Help Need advice on CTB prep and how to not let SI beat my ass

[mapleboy]

I'm not in a rush to CTB but I would like to perhaps do it before August. I don't really have a huge, detailed plan or anything. My method of choice will most likely be SWB. I've never made a plan in advance, all my attempts have been impulsive and emotional. How does one usually plan for this? Should I set a specific date and organize things to be ready by that date? What things should I organize? Do I write a will? I'm only 20 years old with almost no knowledge of how anything works. I do not have a job and I live with my mother in an apartment. Would leaving a note give enough closure, or should I just keep my morbid thoughts to myself? My friends and loved ones all know about my rapidly declining mental health and suicidal ideation.

To be honest, I'm pretty scared. I hate being alive, but I'm also scared that SI will kick in. I really want to go through with this but it's so hard. Apologies for the mass of questions as well. I'm completely new to planning this out.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Dates can help if you're waiting for a feeling that may never come. They can also cause a lot of pressure too.

If you have stuff to actually leave people then a will would be good, though people may wonder why you're writing a will at such a young age. If you're like me and got nothing then you can go without a will. I guess that's the one benefit of not having anything material in the world.

Either way it all requires a tremendous amount of determination that no one but us can summon for ourselves.

What do you hate most about being alive? How long have you felt this way? If your family and friends have detected your deterioration, how have they responded?

 

[Vizzy]

I'm not in a rush to CTB but I would like to perhaps do it before August. I don't really have a huge, detailed plan or anything. My method of choice will most likely be SWB. I've never made a plan in advance, all my attempts have been impulsive and emotional. How does one usually plan for this? Should I set a specific date and organize things to be ready by that date? What things should I organize? Do I write a will? I'm only 20 years old with almost no knowledge of how anything works. I do not have a job and I live with my mother in an apartment. Would leaving a note give enough closure, or should I just keep my morbid thoughts to myself? My friends and loved ones all know about my rapidly declining mental health and suicidal ideation.

To be honest, I'm pretty scared. I hate being alive, but I'm also scared that SI will kick in. I really want to go through with this but it's so hard. Apologies for the mass of questions as well. I'm completely new to planning this out.

If you really wanna ctb nothing gonna stop you

 

[mapleboy]

What do you hate most about being alive? How long have you felt this way? If your family and friends have detected your deterioration, how have they responded?

I hate myself and I hate everything I've been through. I've felt like this for about 7-8 years. My mother made me do both inpatient and outpatient therapy for the past 5 years and nothing good came out of it. My family and friends know this as well, and they just all want me to keep trying but I've completely given up. My current therapist knows I want to CTB and since I do not want help anymore, they told me there's nothing they can do for me.

If you really wanna ctb nothing gonna stop you

It doesn't change the fact that it's terrifying...

 

[leftdreaming]

If you really wanna ctb nothing gonna stop you

I personally disagree with this, but I'm also still here after multiple attempts so I probably sound like a hypocrite.

I think you can want to ctb but have stuff stop you, whether it be a psych ward or your own SI.

 

[Vizzy]

I personally disagree with this, but I'm also still here after multiple attempts so I probably sound like a hypocrite.

I think you can want to ctb but have stuff stop you, whether it be a psych ward or your own SI.

if a person is desperate and really wanna ctb they ain't gonna think about anything, that's why more brutal ctb methods exist like train, jumping, hanging, cutting and list goes on

I am not saying people who choose brutal methods don't have si but their si is overcome by desperation and pain!

I stand with my conclusion, if a person is really desperate and pushed in the corner, they will ctb no matter what but they will choose brutal methods

 

[leftdreaming]

if a person is desperate and really wanna ctb they ain't gonna think about anything, that's why more brutal ctb methods exist like train, jumping, hanging, cutting and list goes on

I am not saying people who choose brutal methods don't have si but their si is overcome by desperation and pain!

I stand with my conclusion, if a person is really desperate and pushed in the corner, they will ctb no matter what but they will choose brutal methods

Alright, fair. I see your point, but I don't think I can fully agree with it either. Agree to disagree on this point?

Whatever it may be, I don't doubt maple's words, so let's work to support those who reach out, whether it be to dissuade or assist, without trying to ignore their concerns.

 

[Vizzy]

Alright, fair. I see your point, but I don't think I can fully agree with it either. Agree to disagree on this point?

Whatever it may be, I don't doubt maple's words, so let's work to support those who reach out, whether it be to dissuade or assist, without trying to ignore their concerns.

