Narcissism has always been my savior

[blueclover_.]

I feel so bad writing this, but at the end of the day everyone only truly cares about themselves. I have pretty and smart privileges, i know my worth. Of course i'm also lazy and manipulative and apathetic (depends on the person) but it makes me laugh. I have been in the powerful circles of bullies and the quiet circles of good-shoes. School years were full of drama, anxiety, and depression.

I'm tired of it all. Some people started talking behind my back despite me not doing anything. Maybe it's because i don't socialize with anyone outside of my classes ever and i completely cut off any relation i have with my friends from high school the moment i started college. I just want to be alone now. Why can't they leave me out of the drama this time? Seriously, i don't care about who likes me and who doesn't cuz i'm dead set on moving out of here in the future. JUST DON'T TALK TO ME. I'm fucking tired of this shit and it's getting on my nerves.

How are you guys doing? Share your thoughts with me here if you'd like. It'd be nice to have deep talks again about life and things. Only my ex could keep up with my philosophical rambling and wouldn't call me 'weird' for not talking about the weather or partying 24/7. Oh man, parties. I love them, but sometimes it's too much. One is due next week and it smells like trouble already. It has always been like this. Hang out with a bunch of people you barely know, get wasted, get closer, and then drama. My head hurts just thinking about it.

 

[Toxic Positivity]

In a dark way, I kind of enjoy a party that's a shitshow as long as I'm not antagonizing anyone but just taking in the drama as you said. I am definitely guilty of schadenfreude. I am doing alright, working up the will to drive about 3 hours to visit relatives. One thing I have learned is to never underestimate people's capacity for gossip, and it doesn't even frustrate me anymore. People will say just the absolute wildest things when there are no immediate consequences and the content of their speech is sufficiently amusing or an appropriate vent for their frustrations, merited or otherwise. Not caring what others say is definitely the sane and stoic move here.

Even a party that smells like trouble can be better than an evening spent alone, depending on one's relationship with loneliness. I hope the party is however you would like for it to be.