H
hungry
New Member
- Apr 19, 2022
- 4
If I don't do it in the next week or so after I turn in the last of my assignments before finals, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to make myself go through with it, and then more responsibilities will come up.
I have wanted this for so long, and keep putting it off because I feel responsible for not abandoning my coding partner, for having to attend a wedding, etc. But if I miss the next window of opportunity, there will be more responsibilities holding me back.
I've organized financial matters, and I really wanted to do it last Sunday, but a friend came and knocked on my (dorm) door, which startled me. I keep telling myself I have to be disciplined and keep myself miserable enough for everything to go according to schedule, but it's really hard because just sometimes, my brain will be happy. But the vast majority of the time I wake up and it's business as usual, and I remember why the logical conclusion became suicide in the first place, especially since I can't expect anything to end if I don't do something about it myself.
How on earth do you steel your resolve??? I'm still also not the most confident in my method (2.7g amitriptyline + vodka, heavy backpack, tying myself up, and jumping into lake). If you were confident your method would work (eg firearm), would it make it easier?
Maybe for context:
Last October, I was right on the edge and ready to go but I couldn't bring myself to take the pills and just jump into the water (not very high). I need the water because while I have a lot of amitriptyline, I don't have any benzos or antiemetics, so I need drowning to finish it up. That attempt helped me realize I have a lot of fear, especially since I can fucking swim and I'm not confident SI wouldn't kick in. Plus, it's practically impossible to get a gun in NJ, and I don't want to have to travel because that'll introduce so many more new variables.
I have wanted this for so long, and keep putting it off because I feel responsible for not abandoning my coding partner, for having to attend a wedding, etc. But if I miss the next window of opportunity, there will be more responsibilities holding me back.
I've organized financial matters, and I really wanted to do it last Sunday, but a friend came and knocked on my (dorm) door, which startled me. I keep telling myself I have to be disciplined and keep myself miserable enough for everything to go according to schedule, but it's really hard because just sometimes, my brain will be happy. But the vast majority of the time I wake up and it's business as usual, and I remember why the logical conclusion became suicide in the first place, especially since I can't expect anything to end if I don't do something about it myself.
How on earth do you steel your resolve??? I'm still also not the most confident in my method (2.7g amitriptyline + vodka, heavy backpack, tying myself up, and jumping into lake). If you were confident your method would work (eg firearm), would it make it easier?
Maybe for context:
Last October, I was right on the edge and ready to go but I couldn't bring myself to take the pills and just jump into the water (not very high). I need the water because while I have a lot of amitriptyline, I don't have any benzos or antiemetics, so I need drowning to finish it up. That attempt helped me realize I have a lot of fear, especially since I can fucking swim and I'm not confident SI wouldn't kick in. Plus, it's practically impossible to get a gun in NJ, and I don't want to have to travel because that'll introduce so many more new variables.