I have tried almost every method of CTB but nothing has worked.
Hell, at one point I got so desperate and attempted suicide by cop. Not even attempted, I went through with it and got shot multiple times.
BUT--like fucking always my body and modern medicine work against me.
No idea why I'm making the foolish decision to mention the above. It is very difficult to speak about due to how public it all was. But at the same time. I have yet to see anyone who has been through that incredibly specific experience, and maybe share some POV as someone who went through with it. (Prefacing this with the fact I DO NOT condone this act. Also fuck journos for sensationalizing that whole incident and harassing my family the same day it happened.)
I am diagnosed Autistic/ADHD and CPTSD. I'm know I must have a multitude of other things wrong. I've never trusted a therapist enough to ever fully come clean about my full life events as even talking partially gets a report/hospitalization of some sort going, instead of you know.. actually caring to process it. Not that I would ever waste my time with that nonsense as I have been through every little treatment you can imagine. (When I was younger I put actual effort into the treatments.)
I'm in my late 20s and definitely don't want to be around for 30 to see my life degrade and become more pathetic due to the above mentioned illnesses making my life hell. Because my 'life' isn't a life. All I do is work and sleep due to being unable to have energy for ANYTHING else. Even on days off I spend it all in bed because I feel unwell/cannot sleep most of the time. I'm genuinely useless as my weak brain just seemingly cannot handle anything more than just work. I deal with GI issues due to the above mentioned attempt and other weird health issues that I don't have nor the time or patience to explore. I'm very scarred on my body due to my attempt. Thankfully I can hide it for the most part, but even then. I get reminded of my greatest failure to be out of all this. Very condensed. But again, tired of this shit.
My ideation has intensified these past months. Despite my SI being virtually nonexistent. I still struggle to settle on a new method because if I fail. It's over. I'll get thrown in a loony bin for the rest of my conceivable days. (And I do desire to at least have SOMETHING presentable. But it's not truly a priority because I just want to be done with it.)
So far I'm contemplating
- Driving off a beach cliffside at full speed (150ft drop with aggressive currents)
- Getting blackout drunk and zip tying my neck once I'm semi drowsy. (In a private hotel room obviously, may play music/movies to hide any sounds of thrashing/vomit)
- SN (Although I'm genuinely clueless and have trouble figuring out how to obtain it without getting scammed + the actual threads confuse me as I see a lot of conflicting info)
- OD (Specifically on a mix of Gabapentin and lorezapam as a previous attempt with Gabapentin alone essentially succeeded with me falling comatose. The only reason I survived was because I was a foolish kid and was found early. Although again..unsure of how I would go about obtaining these as I'm generally clueless as to how without a prescription/the hassle of going to a doc)
Hanging is another that appeals to me but I always seem to have trouble figuring out placements for knot despite feeling my carotid. I'm not even on the larger side and can feel it quite easily. Not sure what I'm doing wrong there, but if I could get linked more extensive/cohesive resources pertaining to this method PLEASE do link them in replies because if I manage to figure this one out this will be the way I go.
Apologies if this post is nonsensical. My ADHD is severe. It is getting worse as I age and it's getting harder and harder to piece my thoughts in a cohesive manner.
Basically: Giving rare POV (So feel free to ask about the attempt if you so wish), seeking advice/extensive discussion on CTB methods as I'm too disorganized to pick anything cohesive or effective.
Hell, at one point I got so desperate and attempted suicide by cop. Not even attempted, I went through with it and got shot multiple times.
BUT--like fucking always my body and modern medicine work against me.
No idea why I'm making the foolish decision to mention the above. It is very difficult to speak about due to how public it all was. But at the same time. I have yet to see anyone who has been through that incredibly specific experience, and maybe share some POV as someone who went through with it. (Prefacing this with the fact I DO NOT condone this act. Also fuck journos for sensationalizing that whole incident and harassing my family the same day it happened.)
I am diagnosed Autistic/ADHD and CPTSD. I'm know I must have a multitude of other things wrong. I've never trusted a therapist enough to ever fully come clean about my full life events as even talking partially gets a report/hospitalization of some sort going, instead of you know.. actually caring to process it. Not that I would ever waste my time with that nonsense as I have been through every little treatment you can imagine. (When I was younger I put actual effort into the treatments.)
I'm in my late 20s and definitely don't want to be around for 30 to see my life degrade and become more pathetic due to the above mentioned illnesses making my life hell. Because my 'life' isn't a life. All I do is work and sleep due to being unable to have energy for ANYTHING else. Even on days off I spend it all in bed because I feel unwell/cannot sleep most of the time. I'm genuinely useless as my weak brain just seemingly cannot handle anything more than just work. I deal with GI issues due to the above mentioned attempt and other weird health issues that I don't have nor the time or patience to explore. I'm very scarred on my body due to my attempt. Thankfully I can hide it for the most part, but even then. I get reminded of my greatest failure to be out of all this. Very condensed. But again, tired of this shit.
My ideation has intensified these past months. Despite my SI being virtually nonexistent. I still struggle to settle on a new method because if I fail. It's over. I'll get thrown in a loony bin for the rest of my conceivable days. (And I do desire to at least have SOMETHING presentable. But it's not truly a priority because I just want to be done with it.)
So far I'm contemplating
- Driving off a beach cliffside at full speed (150ft drop with aggressive currents)
- Getting blackout drunk and zip tying my neck once I'm semi drowsy. (In a private hotel room obviously, may play music/movies to hide any sounds of thrashing/vomit)
- SN (Although I'm genuinely clueless and have trouble figuring out how to obtain it without getting scammed + the actual threads confuse me as I see a lot of conflicting info)
- OD (Specifically on a mix of Gabapentin and lorezapam as a previous attempt with Gabapentin alone essentially succeeded with me falling comatose. The only reason I survived was because I was a foolish kid and was found early. Although again..unsure of how I would go about obtaining these as I'm generally clueless as to how without a prescription/the hassle of going to a doc)
Hanging is another that appeals to me but I always seem to have trouble figuring out placements for knot despite feeling my carotid. I'm not even on the larger side and can feel it quite easily. Not sure what I'm doing wrong there, but if I could get linked more extensive/cohesive resources pertaining to this method PLEASE do link them in replies because if I manage to figure this one out this will be the way I go.
Apologies if this post is nonsensical. My ADHD is severe. It is getting worse as I age and it's getting harder and harder to piece my thoughts in a cohesive manner.
Basically: Giving rare POV (So feel free to ask about the attempt if you so wish), seeking advice/extensive discussion on CTB methods as I'm too disorganized to pick anything cohesive or effective.
