Help Need advice on my boyfriend

[ScorpiusDragon]

I really want to die. I've lost all fear of the idea of dying. Yea, there is the physical pain, but at this point, I just want it to be over.
The only reason I have any hesitation is my boyfriend. We've been together for almost 3 years. We met in China (I briefly worked in China before coming back to the States). He is a native Chinese, and he gave up his job and stable life just to move to the USA for me.
He invested so much on the move from China to the US (time, money, etc). He has no family in the US, and he spoke very little English when he first met me. We live together in NY, and he takes language classes and computer science classes everyday. He wants to improve his English and one day find a job in the USA because he hopes to build a future with me. He talks a lot about one day marrying me and building a family with me. I feel so guilty for wanting to die after everything he sacrificed.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Are you supporting him at the moment, while he studies?

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Are you supporting him at the moment, while he studies?

I'm not financially supporting him. He is using the money he saved from his old job in China to pay for his classes in the US. His parents are also helping him out.
We split the rent and daily living expenses though.
I already met with a lawyer and wrote out my will. Hypothetically speaking, if I were to kill myself, I'd leave him more than enough money to cover all his classes. Of course, I don't think that would mean much to him because I'm the only reason he moved to the US in the first place.

 

[Ashpac]

Not trying to sound cold but I think everybody needs to do whats best for them.

I know its hard but why be miserable for other people. Im saying this because im in the same boat except with me its a family member thats keeping me here, but not for much longer.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Not trying to sound cold but I think everybody needs to do whats best for them.

I know its hard but why be miserable for other people. Im saying this because im in the same boat except with me its a family member thats keeping me here, but not for much longer.

I know what you're saying. I just don't want to hurt him, and that's why I'm still alive at age 25. If it weren't for him, I probably would've already killed myself 2 or 3 years ago.

 

[DoomedxFromBirth]

What went wrong?

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

What went wrong?

Nothing went wrong. I've just been depressed since I was 14 (at least partly because of my abusive parents). I've had suicidal thoughts for a long time, and I had a very difficult time in my workplace in China. I considered killing myself multiple times in China, and he is the only reason I didn't do it. Since I've moved back to the USA, I've made a few half-hearted attempts, and I buy supplies without having immediate plans to use them. I already bought SN and hid it in the back of my closet. The only reason I haven't drank it yet is because I know he will be devastated. I considered drinking it in the hotel to try to lessen the blow, but I know it won't take away the pain.

 

[not_a_robot]

I really want to die. I've lost all fear of the idea of dying. Yea, there is the physical pain, but at this point, I just want it to be over.
The only reason I have any hesitation is my boyfriend. We've been together for almost 3 years. We met in China (I briefly worked in China before coming back to the States). He is a native Chinese, and he gave up his job and stable life just to move to the USA for me.
He invested so much on the move from China to the US (time, money, etc). He has no family in the US, and he spoke very little English when he first met me. We live together in NY, and he takes language classes and computer science classes everyday. He wants to improve his English and one day find a job in the USA because he hopes to build a future with me. He talks a lot about one day marrying me and building a family with me. I feel so guilty for wanting to die after everything he sacrificed.

Wow. That poor guy. Tell him to start looking for a new partner if you're too damaged to appreciate all he's sacrificed for you. It's the kindest thing.

I'm not financially supporting him. He is using the money he saved from his old job in China to pay for his classes in the US. His parents are also helping him out.
We split the rent and daily living expenses though.
I already met with a lawyer and wrote out my will. Hypothetically speaking, if I were to kill myself, I'd leave him more than enough money to cover all his classes. Of course, I don't think that would mean much to him because I'm the only reason he moved to the US in the first place.

Awwww! :(
I feel terrible for you both, what a situation!

 

[Kikoo Loool]

Are you in love? I mean, usually, I say people should do what they think is good for themselves and shouldn't live like others want them to be, but having a genuine relationship is worth trying to overcome death thoughts.

 

[lastNamePicked]

the truth is: it will totally fuck him up and that's it. he pretty much started a new life on the foundation of a relationsship with you and now you will have him start another life yet again.
he decided to put his bets on you, you are not accountable for that he miscalculated. he was wrong about you and life will have him pay for that. life can be bitter.

