Venting near planned day but scared i'm gonna chicken out

[viljalauss]

(less than) 8 days away but my thoughts around it feel so.. stagnant, if that makes sense. almost like i have a mental block, but i can think about it if i really try

i also haven't done much by way of preparations. i know the equipment i need but can't seem to get myself to make the full list
also not much on the note either. just been saving relevant writing and images as they come, but i'm finding it hard to collate them. thinking part of it's an issue of who i address it to - i felt torn between writing generally and writing 2nd person singular (to my bf), as i cannot leave without my best attempts at consolation, which would be addressed to him (and could possibly take up a large body of the text).
will (list of possessions + who to give them to / distribute) is a lot easier to think about since i'm in my room almost all the time where i can see most of my possessions (i have 2 small drawers and one i am virtually only using to hide my sn)
the few songs out of a thousand i said to myself i absolutely wanted done before i go i have made near zero progress on. granted, exams, and there's no point really faulting myself for it - no one cares about it but me (not in a self-deprecating way! genuinely saying like the world will not change with or without it. and that is okay) - but i would like them at least to exist out there in the world. (remembering now that distrokid i think deletes your songs from spotify when your credit runs out unless you 'leave a legacy' per album, so i may need to pay a considerable sum soon.. godspeed to me :')
on the other hand any drive to do exams has definitely stagnated. so really i'm not moving forward in any meaningful way whatsoever. yay
also have been thinking about an alibi (as in reason why i'm going out when i go to the hotel room) and it turns out i have quite a solid one. i know rationally it doesn't mean anything if i for some mad reason decide to live and that situation / my plan of it isn't used (smth like sunken cost fallacy?), but .. yea. it is there

part of me i think is worried about failing and another part seems to wish for no good reason that if i put myself through an attempt and it doesn't kill me things will magically become ok/bearable afterwards, like some reaper-repelling angel sweeping me up with one wing and back to safety
for a brief moment after last time it almost felt that peaceful. not like i was being saved, but like a moment of calm. like all i had to do for the ?(may have been like 8/9 hours. no hold or anything, just nhs waiting times :) i was in the hospital was be alive. be alive in myself, but with a break from the lives of others. take stock of my breaths, my heartbeats, my senses, the names i call my own.
then some days passed, i went home for the holidays, and i experienced/was all the things i was attempting (pun not intended) to avoid.
i know i said i couldn't do it then and am still here but i don't think that means anything; if anything, i would be approaching the time afterwards (if i live) not just with dread for the future but with so much fatigue accumulated from the past
also at the time of my last attempt i hadn't sealed my fate as a (near if not completely) failed graduate.. now i have

apropos of nothing i wish i could push a button that would make my family forget i existed. that might be the magic that would mean i (and they) could live in peace and i wouldn't have to resort to death for it. i don't know. i really wouldn't mind dying if it were just me. but it's not; it's me and the person i love so dearly in this world, near-inextricably tied.

there is also a chance i'm underestimating si (haven't really thought about it) as a reason i might chicken out this time. it didn't really affect me last time - i only called for help because i'd woken up again and couldn't move - but the effects there (once i got past the horrible taste) were pretty much just sedative, in that i could just lay down to sleep after and hope i died. if not the tachychardia, then possible seizures (which i am used to but no less scared of), over 20min (possibly) of active pain and discomfort.. and if i was certain i'd die even after that maybe it would be ok but i'm scared i'd think in that time if i hadn't died after a while i'd failed after all

 

[Unknown21]

I'm in the same boat, afraid to checkin out, I wouldn't forgive myself if I did.

