Help Need help making some decisions please

[catfletcher]

Hello. I'm new here and am after some advice.
2 weeks ago, after months of getting more and more unwell and during yet another argument, I told my husband how suicidal I was feeling, then walked out. I got picked up a few hours later by the police and taken to a safe room by ambulance under a UK section 136, but was allowed home after an assessment. I'd never been on any kind of section before and the whole thing was degrading and humiliating.
Since then, the support that I was already being given has been increased somewhat. I have seen the home treatment team most days and they ring me all the time.
When I saw them on Tuesday, they mentioned an admission to hospital and said they think I have psychosis. Yesterday, I only stayed 15 minutes and then asked to leave (because I felt trapped and scared). I want to accept their help, but I am scared that they will section me if I am honest with them and I don't see the point in engaging with them at all if I feel the need to lie to them. Since the appointment, they have rung me on my mobile 8 times (I've kept it on silent and ignored it) and left 3 messages asking me to call them back. They also rang my landline (no one else has the number, so I assume it was them), so I have unplugged it. Finally, they rang my husband's mobile (I recognised the number), but he wasn't in the room at the time, so I blocked their number on it.

Tomorrow morning, I am supposed to be meeting with a psychiatric nurse and a psychiatrist to discuss ongoing care. This was booked in a week ago and now I do not want to go. But... if I don't turn up or ring to cancel, I'm terrified that I will make things worse. I know that they want to help me, but I also know that they are very keen for me to take sertraline and I absolutely don't want to.

Some relevant facts.. I am apparently 30 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. I say "apparently" because I am struggling to accept this and am convinced the baby is already dead or will soon die. I know that I am unwell mainly due to pregnancy hormones and I want to be well for my other children (I have a 3 year old son and an 18 month old daughter), but I cannot bear that an admission would separate me from them. I'm not happy to take any medication, as I've had bad experiences in the past.

Most of the time, my children are a protective factor for me, but I am prone to acting impulsively and I also hit massive downers fairly regularly when I make a plans and have bought things to use.
I do want help. I don't want to be admitted. I don't want medication. The one person who used to keep me ticking over (a specialist midwife I built a very good relationship with) has left.

Should I go to the appointment tomorrow (the 2 people I'd be seeing are from the perinatal mental health team)? Should I accept a prescription (I don't have to take the pills)? Should I be honest about how I am feeling? What would you do?

 

[Defcon5]

Oh honey I am so sorry you are experiencing all of this. I imagine you are terrified and feeling more vulnerable than ever.

I really believe you should give it a shot and see what they have to say. Meeting them is going to give you a good idea of whether or not you're comfortable sharing how you feel or if you should seek help elsewhere.

I too have young children at home (both boys) and I know how they are the source of nothing short of every reason for me to fight and not CTB.
I also know how hormones in pregnancy and after can truly change everything we feel and the magnitude in which we feel them. Please remember that as you assess everything you are feeling right now.

I wish I could go with you and hold your hand through this. I encourage you to attend the appointment though and at least hear what options they have to offer. Perhaps staying in the hospital to be stabilized (even if it's for your unborn baby's best interest alone) is worth the try. In the end if it sets you on a path of recovery as opposed to continuing to decline, it will benefit your older children as well.

I employ you to try to see the long term benefit of what you may need to do for the short term. You know yourself best and your family best, so hold on honey... you are doing a great job already just asking what you have!

 

[catfletcher]

Oh honey I am so sorry you are experiencing all of this. I imagine you are terrified and feeling more vulnerable than ever.

I really believe you should give it a shot and see what they have to say. Meeting them is going to give you a good idea of whether or not you're comfortable sharing how you feel or if you should seek help elsewhere.

I too have young children at home (both boys) and I know how they are the source of nothing short of every reason for me to fight and not CTB.
I also know how hormones in pregnancy and after can truly change everything we feel and the magnitude in which we feel them. Please remember that as you assess everything you are feeling right now.

I wish I could go with you and hold your hand through this. I encourage you to attend the appointment though and at least hear what options they have to offer. Perhaps staying in the hospital to be stabilized (even if it's for your unborn baby's best interest alone) is worth the try. In the end if it sets you on a path of recovery as opposed to continuing to decline, it will benefit your older children as well.

I employ you to try to see the long term benefit of what you may need to do for the short term. You know yourself best and your family best, so hold on honey... you are doing a great job already just asking what you have!

Thank you so much for replying. I think you have cemented what I already knew, but was struggling to accept - I don't really have anything to lose by going tomorrow and they may be able to help. Also thank you for reminding me that any help they give me will also be a benefit to my 2 little munchkins.
I just wish I wasn't so terrified. I hope I am able to drive there without backing out. It doesn't help that it's at the maternity unit and will be the first time I've been back there since my amazing midwife Jess left.

 

[Defcon5]

I imagine its so very scary for you to do anything right now and that fear tunnels your vision so quickly it's almost impossible to face.
You are on the right path though and doing what you can to improve yourself for your sweet babies.
Keep your focus on them and how worth it they are for you to be courageous and see the doctors. Is there a friend who can go with you or maybe your husband can?