 

[GeorgeJL]

First of all you lead him on. You were not honest with yourself and him about your goals in life. Which is the most fucked up part.

All I will say from here is that if you do end up marrying him and having one or more children and then you take your life after having any children that will be MUCH worse.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

First of all you lead him on. You were not honest with yourself and him about your goals in life. Which is the most fucked up part.

All I will say from here is that if you do end up marrying him and having one or more children and then you take your life after having any children that will be MUCH worse.

He knows about my depression, and he knows I've had suicidal thoughts. He accompanies me to the psychiatrist and he was there when I was hospitalized. He thinks I should be getting better because I take my meds everyday. I don't know how to tell him I still suicidal

 

[DoomedxFromBirth]

Nothing went wrong. I've just been depressed since I was 14 (at least partly because of my abusive parents). I've had suicidal thoughts for a long time, and I had a very difficult time in my workplace in China. I considered killing myself multiple times in China, and he is the only reason I didn't do it. Since I've moved back to the USA, I've made a few half-hearted attempts, and I buy supplies without having immediate plans to use them. I already bought SN and hid it in the back of my closet. The only reason I haven't drank it yet is because I know he will be devastated. I considered drinking it in the hotel to try to lessen the blow, but I know it won't take away the pain.

The past eats at us, im so sorry. I think you are right. It will hurt him.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Are you in love? I mean, usually, I say people should do what they think is good for themselves and shouldn't live like others want them to be, but having a genuine relationship is worth trying to overcome death thoughts.

I do love him. That's why I haven't killed myself yet. I definitely know I'm not staying alive for me.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I really want to die. I've lost all fear of the idea of dying. Yea, there is the physical pain, but at this point, I just want it to be over.
The only reason I have any hesitation is my boyfriend. We've been together for almost 3 years. We met in China (I briefly worked in China before coming back to the States). He is a native Chinese, and he gave up his job and stable life just to move to the USA for me.
He invested so much on the move from China to the US (time, money, etc). He has no family in the US, and he spoke very little English when he first met me. We live together in NY, and he takes language classes and computer science classes everyday. He wants to improve his English and one day find a job in the USA because he hopes to build a future with me. He talks a lot about one day marrying me and building a family with me. I feel so guilty for wanting to die after everything he sacrificed.

Does your boyfriend know about your history with depression/ wanting to CTB?
Have you considered confiding in him and looking for some way to try recovery together.
Without being too blunt if you've not told him how you feel and you CTB out of the blue this is going to cause a huge amount of pain and potentially screw his life up.
I know having that conversation with him will be really difficult (the lament of so many here, myself included), but in the long run it is the right play.
If he sticks with you and supports you (in what ever format that happens to be) then all will be fine, and you could even help him through this process.
If he decides to leave you and go back to China or to move across the street, in theory it won't change your plans much, but you will both have a clearer conscience.
Just my 2c, sorry for being blunt!
I hope you can find some peace in this dark place sister, good luck.
DBD

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Does your boyfriend know about your history with depression/ wanting to CTB?
Have you considered confiding in him and looking for some way to try recovery together.
Without being too blunt if you've not told him how you feel and you CTB out of the blue this is going to cause a huge amount of pain and potentially screw his life up.
I know having that conversation with him will be really difficult (the lament of so many here, myself included), but in the long run it is the right play.
If he sticks with you and supports you (in what ever format that happens to be) then all will be fine, and you could even help him through this process.
If he decides to leave you and go back to China or to move across the street, in theory it won't change your plans much, but you will both have a clearer conscience.
Just my 2c, sorry for being blunt!
I hope you can find some peace in this dark place sister, good luck.
DBD

Yes he knows. I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts at one point, and he accompanied me to the hospital. He accompanies me on all my visits to the psychiatrist and he monitors me to make sure I take my meds every night. The thing is though, I don't think he really understands that meds don't automatically make me better. In his mind, I should be ok or getting better because I take my meds.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

I'm not financially supporting him. He is using the money he saved from his old job in China to pay for his classes in the US. His parents are also helping him out.
We split the rent and daily living expenses though.
I already met with a lawyer and wrote out my will. Hypothetically speaking, if I were to kill myself, I'd leave him more than enough money to cover all his classes. Of course, I don't think that would mean much to him because I'm the only reason he moved to the US in the first place.

