Venting Need to CTB now and not having a method at hand is breaking me

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Immediately after Christmas I got in an argument with my partner where he was lying about his feelings to me and screamed at me when I tried to go to his room and talk to him about it. He wanted to be alone but refused to tell me what the problem was.

I left him alone, worried, and then tried to text him an hour later. He came downstairs to get something but still refused to speak or look at me. I texted him again and told him I was sick with anxiety and just wanted to know if something was wrong, please talk to me.

Funny to think that all this caused an explosive argument where he called me an evil manipulative cunt, threatened to kick me out on the street, told me I was arrogant and need to humble myself, and a host of other things. He started to guilt trip me and tell me all the things he does for me because of my illness, the money he spends, and then said I am a lying hypocrite for telling him not to worry about me while simultaneously expecting him to care for me and do things when I'm physically unable to.

I broke down from all of this and said that it would be better off for him and the world if I could just ctb, which is how I honestly feel. He said it takes a disgusting evil cunt to say such a thing, have my views on ctb, and that it was insanely manipulative. I didn't want anything from him, or to make him think a certain way. I just wanted him to know that I agree with him that I am a burden and tell my honest feelings. I was told to grow up, start acting like an adult, and take personal responsibility, whatever that means.

After being told how horrible I was for hours and forced to apologise for things I did not do or were taken out of context, I went in another room, cried, and scratched my arms until they were swollen. When my bf saw me crying he just rolled his eyes and sighed before he said, "Come on. I have to go to bed."

I have literally no one in this world, and I need assistance from others to survive. My existence here relies on having a partner in the future for a partner visa because I am too disabled to work, and I always trusted that my partner loved me. I cannot live in my home country because even with multiple physical and mental illnesses and disabilities I could not get benefits and the agencies to help disabled people were trying to force me to work when I either get fired due to not being fast enough or getting sick too often, or couldn't do the job because the fatigue and pain got so bad everyday I'd nearly fall asleep at work. I also cannot get hired anywhere with decent pay anyways because I have not completed my degree.

I know now for sure there is nothing. I am a toy to be discarded and there is no way for me to live with autism, chronic fatigue syndrome, IBS, neuropathic pain, ptsd, and a couple other annoying conditions. Every morning I wake up sick and dizzy, can't even eat because the pain is so bad, and have to lie in bed for over an hour after I've already slept usually 10 or so hours because I'm so disoriented and exhausted.

Fuck living in such a cruel world. I would ctb right this second if I had the means to. Just having to bide time until I can find somewhere to get the SN delivered to.

Also have uni exams in less than 2 weeks and sure as hell can't revise for those in such a state. Life really is the gift that keeps on giving...

 

[demuic]

I'm so sorry you're through this. You don't deserve any of this.

I really cannot fathom what brings people to kick others while they are down. I really have no words for how much disgust I have for the human race.

I hope you can find peace and freedom from pain and cruelty.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm so sorry you're through this. You don't deserve any of this.

I really cannot fathom what brings people to kick others while they are down. I really have no words for how much disgust I have for the human race.

I hope you can find peace and freedom from pain and cruelty.

I think it is selfishness. We are all selfish even me, in wanting someone to help me through life because I am ill. The problem is dealing with people who are honestly myopic about suffering. My boyfriend cares more about preventing the feeling of discomfort that comes from talking about his feelings for a minute, than preventing me from suffering worse from my illness.

 

[Meditation guide]

My boyfriend cares more about preventing the feeling of discomfort that comes from talking about his feelings for a minute,

The way he talks to you is so abusive he had no problem doing that. It sounds from how hateful he talks to you maybe he would provide some way for you.

I am so glad I have the luxury of not having anyone like him in my life when I read that. I hope you can find some way to escape from that cruelty.

 

[Noriv159]

I understand. My grandmother treats people the same way. I'm always downplayed and convinced that my mental illness is nothing serious and I should try to be like everyone else, and my suicide ideations shouldn't be taken seriously either; that such a thing is only for the cowardice. She intimidates and makes me feel horrible. We don't deserve the disrespect we get from people.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I understand.

You have health problems that affect your ability to work and feel content, some of which I'm sure can't even be described in a language that could make sense, other than "overwhelming discomfort and pain".

It's difficult convincing others the extent of your pain and frustrating because you'd like to contribute to the extent you can. You'd like to have a "normal" life but so much limits you.

The final straw is the responsibility. So much responsibility.

Were you in a hospital bed, with no financial worries, no expectations, being taken care of, life would be much more bearable, right?

You could pass your days (uncomfortable as they were) with some tolerance and maybe even occasional joy. Netflix can be a good distraction when you really get into a story.

But the world beckons and it calls on us, the broken. Over and over again, almost without mercy.