Discussion Need advice

[EmbarrassedPotato]

I don't know, I don't know how to not be available for someone. I just know how to give what I can never have. I know no one will always be available for me when I absolutely need them to be, even if they say they will. Giving is the only way I know how to live. It's not love, it's a disguise.

 

[violetforever]

what are u giving? are u running back to someone u shouldn't be?

 

[EmbarrassedPotato]

what are u giving? are u running back to someone u shouldn't be?

It's like I am always available for any person in my life, to the point they take me for granted, some people made me realise that. Life take my bsf for example, the day he finds a girl we won't talk as much as we do now, we won't hang out as much as we do now, yea we will still have a bond but when I absolutely need to talk to him he will be with someone else most likely and won't be able to answer. I don't like this feeling, it's very heavy, where do I keep it?
It's not his fault he will have to give time to the one who enters his life

 

[Deepdense]

Just remember you're more than what you can offer.

 

[EmbarrassedPotato]

Just remember you're more than what you can offer.

Even if that's the case, then how do I make people in my life realise that?

 

[TearStainedSunsets]

I don't know, I don't know how to not be available for someone. I just know how to give what I can never have. I know no one will always be available for me when I absolutely need them to be, even if they say they will. Giving is the only way I know how to live. It's not love, it's a disguise.

This is a tough thing to be going thru. I get it. I learned that healthy relationships dont have a step by step process or a list of ways to do a,b and c. It's all personalized. It depends on what kind of person you're trying to be available for. I'm poly and two of my partners are polar opposites. To be available for my partner H (not related to their real name), I give her healthy distance and give spaced apart check ins, for K (unrelated to their real name), I remind him that I'm here. I text him every morning and evening and go more out of my way to be present.

All of that comes with prior conversation. Sometimes you have to ask the "stupid questions". One that really helps me in relationships is, "What do you see as the ideal kind of support when youre feeling 'x emotion' and how can I implement that into our dynamic?"

It feels textbook-ey at first but I've found that these kinds of questions really do help. Especially if youre the kind of person who gets overwhelmed easily, like myself, and has trouble with their own emotions and being available for themself.

Hope this helps.

 

[violetforever]

It's like I am always available for any person in my life, to the point they take me for granted, some people made me realise that. Life take my bsf for example, the day he finds a girl we won't talk as much as we do now, we won't hang out as much as we do now, yea we will still have a bond but when I absolutely need to talk to him he will be with someone else most likely and won't be able to answer. I don't like this feeling, it's very heavy, where do I keep it?
It's not his fault he will have to give time to the one who enters his life

oh i see what ur talking about. i feel the same way about friends getting into relationships. i had a friend who got a gf and completely ghosted me and my other friend (we're both girls) and only came back to talk to us after him and his gf broke up i also wish i understood why friendships suddenly become undervalued when romantic love is present.

i don't have much advice because i've kind of accepted that the bonds i have with people are susceptible to change, as are most things in life. i shy away from people because of the inevitable (or lack of anything lol). all i can say is letting people take u for granted is preventing u from enjoying how ur friendship is now because ur worried about how it could be in the future. if this is the outcome of being overly available to people in hopes of them doing the same for u then it's not worth it.

 

[TearStainedSunsets]

oh i see what ur talking about. i feel the same way about friends getting into relationships. i had a friend who got a gf and completely ghosted me and my other friend (we're both girls) and only came back to talk to us after him and his gf broke up i also wish i understood why friendships suddenly become undervalued when romantic love is present.

i don't have much advice because i've kind of accepted that the bonds i have with people are susceptible to change, as are most things in life. i shy away from people because of the inevitable (or lack of anything lol). all i can say is letting people take u for granted is preventing u from enjoying how ur friendship is now because ur worried about how it could be in the future. if this is the outcome of being overly available to people in hopes of them doing the same for u then it's not worth it.

Thats fair. I sometimes wonder the same thing. I have literally 4 partners and still talk to all my friends, have time for them and they dont feel undervalued. I think it differs from person to person and for some its just hard to tackle friends, lovers and family at the same time? idfk.

Regardless, I'm sorry you had to go thru that, shit like that sucks fr.

 

[violetforever]

Regardless, I'm sorry you had to go thru that, shit like that sucks fr

thank u u just seem like a kind and social person. maybe a lot of people are just not taught how to balance relationships like that.

 

[TearStainedSunsets]

thank u u just seem like a kind and social person. maybe a lot of people are just not taught how to balance relationships like that.

Thank you, i try lol. And yeah, ur right unfortunately.

 

[mychois]

If

This is a tough thing to be going thru. I get it. I learned that healthy relationships dont have a step by step process or a list of ways to do a,b and c. It's all personalized. It depends on what kind of person you're trying to be available for. I'm poly and two of my partners are polar opposites. To be available for my partner H (not related to their real name), I give her healthy distance and give spaced apart check ins, for K (unrelated to their real name), I remind him that I'm here. I text him every morning and evening and go more out of my way to be present.

All of that comes with prior conversation. Sometimes you have to ask the "stupid questions". One that really helps me in relationships is, "What do you see as the ideal kind of support when youre feeling 'x emotion' and how can I implement that into our dynamic?"

It feels textbook-ey at first but I've found that these kinds of questions really do help. Especially if youre the kind of person who gets overwhelmed easily, like myself, and has trouble with their own emotions and being available for themself.

Hope this helps.

If healthy relationships are all personalised, is it possible to define what a healthy relationship / healthy relationships are? (e.g., no physical or psychological harm is / will be caused, and every one involved therein is better off than without such relationships)

 

[TearStainedSunsets]

If

If healthy relationships are all personalised, is it possible to define what a healthy relationship / healthy relationships are? (e.g., no physical or psychological harm is / will be caused, and every one involved therein is better off than without such relationships)

no! not really. not in detail anyway. All you can define a healthy relationship by is the question; "are both parties comfortable, happy and satasfied with the dynamic?". If the answer is yes, I would say its a healthy relationship, if no, id say its not healthy and maybe a few conversations need to be had.

Relationships are complicated and difficult, maybe even impossible, to define and categorize.

Us as humas always want to have a plan, categories and definitions for everything but are so complex that a lot of times we cant perfectly define things like this and it becomes an issue.

 

[Deepdense]

Even if that's the case, then how do I make people in my life realise that?

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