While this is an excellent gesture we (as people who've experienced mental illness, suffering and pain) know that money is not a comfort. Having human connection is the most important thing a fragile human being can have. This man uprooted his life for you which shows a deep level of love, connection and devotion to you and your relationship. You've likely experienced the loneliness that brought you to this site. Imagine the loneliness he would feel being left in a country with no human support and limited english skills to connect with others.

Now I don't believe in guilt tripping yourself to stay alive for him. But I feel it is exceptionally selfish not to tell him what's going on and your desire to CTB. You owe it to him to tell him because he believed in you and your connection enough to "risk it all". It is very tough for a man to fully depend on a woman. and while he may have some level of financial independence he has been emotionally dependent on you to be there for him as he builds himself up in the US.

If you do not feel comfortable being his sole emotional support after you break the news, I would recommend going to couples counseling. Even if its not going get you to change your mind it will would at least get him to a place where you guys can talk and he has another "sane" / neurotypical person that will comprehend his emotions. Of course you don't say "I wanna die" since you would get committed. But you could say "I'm very depressed and I'm having difficulty being in this relationship b/c I need to work on myself. I can no longer be your partner and sole emotional support." That at least gets him to a place of knowing you will not be together, it's time for him to move on.

I would give anything to have that type of connection with someone. It sounds like you do have some good things going for you in your life. Maybe its just a matter of finding the right "cocktail" and extensive therapy to get you to a place where you can receive love and heal.

Are you making an emotional or well thought out logical decision? Are you interested in any hope and possibilities of having a semi-"normal" future?

 

[GeorgeJL]

He knows about my depression, and he knows I've had suicidal thoughts. He accompanies me to the psychiatrist and he was there when I was hospitalized. He thinks I should be getting better because I take my meds everyday. I don't know how to tell him I still suicidal

Oh I see, well if you are going to push through this then you must tell him that your still suicidal.

You can talk about it in indirect ways. Like talk about the right to die movement. Doctor assisted suicide etc.

Have you ever tried a psychedelic?

 

[BipolarExpat]

It's a tough one ScorpiusD and many of us here struggle with those that will hurt the most by our passing.

I have the sweetest wife (currently in Thailand tho we've spent years in various countries together) who's very aware of my depression(s) and is so empathetic, she has begun exhibiting many of the same symptoms I suffer even when we're not physically together (like now).
She's very loving, supportive, has nursed me out of the depths before yet remains very attached.
I've happily provided financial support for her and her parents - all lovely people who've never asked for a dime - for years.

....Sorry 2 hi jack.

The point is that the majority of us (I think) on here seem to struggle with the difficulty of putting our own needs (to leave) above others who care and (in a sense) need us. From top mothers all the way down to children. <I apologize- you're probably well aware of that.

If only they really knew and understood the depths of our sufferings. Right?

Is he aware of your depression?
Can you speak fairly open with him?

EDIT: I see you've answered this.

Yes, it is hard to go back and say, "well, I'm suicidal again so..."

I've found that (sometimes) it's easier to speak a bit more openly with foreigners or those who have English as a 2nd language,...probably won't try and have you committed for being honest,....tho be prepared as convos can become rather frank at times. ;)

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

Oh I see, well if you are going to push through this then you must tell him that your still suicidal.

You can talk about it in indirect ways. Like talk about the right to die movement. Doctor assisted suicide etc.

Have you ever tried a psychedelic?

Nope. I've never tried psychedelics.
I do believe you have a point. I guess I'll try to tell him that the drugs my psychiatrist prescribed me aren't working. As of now, I take 3 Lamictal pills every night, and he always reminds me to take my medicine. At one point last year, I was super suicidal, and he was scared. He had to grab a knife out of my hands several times.
But recently, I haven't been "openly suicidal" if that makes any sense. I smile and laugh, I'm functional and I hold a job, I get up in the morning. Because of this, he thinks the meds are working, when in reality, I'm just trying hard to "seem normal" so he doesn't worry about me, like he did last year.

 

[Ashpac]

Why do people think its okay to judge someone and their situation on a site like this?
Youre supposed to help not make someone feel worse.
When did this forum turn into that kind of place? because it never used to be.
Everyone here who wants to end their life will hurt someone in the process.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

It's a tough one ScorpiusD and many of us here struggle with those that will hurt the most by our passing.

