Help Needing some advice..

[SirChuxAlot]

Greetings everyone,

I am new here and hoping to maybe make some connections with other people such as myself who suffer from major depressive disorder. I was diagnosed with it about 1 year and a half ago and was advised to continue therapy but never did, primarily because I had lost health insurance as soon as I left my job.

As of late I have been thinking about suicide quite frequently more then usual and while I try ways of "thinking positive" and turning my attention to something else, it never seems to work and for only so long even if it does. I will try to keep this short but while I am far from going through the worst, I have been through alot that I believe has affected me over the years. I was bullied from middle school to the beginning of high school over my weight issue (I was at 400LBS but I have since then lost all that weight and kept it off for years and stay at about 150-160), exposed to a drug life thanks to my mother and sister, lost my father at 16 on Christmas Day having me to fend for myself since then and was diagnosed around that same time with Ulcerative Colitis which has since then progressed and developed into Severe Pancolitis, of course there is more there but I think these are some main key points that have affected me throughout the years.

I notice at times I get angry over the smallest things and not quite sure why but even the slightest thing can make me go from an okay mood to immediately heated, wish I knew why. I know I can hold grudges for very long without ever letting them go, like my one ex boss who use to be a friend (or so I thought) and ended up ripping me over a property I had invested into and an ex GF I once invested all my time into to help only to be used after 4 years in over her heroin usage. At the same time I hold shame for not being able to get into the Army (primary reason I lost weight) thanks to my Colitis which has long since affected me from an early age and has only worsened with time along with being 30 and no kids and no spouse or S/O, on that note, being alone doesn't bother me and to be frank, anytime I attempted a relationship, I always preferred to be alone.

There is more but I really don't want to waste anyone's time. I will be straight up and admit I have tried getting advice elsewhere such as Reddit and other forums to no avail and all I ever get is, "Things will get better", when?
I can't say I have the worst of life but I am constantly confused on what I want to do as a career with only a few things I can realistically do that doesn't require an advanced education, constantly stressed and as I mentioned before, debating if maybe suicide is a realistic option, especially since knowing my Pancolitis has no cure and medicine is scarce when it comes to what actually helps control the issue but knowing death is a cure doesn't help.

I guess what I am seeking here is maybe some advice or maybe if I should once again resume therapy(?)

Thanks everyone

 

[Deleted member 4993]

Welcome, there are lovely friendly people here so I am sure you will receive good advice from many.

 

[DeadlyLiving]

First of all, welcome here. :)

I am sorry to hear that you suffered so much in your live, especially the death of your father while you still were so young must have had a big impact on you. Losing people that mean much to us is really hard.
Suicide is always an option, but if you don't think that your life is 100% pointless and you still want to fight, can still see the light and feel hope, then maybe you should try it with therapy. In the end it doesn't hurt to try it out, maybe it makes you feel better or maybe it doesn't - but if all ropes tear you can still choose to die.

And that you can get angry easily is probably a symptom of your depression. I experience it myself so often and it really annoys me that I can be so hateful and angry just because my dog is barking or my cat is scratching against the door, or just normal things in general. I used to take anti depressants when I was in therapy, and they helped against that angry feeling a lot.

 

[SirChuxAlot]

Firstly, thank you both for taking the time to reply as well as the welcomes! Wasn't expecting that quick of a response.

My father and I were somewhat close but at the same time not very much so. He was the only one who I could depend on to not judge me harshly but at the same time failed to teach me valid life skills needed in adulthood. I don't hold a grudge against him though, he did the best he could and that's all anyone could ask for. Eventually he got laid off from his job of 30 years and literally drink so much liquor it killed him, so depression could also run in my family and I don't even know it.

My mother and I have made amends and she has gotten better with time however the rest of the family has disowned me or pretend I simply don't exist. Probaly for the better since they were never there from the start anyways.

I don't know if I want to live. Apart of me says no and other says, what can hurt continuing to try? I have literally held a pistol to my head each time and wanted desperately to finish pulling the trigger but that part of me keeps me from doing it or I am simply not brave enough, take your pick.

I have had dreams of dying where I felt relieved only to be woken up later disappointed. One such was where my ex gf and I got into an heated argument and she literally cut my throat open. I just stood there and accepted what happened only to awake moments later to use the bathroom. There are occassions I also get a excitement boost from life endangering risk taking.

I desperately want to know what's wrong with me, am I going insane? I question this from time to time. Apart of me just wants to try so I can say I at least attempted all options before me before taking my own life. Will what family I have understand? Who knows.
I want to say another part of me fears the situation of survival from an attempt and the affects afterwards.

All I can say is, my biggest fear of death is not the dying but coming back to repeat the same course again. To me, that is true hell.

 

[JustAboutDone]

@SirChuxAlot did you say your gf cut your throat open?

 

[SirChuxAlot]

@SirChuxAlot did you say your gf cut your throat open?

Not in literal of course, it was a dream / nightmare I had that portrayed her doing that to me. She had a few mental issues as well, she had alot of hatred against people. We would vent to each other which made us build a close bond but continuing down a more romantic road was our biggest mistake. Her biggest issues were drug related which I tried to help her go down a different path and get her life straight which only got me to be betrayed in the end.
She also had a tendency to become jealous even before we were together, such as if I made a comment about a girl I liked. Her favorite line was, "If you choose anyone but me, I will slit their throat", that probaly should have been the warning sign for me but at the time I was pretty young and on my own, so I took it as possibly her joking... the stare she gave was pretty cold when she said it though.