Venting need to figure out how to live

[kaleido777]

recent events are really depressing me and ive got that baseline ideation running in the back of my head, but its not registering as a thing im actually going to do anymore. im starting to accept that im a cockroach and there arent any bombs you can drop on me that will kill me. i have no clue how to actually improve my life and feel alive, though.

i was in therapy for 8 years on and off (mostly on) and sometimes it felt like it really helped me, but my last therapist told me to stop going even though i told him stopping made me want to ctb even more and that just completely ruined me. i have a few friends irl but i know for a fact that theyre too caught up in their own lives to ever actually be there for me. my family doesnt care about me. i need to get out of this hole and figure out how to stay out without a decent support system.

my problems: unmedicated dysthymia, anxiety, adhd, and ptsd. i very heavily suspect autism and bpd as well, but ive never tried to get diagnosed because i know its harder to find actual help for managing those. ive never had a job even though i should be employed at my age, i dont have a drivers license or medical insurance, and im transgender in a state that has a lot of anti trans legislation. i stay in my room all the time because i live with someone who makes the rest of the house feel hostile. i dissociate constantly and all i do is find distractions to try not to think about ctb. i just dont feel strong enough to do anything on my own, but i have no choice because no one else is really in my corner.

my goals: get mens clothes that fit me, get a job, dont get fired, get my drivers license + hopefully medical insurance, move out of this godforsaken house so i can feel safe + think a little clearer, and save up to move to a trans friendly state + medically transition.

i just dont know how to go from "totally isolated and mentally broken hermit" to "functioning member of society that is okay with being alive"

 

[Hvergelmir]

You seem to have a good, clear and achievable goals.
I'd start by applying for jobs where you want to move. With a job secured, I'd then use whatever savings, help and loans I could scrape together to make it happen.
I think it's wise to mention that you're trans while applying for jobs, to avoid surprises leading to awkward situations. I would however keep it very brief. It shouldn't be an important factor for most jobs.

It'll no doubt be hard mentally, considering the overall situation, but I think your goals are worth the effort.
I'd try to stay hopeful, or just emotionally detached, putting my faith in the strategy.

With financial security, safety, and independence, you'll be in a much better position to deal with the remaining problems.