I have the sweetest wife (currently in Thailand tho we've spent years in various countries together) who's very aware of my depression(s) and is so empathetic, she has begun exhibiting many of the same symptoms I suffer even when we're not physically together (like now).
She's very loving, supportive, has nursed me out of the depths before yet remains very attached.
I've happily provided financial support for her and her parents - all lovely people who've never asked for a dime - for years.

....Sorry 2 hi jack.

The point is that the majority of us (I think) on here seem to struggle with the difficulty of putting our own needs (to leave) above others who care and (in a sense) need us. From top mothers all the way down to children. <I apologize- you're probably well aware of that.

If only they really knew and understood the depths of our sufferings. Right?

Is he aware of your depression?
Can you speak fairly open with him?

EDIT: I see you've answered this.

Yes, it is hard to go back and say, "well, I'm suicidal again so..."

I've found that (sometimes) it's easier to speak a bit more openly with foreigners or those who have English as a 2nd language,...probably won't try and have you committed for being honest,....tho be prepared as convos can become rather frank at times. ;)

He is aware of my depression but he thinks I should be getting better. He witnessed my suicidal moments before. Like I mentioned to @GeorgeJL, he had to grab a knife out of my hands several times.
The main difference between now and last year was last year, I had a breakdown every week and he was worried nonstop. Now, I'm calm for the most part while filled with suicidal thoughts on the inside, which leads him to believe the meds are working.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Nope. I've never tried psychedelics.
I do believe you have a point. I guess I'll try to tell him that the drugs my psychiatrist prescribed me aren't working. As of now, I take 3 Lamictal pills every night, and he always reminds me to take my medicine. At one point last year, I was super suicidal, and he was scared. He had to grab a knife out of my hands several times.
But recently, I haven't been "openly suicidal" if that makes any sense. I smile and laugh, I'm functional and I hold a job, I get up in the morning. Because of this, he thinks the meds are working, when in reality, I'm just trying hard to "seem normal" so he doesn't worry about me, like he did last year.

People have found reason to live with psychedelics. If you do decide to live, hit me up and I can guide you were you can buy them online. Even if you use a micro-dose it's better that you give it a shot then kill yourself without trying.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

While this is an excellent gesture we (as people who've experienced mental illness, suffering and pain) know that money is not a comfort. Having human connection is the most important thing a fragile human being can have. This man uprooted his life for you which shows a deep level of love, connection and devotion to you and your relationship. You've likely experienced the loneliness that brought you to this site. Imagine the loneliness he would feel being left in a country with no human support and limited english skills to connect with others.

Now I don't believe in guilt tripping yourself to stay alive for him. But I feel it is exceptionally selfish not to tell him what's going on and your desire to CTB. You owe it to him to tell him because he believed in you and your connection enough to "risk it all". It is very tough for a man to fully depend on a woman. and while he may have some level of financial independence he has been emotionally dependent on you to be there for him as he builds himself up in the US.

If you do not feel comfortable being his sole emotional support after you break the news, I would recommend going to couples counseling. Even if its not going get you to change your mind it will would at least get him to a place where you guys can talk and he has another "sane" / neurotypical person that will comprehend his emotions. Of course you don't say "I wanna die" since you would get committed. But you could say "I'm very depressed and I'm having difficulty being in this relationship b/c I need to work on myself. I can no longer be your partner and sole emotional support." That at least gets him to a place of knowing you will not be together, it's time for him to move on.

I would give anything to have that type of connection with someone. It sounds like you do have some good things going for you in your life. Maybe its just a matter of finding the right "cocktail" and extensive therapy to get you to a place where you can receive love and heal.

Are you making an emotional or well thought out logical decision? Are you interested in any hope and possibilities of having a semi-"normal" future?

One of the main reasons for my depression is the childhood abuse I experienced. My mother was emotionally unstable, manipulative, and controlling. Just to give examples, she once threaten to abandon me on the street because I got a 91 on a test (I was 8 years old), she threatened to kill herself if I got "bad grades," and she would beat the shit out of me for little things (she once beat the shit of me when I said "oh man" because she thought "oh man" is "black people language").
The abuse has contributed to my lifelong social anxiety. I struggle to form relationships with people, and I struggle when it comes to socializing.

