immolation
mensajera de la santa muerte
- Oct 31, 2025
- 17
The only time i ever feel good is when something is preventing me from thinking right. I noticed the pattern recently. The only times ive felt recovered from depression were when i was so busy i didnt have a minute with my own thoughts. As soon as my life calms down, and im alone for more than a few minutes, im immediately flooded with the same fear and suicidal misery again.
Ever since i noticed it ive been doing whatever i can to get brain fog. i know this can't be good, but i refuse to let myself ctb for another few months and it feels like the only way to get through it.
I've been staying up for days at a time, i relapsed into my eating disorder, and i relapsed into substance abuse, and there's so many similar behaviors i could name. On christmas I was off 2 days no sleep, 26hrs no food, a weed gummy, a whiskey shooter, and my antidepressant + anxiolytic. And it was the best I've ever felt. I told everyone I felt like a "mouse with sprite poured into its skull". But as soon as I woke up the next day i went straight back to wanting to die.
I hate that I have to live like this. My life isn't even awful enough right now to warrant any of this. My psychiatrist thinks I have bipolar disorder and that probably has something to do with this, but does it really matter anyway? I feel like my own brain is sabotaging me. I feel like the only way I'll ever be really happy is by ripping it out of my skull. Life doesn't feel worth living anymore, and I think I'll finally ctb on the date I picked. I just want to stop thinking forever. I just want to be done.
Ever since i noticed it ive been doing whatever i can to get brain fog. i know this can't be good, but i refuse to let myself ctb for another few months and it feels like the only way to get through it.
I've been staying up for days at a time, i relapsed into my eating disorder, and i relapsed into substance abuse, and there's so many similar behaviors i could name. On christmas I was off 2 days no sleep, 26hrs no food, a weed gummy, a whiskey shooter, and my antidepressant + anxiolytic. And it was the best I've ever felt. I told everyone I felt like a "mouse with sprite poured into its skull". But as soon as I woke up the next day i went straight back to wanting to die.
I hate that I have to live like this. My life isn't even awful enough right now to warrant any of this. My psychiatrist thinks I have bipolar disorder and that probably has something to do with this, but does it really matter anyway? I feel like my own brain is sabotaging me. I feel like the only way I'll ever be really happy is by ripping it out of my skull. Life doesn't feel worth living anymore, and I think I'll finally ctb on the date I picked. I just want to stop thinking forever. I just want to be done.
