LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
Hello. Title.
It is 1:20 AM.
I am about to sleep, but cannot stop crying and screaming in horror.
This is probably the 400th, probably more, day that I wish I'll wake up a few years prior.
It won't happen. That is not real.
I knew as much as a child - I prayed to wake up as a woman one day, and it didn't... It doesn't work that way... I can't change reality.
The reality... is settling in that I won't have much longer.
It's over, just like that, my whole life I cherished.
Everything I wished to accomplish crumbled to dust (barring my transition, the one sustained success).
My relationships are broken, I never managed to achieve gainful employment or education, and my biggest dream of US citizenship - which I might've fulfilled by now! - is long dead.
This became ny dream after I landed - and was treated as a human being for the first time!
No problems with me being a trans woman. I'd be allowed to transition, legally and medically, no fear, no imprisonment, I'd be allowed to participate m, go to school, employment, etc.
I gave up that Green Card to effect a "social death", so that would force me to end up committing suicide no matter what.
It's been 15 months since then.
I can't take it anymore.
I miss my folks, that were like family.
I couldn't be there for them when they had Covid. I couldn't be there when our second cat died. I've been gone for 22 months now.
In the past, I felt strongly about being there and helping out in those moments (like when our first cat passed) and it was always appreciated...
I loved you, Sunny. I:m sorry I wasn't there! I'm so fucking sorry! I even lost your favorite coat, that I kept with me, that had your fur still technically on it, as it needed no washing (100 % merino wool... her and my favorite clothing material...), that time I got raped, the police took it I:m sorry I shouldn't have talked to rhem
I know it's not the same, but I went to Canada to get a replica... same size, same coat... I know that's not fair, I got a specialized case for Tabby's favorite tennis ball with her fur still on it... I:m so sorry Sunny ... Maybe we'll meet if I go? Will we? Will they let me visit you, maybe just once, even from hell?
Will I get to see my friends? Can I watch over them? It'll be a long, long, time, before they would come up, but can I wait for them?
They wouldn't go where I will, but, I don't know, is there something like a weekend in hell? PTO? Sick leave?
I miss them! I wish I stayed connected!
I could've gone to school, like they all are... I've even finally gotten some real ideas what I could have studied and strived to work as, what lifestyle I would be suited for, I think after some classes I would've gotten the hang of it all.
Honestly, I loved school... I loved school throughout my life. I love learning new things!
I could have done that. Gone to school again - I had all the opportunity in the world in the US.
What will they think, I wonder, once my email hits them?
The last way I can connect with everyone is to say goodbye.
If I receive mercy that I do not deserve, then I will land in the situation 2 years prior upon my death - at least I would be happy then, even if it is an illusion for only me... I guess, getting to watch on would not be bad, either, at least that would be real. No, yes, that is better...
Real means genuine connection, with the actual person, not solely the idea of them.
Connection... I need it.. i can't this solitude...
Instead all I have is the trauma and exclusion of my childhood life here, reliving that day by day. No!!
I have re-ordered SN, from two different sources.
There is a specific plan in my mind...
A serene spot outside in nature, during the dark night, the time I feel most comfortable each day.
Drink the poison, peacefully.
Fade away, far, far away... Alone.
Found in my best outfit, serene, in front of my best scene.
My gift fully discarded, not just in an abstract manner, but finally, real.
And oh, what a gift this life truly was.
I realize that now. I concede it.
It was misery until the States, but from just those 3 years and 11 months out of *25* years, I received SO much.
My mind can not be changed - even if it means death, I am obsessed with the country that took me in. I can't do anywhere else, not unless for short, and a return is guaranteed.
It's my home! My true home!
I will honor it by at least attempting to end in a manner that celebrates the experience and its impact on my once solely miserable life.
I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in this false, emptied existence.
This existential horror needs to end.
Next week might be my last. Vent over.
It is 1:20 AM.
I am about to sleep, but cannot stop crying and screaming in horror.
This is probably the 400th, probably more, day that I wish I'll wake up a few years prior.
It won't happen. That is not real.
I knew as much as a child - I prayed to wake up as a woman one day, and it didn't... It doesn't work that way... I can't change reality.
The reality... is settling in that I won't have much longer.
It's over, just like that, my whole life I cherished.
Everything I wished to accomplish crumbled to dust (barring my transition, the one sustained success).
My relationships are broken, I never managed to achieve gainful employment or education, and my biggest dream of US citizenship - which I might've fulfilled by now! - is long dead.
This became ny dream after I landed - and was treated as a human being for the first time!
No problems with me being a trans woman. I'd be allowed to transition, legally and medically, no fear, no imprisonment, I'd be allowed to participate m, go to school, employment, etc.
I gave up that Green Card to effect a "social death", so that would force me to end up committing suicide no matter what.
It's been 15 months since then.
I can't take it anymore.
I miss my folks, that were like family.
I couldn't be there for them when they had Covid. I couldn't be there when our second cat died. I've been gone for 22 months now.
In the past, I felt strongly about being there and helping out in those moments (like when our first cat passed) and it was always appreciated...
I loved you, Sunny. I:m sorry I wasn't there! I'm so fucking sorry! I even lost your favorite coat, that I kept with me, that had your fur still technically on it, as it needed no washing (100 % merino wool... her and my favorite clothing material...), that time I got raped, the police took it I:m sorry I shouldn't have talked to rhem
I know it's not the same, but I went to Canada to get a replica... same size, same coat... I know that's not fair, I got a specialized case for Tabby's favorite tennis ball with her fur still on it... I:m so sorry Sunny ... Maybe we'll meet if I go? Will we? Will they let me visit you, maybe just once, even from hell?
Will I get to see my friends? Can I watch over them? It'll be a long, long, time, before they would come up, but can I wait for them?
They wouldn't go where I will, but, I don't know, is there something like a weekend in hell? PTO? Sick leave?
I miss them! I wish I stayed connected!
I could've gone to school, like they all are... I've even finally gotten some real ideas what I could have studied and strived to work as, what lifestyle I would be suited for, I think after some classes I would've gotten the hang of it all.
Honestly, I loved school... I loved school throughout my life. I love learning new things!
I could have done that. Gone to school again - I had all the opportunity in the world in the US.
What will they think, I wonder, once my email hits them?
The last way I can connect with everyone is to say goodbye.
If I receive mercy that I do not deserve, then I will land in the situation 2 years prior upon my death - at least I would be happy then, even if it is an illusion for only me... I guess, getting to watch on would not be bad, either, at least that would be real. No, yes, that is better...
Real means genuine connection, with the actual person, not solely the idea of them.
Connection... I need it.. i can't this solitude...
Instead all I have is the trauma and exclusion of my childhood life here, reliving that day by day. No!!
I have re-ordered SN, from two different sources.
There is a specific plan in my mind...
A serene spot outside in nature, during the dark night, the time I feel most comfortable each day.
Drink the poison, peacefully.
Fade away, far, far away... Alone.
Found in my best outfit, serene, in front of my best scene.
My gift fully discarded, not just in an abstract manner, but finally, real.
And oh, what a gift this life truly was.
I realize that now. I concede it.
It was misery until the States, but from just those 3 years and 11 months out of *25* years, I received SO much.
My mind can not be changed - even if it means death, I am obsessed with the country that took me in. I can't do anywhere else, not unless for short, and a return is guaranteed.
It's my home! My true home!
I will honor it by at least attempting to end in a manner that celebrates the experience and its impact on my once solely miserable life.
I don't want to die, but I don't want to live in this false, emptied existence.
This existential horror needs to end.
Next week might be my last. Vent over.
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