 

[exhausted]

Yes, I echo what this lovely lady above me has said. If I was in your situation, I would ask for help but explain again how I feel about the meds. I would probably go in to be looked after for a little bit. I would take the meds if I could be convinced, especially for my children. They have you and baby's interests at heart, also the munchkins. Imagine if the meds worked and helped you?

I am sure Jess is with you in spirit when you go back there! I know how scary anxiety can make things, but remember that anxiety builds something up as terrifying but once you push through it, so often the fear melts away. You sound shaken up from the 136, but remember you were suicidal and out and about by yourself when that happened, it's a very different situation now. They allowed you to go home too, they didn't keep you in, so they don't think you are an imminent risk to yourself and others, do they? 2 perinatal nurses is a very different scenario too. It's a good idea to discuss ongoing care, you will come across as engaged and proactive. Everybody has a day when it all gets too much, that's what happened to you, but you can go onwards and upwards from here.

It's such a common thing to hold back on telling people things out of fear, so many people do that. Also, I am SO prone to ignoring calls when I feel overwhelmed. It got to the point my GP thought my phone had a problem with it! I think it's time to let people in, give them a chance. It's hard to trust, I know, but they want to help, I promise. They will have heard it all before, pregnancy is a tricky time.

 

[catfletcher]

Yes, I echo what this lovely lady above me has said. If I was in your situation, I would ask for help but explain again how I feel about the meds. I would probably go in to be looked after for a little bit. I would take the meds if I could be convinced, especially for my children. They have you and baby's interests at heart, also the munchkins. Imagine if the meds worked and helped you?

I am sure Jess is with you in spirit when you go back there! I know how scary anxiety can make things, but remember that anxiety builds something up as terrifying but once you push through it, so often the fear melts away. You sound shaken up from the 136, but remember you were suicidal and out and about by yourself when that happened, it's a very different situation now. They allowed you to go home too, they didn't keep you in, so they don't think you are an imminent risk to yourself and others, do they? 2 perinatal nurses is a very different scenario too. It's a good idea to discuss ongoing care, you will come across as engaged and proactive. Everybody has a day when it all gets too much, that's what happened to you, but you can go onwards and upwards from here.

It's such a common thing to hold back on telling people things out of fear, so many people do that. Also, I am SO prone to ignoring calls when I feel overwhelmed. It got to the point my GP thought my phone had a problem with it! I think it's time to let people in, give them a chance. It's hard to trust, I know, but they want to help, I promise. They will have heard it all before, pregnancy is a tricky time.

Thank you so much both of you for such thoughtful replies!
It's so reassuring to hear that other people understand the things I am going through and can see beyond this time for me when I cannot.
I'll go tomorrow and I'll try really hard to be honest with them.

 

[exhausted]

Let us know how it goes

 

[catfletcher]

Well, I went to it. There were 3 others there: a psychiatrist who barely spoke, D (my care coordinator) (both from the perinatal team) and my community midwife, H.
It was a fairly pointless appointment. All that has come of it is that I will meet with D once a week from now on. Not sure why I needed to go to the women's hospital to organise that. Lots of long silences, I tried to open up but I was a bit guarded, no real suggestions. I still feel unpregnant and horribly disconnected from the baby. It's like I'm a surrogate.
D said she thinks I'm depressed. Probably a bit, but more just numb right now. I didn't cry, didn't feel upset. I felt cocooned and in a bubble.
Supposed to be going back next Thursday for a growth scan and consultant appointment (due to my age and what happened to my first born), but I'm planning to cancel. I hate growth scans and I'm unable to talk to anyone so really don't see the point in yet another appointment.
D will be coming to my house every Wednesday at 10am starting next week, unless occupational health say I can go back to work (I have an assessment on Monday - have been off work for 6 weeks - I'm a secondary school teacher). Jess used to come over weekly too and I wish so much it was still her. D seems really nice, but she doesn't know me like Jess did. I miss Jess so much.

Honestly, my thoughts have been on CTB again today. It is always there, in the back of my head: "if things get worse, I can always CTB", but some days it's louder than others. They asked me if I have thoughts of harming myself... it's like a stock question and I always give the same stock answer: "you can have thoughts without acting on them". Usually seems to satisfy them.

 

[Soul]

@catfletcher, I want to wrap my coat around you. Brava for going to the meeting, and although it was a bit useless at least nothing intimidating happened, right?

I don't know what a growth scan is, but if it can clarify what's going on with your pregnancy I really hope you can go through with it — it just sounds very distressing to feel it's not viable while everyone else assumes it is.

Is there any way you can get in touch with Jess? I understand she can't be your midwife now but friendly casual contact with her might be a comfort.

(((Hugs))) — but I wish I could offer you more. x

 

[exhausted]

Well done for going! I am glad D seems nice, she doesn't know you as well as Jess did yet, but at least she is nice. Do you think the growth scan would make you feel more connected if it showed everything was fine? It must be an overwhelming idea to feel the pregnancy isn't viable, yet have to go to a growth scan, so it's understandable if it seems off-putting.

