Venting Neglect/Grooming/Abuse ruined my relationship with sex and my body

[alstroemeria55]

The internet is a horrible place to be when you're young, and especially horrible when it practically raises you instead of your parents. I must have been 14 or 15 when I met the only friend I had, who was two decades older than me, who first scared me to death by threatening to commit suicide, and then didn't stop talking to me so I sort of accepted it because I was lonely and never had success making a best friend before. Started sending me overwhelming gifts and confessing that he loved me. As a young person of course I had not understood fully how I felt and what was proper in this situation and he could exploit my empathy and confusion for sexual roleplay and just generally a lot of talk about sex which is inappropriate for a teenager, doesn't matter if "they're mature for their age" and whatever. This only got more complicated when a shared friend came into the mix and I felt a lot more connected and comfortable with that friend who was close to my age. A bunch of jealousy and drama ensues and then I lose everyone. My depression and self image gets infinitely worse as I try to regain some feeling of safety and connection through meaningless sex. I get raped by a coworker. I feel as though everything is my fault and that all I'm ever good for is my body, that nobody can actually like me for who I am, and that I'm just a meaningless friendless unlovable whore. Now whenever there is any talk about sex I get so triggered and uncomfortable I want to climb out of my skin. I feel so tainted and broken and disgusting, I don't think I can ever have normal relationships with people and I'm in so much pain 99% of the time.
I feel like I have no control whenever someone makes a move on me or wants to go out with me, like I'm just supposed to accept it, even when I don't really feel anything or particularly want it. I can't say no. I'm just too ambivalent and numb.
Fuck the internet and the sexual revolution. I hate myself so badly and I wish I didn't have to live in this body with these memories.

 

[Whale_bones]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Those who prey on the young are truly despicable people. It was 100% the adult's fault to do what he did, he committed a crime and you were the innocent party. It's awful that there are people like this in the world, but I hope one day you can truly know you aren't tainted or at fault. The only people who deserve to feel that way are the ones who preyed on you.

 

[alstroemeria55]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Those who prey on the young are truly despicable people. It was 100% the adult's fault to do what he did, he committed a crime and you were the innocent party. It's awful that there are people like this in the world, but I hope one day you can truly know you aren't tainted or at fault. The only people who deserve to feel that way are the ones who preyed on you.

Worst part is that it took me so many years to realize. I realized it only as an adult, that what was to me just an abnormal relationship because everything in my life was abnormal and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it was in fact grooming by the book. The fact that I felt shame even telling anyone about this relationship in real life should probably have been a blaring red flag but.... It seems I don't know how to be a functional human being and a member of a normal society.

 

[Whale_bones]

Worst part is that it took me so many years to realize. I realized it only as an adult, that what was to me just an abnormal relationship because everything in my life was abnormal and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it was in fact grooming by the book. The fact that I felt shame even telling anyone about this relationship in real life should probably have been a blaring red flag but.... It seems I don't know how to be a functional human being and a member of a normal society.

I had someone do this exact same thing to me when I was 16, he was 2 decades older. Except I saw him in person too (not sure from your post if that happened in your case). And I also thought of it as just an "unusual" relationship for a very long time, it wasn't until my mid-20s that I understood what really happened. So you're not alone in that at all!!

When I was that age, I had never heard anyone talk about something like this, or about how manipulative and insidious grooming is... There's so much that goes into it. A lot of society likes to brush it under the rug and pretend it doesn't happen.

The facts are that he was an adult, you were a minor, he knew exactly what he was doing. And these people prey on minors who are already in bad situations, and don't have adults protecting them. But that's 100% a failure of those adults- both those who weren't protecting you when they should have, and this excuse for a man who preyed on you- it's not your failure. They are the ones who deserve to hold the blame and the shame.