Help need help right now

[fieryending]

I just went shopping at Walmart with an extended family member who was being nice and buying me and my brothers some christmas stuff that we needed. I asked her if it was okay for me to walk off on my own, and she told me that she knows I'm 18 but she's heard stories about me and she wants me to stay in her sight. I told her that makes me feel like a child, and she reacted negatively. I felt bad the rest of the time we were there, I wanted to get the cheapest stuff possible because I don't deserve to spend her money. Halfway through the shopping trip I realized I was being negative and cynical with a bad attitude and I started trying to change it. I even apologized to her twice and she didn't seem to hear me out. I felt bad the entire time and I wish my attitude was better, but I couldn't fix it much. I had a small argument with one of my brothers who demanded to put everything in the back of the car himself and ordered me to sit in the car, that didn't help. When we got home I sat in the bathroom for 10 minutes and cried and then went up to my room to cry more. I started thinking a bunch of bad thoughts about myself and then tried to write them down and then write an alternative thought, but it didn't help.

Right now I don't want to go to sleep and waste the day, I want to stay awake and do things still, but I can't stop crying and I have no energy from staying up all night, any tips for that?

I am not a Christian, or even religious, or even go to church, but I am going to try and go to a church at 4 today because I like the ethereal atmosphere and the love people show for God. I wish I felt loved.

I had a really bad thought too, I can kill myself tonight by stealing a drill from the garage, eating over 100 gabapentin pills with pepto bismol, and running away at night tonight to find a place in the woods to swallow all the pills and the pepto, and then drill a hole through to my carotid artery, and then maybe my hand arterys. I am good at keeping down things I might puke up and if I am caught with the drill, the pills will still kill me. I want to do this tonight. I am tired of being treated like less than a person.

I deserve respect and trust, but my action show that I don't I guess. I am not good enough for either of those things. I want to die really bad. I need some dxm but someone in my family stole my Dollar Tree gift card and I have to wait until after christmas to call them and tell them it never arrived. dxm made me want to live, but it was temporary. Tonight might be the night guys. I will make a goodbye post. please help me.

 

[Sensei]

You should not kill yourself over what another person has done to you, because you are probably a better person than they are. You should not use that method either, because it will most probably be agonisingly painful and take a long time for you to die. I suggest you try to get a good night's sleep and think this through thoroughly. You should not make such an important decision when you're in an emotional state. Right now, you need to forget about other people and take care of yourself. Try to be patient with their flaws and don't let their bevahiour get to you.

 

[Jean4]

You should not kill yourself over what another person has done to you, because you are probably a better person than they are. You should not use that method either, because it will most probably be agonisingly painful and take a long time for you to die. I suggest you try to get a good night's sleep and think this through thoroughly. You should not make such an important decision when you're in an emotional state. Right now, you need to forget about other people and take care of yourself. Try to be patient with their flaws and don't let their bevahiour get to you.

Yup!
If you need to vent, talk to us.

 

[fieryending]

this isn't about what another person said to me, I think it just triggered my depression related to other things. I can deal with the pain. I will drill fast and pull it out and drill the other side. If i'm still able to, I'll drill my wrist arteries. I want to die intensley. I have no hope. every time I make progress it gets fucked up . I'm done trying. I knew I wouldn't make it past 18 since I was a young child. I'm just not enough. As a person. I am not even respectable. I am not even a person in everyone's eyes. I don't even have a diagnosed disability but my guardian talks a lot of shit and now my reputation is unfixable with anyone.
The people in this house wont even trust me enough to give MY FUCKING DOLLAR TREE GIFT CARD. IWANTED FUCKING SNACKS.
they wont give me my mail i pay for, I confronted them about it and avoided a physical fight with the 53 year old "sick dad", i feel like theres always one in dysfunctional families. I want my gift card. If I don't get it I will order a case of 24(for $24 dollars) to the store, go to the store and pick it up, and while I'm out I will empty every bottle into a bag I will bring into the house. I DON"T GIVE A MOTHER FUCK. I wanted to buy at least 4 with a gift card but I guess I get to go to plateau sigma. I also bought morning glory seeds in the mail and they opened my mail (im 18 its a felony, but i wont report it) and dumped it out. I only found out cuz I found the package in the mail. I fucking hate this. Kill me please,

 

[fieryending]

i feel a bit better now
I just feel tired but I need to stay awake. Tips? dont wanna "depression sleep"

 

[Sensei]

Take a long walk. If it 's cold an dark, the better. Works for me sometimes.

 

[Jean4]

Deep breaths, and put on a movie.

 

[Return2Dust]

Holidays are stressful for families. Maybe ask how you can help around the house. Are there chores to be done. Does your family like to play cards or board games? As the family member sees you soften, she will soften too.

 

[fieryending]

Holidays are stressful for families. Maybe ask how you can help around the house. Are there chores to be done. Does your family like to play cards or board games? As the family member sees you soften, she will soften too.

she is only visiting