People have found reason to live with psychedelics. If you do decide to live, hit me up and I can guide you were you can buy them online. Even if you use a micro-dose it's better that you give it a shot then kill yourself without trying.

I'll give it a try. Could you let me know where I could find psychedelics?

 

[BipolarExpat]

I got you ScorpiusD. It's a dilemma when they know, a dilemma when they don't.
My mother, sister, brother, sis in law, bro in law, wife, her folks and many others all know I struggle. My father took his life when I was a kid and I got his genes, apparently.
It's its own kind of difficulty when people are aware. Bringing it back up and putting your shit back on the table feels rotten and is its own brand of guilt and shame.

Everyone here who wants to end their life will hurt someone in the process.

I think that's mostly true and in some cases will hurt 'many.'

I used to avoid (unsuccessfully push) S ideation as much as possible because of a theory that stated:
"those who ctb not only continue to suffer from their own pain and guilt (on the other side) but also intensely feel what each and every one of those affected feel after they've gone."
Some kind of sick punishment involving lost souls having to experience the pain they've afflicted on others (living) due to their choices. Can't remember the source of that...but it haunted me for years.

 

[seekingoblivion]

Well, you are certainly in an incredibly difficult position. I'm sorry. Apart from the psychotherapy, what efforts do you put in trying to combat your depression? I know it takes a lot to keep fighting this but if you're so worried about your boyfriend I feel it's best to explore as many options as possible before deciding to ctb. I'm not presuming you haven't already tried every option you could I'm just saying this in case you haven't. Though I'm a hypocrite in this regard cause I wanna die and don't exactly have the intention to try every single possible thing to get better. But still I feel you should try everything if you haven't already.

What's at the heart of your depression? If you don't mind me asking

 

[Soul]

Beautiful ScorpiusDragon, can you talk with your doctor about the meds not working as they should? I think you truly do need to find a way to be more open with your friend about how much you're struggling, but the doctor also needs to know that you need a change in your meds.

You and your bf love each other.
Don't go yet.
I mean: It's your choice, your decision -
but don't go yet.

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

One of the main reasons for my depression is the childhood abuse I experienced. My mother was emotionally unstable, manipulative, and controlling. Just to give examples, she once threaten to abandon me on the street because I got a 91 on a test (I was 8 years old), she threatened to kill herself if I got "bad grades," and she would beat the shit out of me for little things (she once beat the shit of me when I said "oh man" because she thought "oh man" is "black people language).
The abuse has contributed to my lifelong social anxiety. I struggle to form relationships with people, and I struggle when it comes to socializing.

I have experienced some of the same abuse and I understand your experience. I was 3 grades ahead and still got in trouble for test scores under 90. I struggle with social anxiety and a few other disorders as well stemming from that abuse. I've also experienced lots of abuse from other people that I did not bring upon myself. If I had even one shot at what it sounds like you have I'd be "ALL-IN" trying to seize that hope.

I'm inclined to believe that you are just tired in frustrated with your mental state rather than you don't want a future with your guy / you want to die. Have you tried any other meds? Latuda has some decent reviews. There are a few others I hear good things about. I'd try a few more options.

I'm excited that you actually have a partner you can confide in about everything and he is supportive and loving. Think about all of the possibilities with him. You already know all of the possibilities of death.

Be gentle with yourself. You are not perfect. You were not given a handbook. But you sound like you are doing MUCH better than you give yourself credit for. Allow yourself the ability to potentially enjoy something more than the shitty hand your parent(s) dealt you at birth.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Beautiful ScorpiusDragon, can you talk with your doctor about the meds not working as they should? I think you truly do need to find a way to be more open with your friend about how much you're struggling, but the doctor also needs to know that you need a change in your meds.

You and your bf love each other.
Don't go yet.
I mean: It's your choice, your decision -
but don't go yet.

I got to agree with soul on this one. Try switching meds before you try psychedelics too.

 

[PatKat]

I know what you're saying. I just don't want to hurt him, and that's why I'm still alive at age 25. If it weren't for him, I probably would've already killed myself 2 or 3 years ago.

Do you not want to see him complete his schooling that's a big accomplishment, and it sounds like he wants to share that with you.