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

(less than) 8 days away but my thoughts around it feel so.. stagnant, if that makes sense. almost like i have a mental block, but i can think about it if i really try

i also haven't done much by way of preparations. i know the equipment i need but can't seem to get myself to make the full list
also not much on the note either. just been saving relevant writing and images as they come, but i'm finding it hard to collate them. thinking part of it's an issue of who i address it to - i felt torn between writing generally and writing 2nd person singular (to my bf), as i cannot leave without my best attempts at consolation, which would be addressed to him (and could possibly take up a large body of the text).
will (list of possessions + who to give them to / distribute) is a lot easier to think about since i'm in my room almost all the time where i can see most of my possessions (i have 2 small drawers and one i am virtually only using to hide my sn)
the few songs out of a thousand i said to myself i absolutely wanted done before i go i have made near zero progress on. granted, exams, and there's no point really faulting myself for it - no one cares about it but me (not in a self-deprecating way! genuinely saying like the world will not change with or without it. and that is okay) - but i would like them at least to exist out there in the world. (remembering now that distrokid i think deletes your songs from spotify when your credit runs out unless you 'leave a legacy' per album, so i may need to pay a considerable sum soon.. godspeed to me :')
on the other hand any drive to do exams has definitely stagnated. so really i'm not moving forward in any meaningful way whatsoever. yay
also have been thinking about an alibi (as in reason why i'm going out when i go to the hotel room) and it turns out i have quite a solid one. i know rationally it doesn't mean anything if i for some mad reason decide to live and that situation / my plan of it isn't used (smth like sunken cost fallacy?), but .. yea. it is there

part of me i think is worried about failing and another part seems to wish for no good reason that if i put myself through an attempt and it doesn't kill me things will magically become ok/bearable afterwards, like some reaper-repelling angel sweeping me up with one wing and back to safety
for a brief moment after last time it almost felt that peaceful. not like i was being saved, but like a moment of calm. like all i had to do for the ?(may have been like 8/9 hours. no hold or anything, just nhs waiting times :) i was in the hospital was be alive. be alive in myself, but with a break from the lives of others. take stock of my breaths, my heartbeats, my senses, the names i call my own.
then some days passed, i went home for the holidays, and i experienced/was all the things i was attempting (pun not intended) to avoid.
i know i said i couldn't do it then and am still here but i don't think that means anything; if anything, i would be approaching the time afterwards (if i live) not just with dread for the future but with so much fatigue accumulated from the past
also at the time of my last attempt i hadn't sealed my fate as a (near if not completely) failed graduate.. now i have

apropos of nothing i wish i could push a button that would make my family forget i existed. that might be the magic that would mean i (and they) could live in peace and i wouldn't have to resort to death for it. i don't know. i really wouldn't mind dying if it were just me. but it's not; it's me and the person i love so dearly in this world, near-inextricably tied.

there is also a chance i'm underestimating si (haven't really thought about it) as a reason i might chicken out this time. it didn't really affect me last time - i only called for help because i'd woken up again and couldn't move - but the effects there (once i got past the horrible taste) were pretty much just sedative, in that i could just lay down to sleep after and hope i died. if not the tachychardia, then possible seizures (which i am used to but no less scared of), over 20min (possibly) of active pain and discomfort.. and if i was certain i'd die even after that maybe it would be ok but i'm scared i'd think in that time if i hadn't died after a while i'd failed after all

May I ask what your protocol was?
And if you attempt again, what will you do differently?

 

[viljalauss]

May I ask what your protocol was?
And if you attempt again, what will you do differently?

sure. so last time i didn't know about sasu or i think even ppeh (that or i didn't know where to get anything), so the best thing i could think of was valerian. took 120g of that (60 extra strength pills) and a 350ml bottle of vodka. didn't do much though i think i may have slept around 14 hours in total, threw up a bit, also throat hurt and i was hearing things a semitone higher than normal (same thing happens sometimes when i'm ill). this time i will.. do a more orthodox method that is actually proven to work in most cases; also last time i did it in dorms, this time i have booked a hotel room since now i live with my bf and a few other people, and even if i fail seeing me would be very traumatic. so would seeing me in hospital but unfortunately i can't really mitigate that

 

[Onelegman]

It's normal to be afraid, don't blame yourself for it. An over-the-counter tranquilizer may be able to help you with this.
I have it too, I chose SN and although it is almost painless, my fear of failure is high. I also already have the hotel reserved (I hope they accept my reservation or I will have to look for an Airbnb)

Make your will, organize those things you have a little, stay active and your mind will not think so much, it will help later and you will feel less anxious when you are already at the hotel, knowing that everything was where it should.