Help need support

[Fadinglife]

i am just exhausted. i feel like i can't go on anymore. i am numb while writing this, but i have had the episode of emotional turmoil just before that, it goes this way, anxiety, panic, turmoil, numbness to catatonic, Talking to someone who gets me and cares about me gives me temporary relief, that sort of thing i have had in my relationship, now i feel so alone and lonely in my suffering that no one there for me when i need, i crash and collapse, but even that is dangerous for me to go on this because of environment and the possibility of being locked and cut off from my only support, abuse etc, so i have to put a mask, i am in so much pain that i am dying inside, i doubt i'd be able to make it even a year this way, i don't even have privacy or tools for exit, it just makes me more deperate when i am on edge, so think of rat poision, benzos or possible hanging, if if get privacy for a while, even hanging is not that accessible given my circumstances, i'd fail though methods and end up in a worse condition, i don't want that, my freedom would me more restricted and all hopes would be shattered, I'd forced by family and it would increase the trauma, along with cut off from internet, i'd lose myself, i still have some dreams and an inkling of hope to hold on but i am falling apart and no one cares, a friend does but he himself struggles a lot, i can't express all this to him as he worries about me and i don't wanna lose him, i am crashing and can barely hold it together. Existence is torture. i want to sleep for days yet the environment around me makes me hypervigilant and disrupts sleep. people passing by my room, throwing abuses, yelling, then there socio-cultural and religious triggers which are main cause behind my illness the pain because of them is so much that i am not in a state even talk about it. As is retraumatizes me.

All i want the most these days is someone i can trust, feel understood, cared, accepted. who gets me, by a close friend or partner to hug me and hold me, i wanna cry and feel safe and i know i'd fall asleep after crying or sobbing. that comfort. it is healing and life-saving for me and i can't even get that. I can't remember the last time i have slept well or felt peace. i need that. I wanna feel the warmth and compassion, i have never had it in real life and used to feel that online in a relationship, that is gone too.

i don't even have the strength to go through what i have written and edit if there are mistakes. Sorry.
i just wanna be heard, understood and vent.

 

[pandora]

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. Your pain is evident in your post. I don't have any earth-shattering advice or suggestions....I just want you to know that you are heard and cared for.

 

[Fadinglife]

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. Your pain is evident in your post. I don't have any earth-shattering advice or suggestions....I just want you to know that you are heard and cared for.

That's very understanding and kind of you. It brought tears in my eyes

 

[Bärchen]

I would love to help you, but the distance is just to big

 

[AlmostFinished]

Well, you're in a good place to be heard and understood. There are very human people here even though they are going through their own private hell, they help you. Is there anything more human?

I send you a hug.

 

[jgm63]

Fadinglife : If you want to talk, you can PM me anytime.

Also, I recommend listening to some talks by Barry Long ( spiritual teacher ).
eg you could try this one :

but there are many others....

 

[MeltingHeart]

What environment are you in if you can say/ don't mind me asking?

 

[Jean4]

Sending you love and a hug. Know you are always here for you and we understand and feel your pain.