Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 578
Writing this feels a little off for me. With stuff that "really matters", I naturally, automatically lie and mask.
I only open up to others, or express myself, out of sheer desperation, high emotional status, or because I think I could provide value somehow. I've learned early in life that when you express yourself truly, only bad things would happen unless it's what the other person wants, or whatever considered "normal".
An incedent that off the top of my head comes from my early childhood. I was reading a book, I couldn't really understand it, but I was imagining the sounds the words would make. Hearing the voice I generated myself internally, I acutely registered it with a fine awareness (hearing my own monologue). I told mother about it and she got rly worried abt how I was hearing voices in my head. This with many other scenarios forming the basis of "Everyday nonsense", taught me a valuable lesson /w operating in society : Wear the mask.
That has been my instinct since those formative years; I could even make myself believe this false image of myself.
But now.... I'm gonna kill myself, and while I thought I could create a beautiful swan-song, that just isn't how the real world goes; If I could do such a great thing I wouldn't be considering suicide in the first place would I? It's fucking over.
Am I really choosing to be silent abt these things /w myself to others, or is it just an the easy and natural thing to do for me?
Despite feeling like it was just half a choice, I haven't forgotten that important lesson.
I'm tiered, writing instead of sleeping. I'll take a nap for a while, when I wake up @least for a while to that day I'll be more active. I have 1 or two things I could post.
I only open up to others, or express myself, out of sheer desperation, high emotional status, or because I think I could provide value somehow. I've learned early in life that when you express yourself truly, only bad things would happen unless it's what the other person wants, or whatever considered "normal".
An incedent that off the top of my head comes from my early childhood. I was reading a book, I couldn't really understand it, but I was imagining the sounds the words would make. Hearing the voice I generated myself internally, I acutely registered it with a fine awareness (hearing my own monologue). I told mother about it and she got rly worried abt how I was hearing voices in my head. This with many other scenarios forming the basis of "Everyday nonsense", taught me a valuable lesson /w operating in society : Wear the mask.
That has been my instinct since those formative years; I could even make myself believe this false image of myself.
But now.... I'm gonna kill myself, and while I thought I could create a beautiful swan-song, that just isn't how the real world goes; If I could do such a great thing I wouldn't be considering suicide in the first place would I? It's fucking over.
Am I really choosing to be silent abt these things /w myself to others, or is it just an the easy and natural thing to do for me?
Despite feeling like it was just half a choice, I haven't forgotten that important lesson.
I'm tiered, writing instead of sleeping. I'll take a nap for a while, when I wake up @least for a while to that day I'll be more active. I have 1 or two things I could post.