Yeah, I keep CTB thoughts on the backburner to get me through, it's the comforting escapism of it. And that "thoughts but not acting on it" line has been used by me many a time, it usually shuts the question down. The cocoon/bubble thing sounds like dissociation by the way. Sometimes I feel like that when I am very triggered.

Well done for going, you did it! Let's hope the Wednesday appointments are good and you can find out from Occupational Health what they think about going back. I have been signed off for quite a while myself.

 

[catfletcher]

I'm really really struggling this evening. My anxiety is through the roof and it's hard to explain why.
I even rang the HTT just now, but hung up when they answered. I feel like my brain is on fire. I keep thinking I'm causing everything. It's all my fault and I'm messing things up so badly.My poor children are suffering because I'm such a terrible person. Everyone would be so much better off without me. But then I also know that isn't true. My death would traumatise people and would not be good for anyone. I don't know what to do with myself and I'm climbing the walls.

 

[Jean4]

I am sorry you are going through this. You are not a terrible person first off.

Is there anything that happened to trigger this mind frame?

 

[catfletcher]

I am sorry you are going through this. You are not a terrible person first off.

Is there anything that happened to trigger this mind frame?

Thank you for replying and for saying I'm not a terrible person. I wish that were true, but I have hurt so many people recently by my actions and I know I am selfish and thoughtless.
I don't know exactly what triggered it. Maybe a combination of the appointment earlier and some news that a colleague is leaving, moving on. My immediate (and probably completely wrong) assumption is that she is going because of me and the extra work I have caused for her by my absence. Also, I had a sudden lucid moment that I am pregnant and this poor little thing does not deserve to be born to a mother that is so selfish and undeserving. I desperately want to connect with it and provide it with the love that I was able to give my other 2, but my perception is so warped that I am struggling to even acknowledge its existence most of the time.

 

[noaccount]

People who are actually offering help don't degrade and humiliate others.

 

[catfletcher]

People who are actually offering help don't degrade and humiliate others.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Edit I reread my first post and see you are referring to my section 136 experience. I didn't say that the staff degraded or humiliated me - just that this is how I felt, probably because I didn't know what was happening and was scared. No one talked to me for 90 minutes and I needed to use the loo, but was afraid to ask. I felt like I was being tested. I am a very private person and found being in a locked room with a camera on me for 90 minutes very humiliating. The whole experience was unpleasant and not something I ever want to go through again.

 

[catfletcher]

I just rang the HTT and they helped calm me down. I've been awake since 3.30am and I was getting more and more uptight, with racing thoughts and anxiety. It was nice to talk to someone, it broke the chaos in my head for 10 minutes. Going to have a cup of tea and play Candy Crush for a bit now... got about 1.5 hours until the kids wake up.

 

[exhausted]

People who are actually offering help don't degrade and humiliate others.

Yes, because no mental health professional, doctor, police officer or social worker has ever been on a power trip or had prejudices or their own issues which they put on others. It's not like jobs which have access to vulnerable people can attract the wrong sort, is it? Or that medical procedures or assessments can feel frightening or invasive and cause anxiety? This lady felt humiliated and degraded, maybe not the intent of those involved, but that's how she felt. Have you ever been with someone experiencing an impromptu mental health evaluation in the UK? Because I have and I could quite well see how scary it was.

I don't know if you meant something else by your comment, but if you just dropped by to show judgement on someone struggling, that's not very nice.

 

[catfletcher]

I just wanted to pop back in here to say that I had my baby - a little girl - 7 weeks ago. My mental health really improves once I'd given birth, even though there were some extra factors going against me (COVID and breech baby). Thank you for the support you offered me back when I was really struggling. I'm sorry to see Jean is now crossed out. I hope people are ok.

 

[K-O]

I just wanted to pop back in here to say that I had my baby - a little girl - 7 weeks ago. My mental health really improves once I'd given birth, even though there were some extra factors going against me (COVID and breech baby). Thank you for the support you offered me back when I was really struggling. I'm sorry to see Jean is now crossed out. I hope people are ok.

MAZAL-TOV MAMA!
may she be healthy! absorb and project much needed and deserved love!
X

 

[noaccount]

Yes, because no mental health professional, doctor, police officer or social worker has ever been on a power trip or had prejudices or their own issues which they put on others. It's not like jobs which have access to vulnerable people can attract the wrong sort, is it? Or that medical procedures or assessments can feel frightening or invasive and cause anxiety? This lady felt humiliated and degraded, maybe not the intent of those involved, but that's how she felt. Have you ever been with someone experiencing an impromptu mental health evaluation in the UK? Because I have and I could quite well see how scary it was.

I don't know if you meant something else by your comment, but if you just dropped by to show judgement on someone struggling, that's not very nice.

What are you talking about.
There are many things that can be done to a person against their will.
Offering help is not one of them.

I don't know why people are so into surgically removing their reading comprehension before talking to me.