out and sharing it helps. At least it is supposed to.
The anxiety is so strong that filtering my environment is the best thing to do. But it can lead to awkward situations which fuel my overthinking. I listen to LIl Peep usually which comforts me experiencing social anxiety. Due to the fact he had a lot of soccial anxiety too and was perceived as sometimes kind of weird.
Just when writing this thread I cringed/panicked like 20 times because it made me feel very ashamed. However there is something that helps. Well my sorrows are not important on this issue. I really want to control very microimpression of how people perceive me. And I came to the conclusion that is completely impossible. I think on average I got way better with social awkwardness. But some situations are still toxic for me. I recently almost fainted in the bus because I try to lose an half kilogram and I felt so weak. Further I was very paranoid.
I wanted to say I have real major issues like health or money. I should focus on these sorrows and not worrying about my perception. To be honest the right answer would be of course to worry less. I should not be too harsh on me. Honestly just reflecting on the last week says to me "oh my fucking god I am so fucking ill and I still manage to attend college without collapsing". I think in the end I will have no escape other than suicide. But considering my severe condition I am still somewhat good at it. I think most of it is shallow and fake. I feel like an impostor 95% of the day and I am alway anxious to get exposed which leads to weird behavior and thinking patterns. I am currently struggling so much because of that.
I analyze shit from the past like 10 hours a day. Shit most healthy people think like 30 seconds about. Holy shit I am struggling so much. I wish I would die in sleep but I know that this extremely unlikely.
Thanks for reading this thread.
Lol I panicked so much because of the incidents which I described that I had to take a benzo (it helps). I think I might should reach out for professional help. But I think they won't pay me more therapy sessions.
The problem is the following: the people around me trigger me so much. I feel like they were watching me which is paranoid and I know that. Still these thoughts keep my mind busy. At the same time I have social anxiety and I am scared of social interactions. In the end I try to ignore my environment. I think there were some times I did not off the seat to other people. I think once I was kind of psychotic I did not see a pregnant woman. (don't judge me please I was psychotic I feel so ashamed about it).
Holy shit just remembering that made me extremely panicking. But it is some years ago. Well my "very good" therapist to that time did not notice my psychotic symptoms after more than 25 sessions. I saw her that day.
Recently again I think I ignored a person. I am not sure. I am currently not in a good condition. Remembering embarrassing incidents induces severe anxiety. At the same time letting it out and sharing it helps. At least it is supposed to.
The anxiety is so strong that filtering my environment is the best thing to do. But it can lead to awkward situations which fuel my overthinking. I listen to LIl Peep usually which comforts me experiencing social anxiety. Due to the fact he had a lot of soccial anxiety too and was perceived as sometimes kind of weird.
Just when writing this thread I cringed/panicked like 20 times because it made me feel very ashamed. However there is something that helps. Well my sorrows are not important on this issue. I really want to control very microimpression of how people perceive me. And I came to the conclusion that is completely impossible. I think on average I got way better with social awkwardness. But some situations are still toxic for me. I recently almost fainted in the bus because I try to lose an half kilogram and I felt so weak. Further I was very paranoid.
I wanted to say I have real major issues like health or money. I should focus on these sorrows and not worrying about my perception. To be honest the right answer would be of course to worry less. I should not be too harsh on me. Honestly just reflecting on the last week says to me "oh my fucking god I am so fucking ill and I still manage to attend college without collapsing". I think in the end I will have no escape other than suicide. But considering my severe condition I am still somewhat good at it. I think most of it is shallow and fake. I feel like an impostor 95% of the day and I am alway anxious to get exposed which leads to weird behavior and thinking patterns. I am currently struggling so much because of that.
I analyze shit from the past like 10 hours a day. Shit most healthy people think like 30 seconds about. Holy shit I am struggling so much. I wish I would die in sleep but I know that this extremely unlikely.
Thanks for reading this thread.
Lol I panicked so much because of the incidents which I described that I had to take a benzo (it helps). I think I might should reach out for professional help. But I think they won't pay me more therapy sessions.
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