I am not ignoring anyone's concerns and your concern which is si, it is not easy to beat si because that's human nature to fight when something bad happens to them

We have to accept that there are people who are so deep in the hole from which they can't come back, I will give you a example let's take hitler and his generals (I know this is bad one, let see his scenario) when they lost the war and about to be captured hitler suicide using cyanide (which is a painful way to ctb) and his generals shot themselves with guns, I am damn sure they all had si too especially for the people in higher ranks but they were pushed to the corner so they had no other option just to ctb

Yes let's support everyone and welcomed to agree to disagree

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I hate myself and I hate everything I've been through. I've felt like this for about 7-8 years. My mother made me do both inpatient and outpatient therapy for the past 5 years and nothing good came out of it. My family and friends know this as well, and they just all want me to keep trying but I've completely given up. My current therapist knows I want to CTB and since I do not want help anymore, they told me there's nothing they can do for me.

It doesn't change the fact that it's terrifying...

What do you hate most about yourself? It sounds like you've been through a lot of painful experiences if you want out at 20.

 

[mapleboy]

What do you hate most about yourself? It sounds like you've been through a lot of painful experiences if you want out at 20.

l don't feel comfortable sharing my story, I apologize. It's a mix of things from my childhood, my time in middle school, my time in highschool, and now. I'm so tired of trying to heal and stay strong for people. I'm not sure why they're not getting the hint after my CTB attempts multiple times over the past 5 years.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

l don't feel comfortable sharing my story, I apologize. It's a mix of things from my childhood, my time in middle school, my time in highschool, and now. I'm so tired of trying to heal and stay strong for people. I'm not sure why they're not getting the hint after my CTB attempts multiple times over the past 5 years.

That's okay. It sounds like other people appreciate you but I know from experience that doesn't necessarily change how you feel about yourself. If you want to find healing from trauma, you have to cultivate a sense of self-empowerment. I understand if the effort required doesn't seem it worth it. If CTB seems too impossible right now then it makes sense to try to improve things in the interim. If life doesn't end up getting better then eventually the pain will outweigh the fear.

 

[tryagain]

I hate myself and I hate everything I've been through. I've felt like this for about 7-8 years. My mother made me do both inpatient and outpatient therapy for the past 5 years and nothing good came out of it. My family and friends know this as well, and they just all want me to keep trying but I've completely given up. My current therapist knows I want to CTB and since I do not want help anymore, they told me there's nothing they can do for me.

It doesn't change the fact that it's terrifying...

Exactly. It is still terrifying.
My

Exactly. It is still terrifying.

My psych team also say they can't do anything if it is a rational decision and not coming from an "unwell " state. I guess it is good no one is going to stand in my way (although part of me wishes they would because that might mean I'm worth something)… hmmm.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, it's up to the individual when to leave and if someone has managed to find a method that they feel confident in all that they can do is research it. It's also up to you if you want to leave a note or not but I personally think leaving one is preferable to leaving those left behind with no explanation as it might mean they are less likely to be left with as many unanswered questions. But anyway suicide simply isn't straightforward in this world and that's simply the reality and it certainly is like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering and keep us trapped here. I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I'm not in a rush to CTB but I would like to perhaps do it before August. I don't really have a huge, detailed plan or anything. My method of choice will most likely be SWB. I've never made a plan in advance, all my attempts have been impulsive and emotional. How does one usually plan for this? Should I set a specific date and organize things to be ready by that date? What things should I organize? Do I write a will? I'm only 20 years old with almost no knowledge of how anything works. I do not have a job and I live with my mother in an apartment. Would leaving a note give enough closure, or should I just keep my morbid thoughts to myself? My friends and loved ones all know about my rapidly declining mental health and suicidal ideation.

To be honest, I'm pretty scared. I hate being alive, but I'm also scared that SI will kick in. I really want to go through with this but it's so hard. Apologies for the mass of questions as well. I'm completely new to planning this out.

I'm currently prepping myself. I guess I have been for nearly a year now. Making sure this is really what I want.
I've started a note that I'm sure I'll revise many times before I go. I've got most of my supplies, H, SN, and benzos, and am now trying to figure out how much of everything, what order, and decide the where and when.
I'll definitely get my house super clean before I go and probably give a bunch of stuff away.
I don't have much in the way of family. One son, but he's pretty distant these days. He'll obviously get everything or whatever he wants and the rest idk, guess it doesn't matter.
I'm pretty checked out mentally and emotionally now so I don't have much to offer.
I'm sorry you're scared. I think that's pretty normal. Sending you hugs.