Venting N came much earlier than expected

[reesespiecesaregood]

So my N came today and I expected it to take at least a month to get here. So now I have what I need.
Turns out I was right about still wanting to end it, even after having what I thought was some kind of breakthrough the other day. Still ready to go.

But my family has been actively trying to sell our house the past few weeks. It's a long story but basically we've been trying to get rid of it for years now and all it holds is shitty memories for us really. We put it back on the market again a couple weeks ago. It brings my dad a huge amount of stress since he recently got laid off and could barely afford it when he was employed, let alone now.

I know the timing here sucks for me to be ending it. Should I at least wait for us to get rid of the house so I don't burden them even more? Does it even matter? I'm suffering every day and I can't stand the thought of being here much longer.

I hate to even say it, but I wouldn't be surprised if my dad tried to take his own life after I take mine. He's attempted suicide in the past, and has long struggled with severe depression. He passively brought up the idea as recently as a few months ago (with out directly mentioning suicide but I could see through it) and I saw that he was researching suicide on his phone history last month when I was suspicious. That's why I feel like when does it even matter when I decide to do it. He wants to die. I do too. Of course I'd love for him to go on to live a happy life after I'm gone, but chances of that are slim to none since he's been perpetually miserable for years anyway.

 

[SadHam]

Not sure what to say. I keep moving dates to make it easy on others but I also lack the guts to do it. Well, sending some live, if you have the N then you have your emergency break. It's yours to deploy now at your leisure.

What is the outcome of selling the house, where to for you and yours post sale? Somewhere new, something new?

 

[AcornUnderground]

I know how hard the days are when you are in pain. That is a tough choice. Where did you get your N from? Curious because I'm waiting for mine from A

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

If you really feel it's time to go, please leave the house. Your dad will never be able to sell it once it's known as a "suicide house."

Can you talk honestly with your dad since he has some of the same issues?

 

[reesespiecesaregood]

Thanks for the replies. After selling the house who knows, probably just downsizing to an apartment. I'm hoping not to be here by then though.

@AcornUnderground I also got my N from A. I ordered it maybe 2 weeks ago and got it yesterday. I'm in the US.

And you're right @UpandDownPrincess, I've thought about that. I wasn't planning to do it in the house anyway, but especially not because it would surely spoil any chance of selling it. I couldn't even imagine what would happen if I told my dad about my plans, or even that I was just having suicidal thoughts. All it would do is make things worse unfortunately.

 

[AcornUnderground]

Thanks for the replies. After selling the house who knows, probably just downsizing to an apartment. I'm hoping not to be here by then though.

@AcornUnderground I also got my N from A. I ordered it maybe 2 weeks ago and got it yesterday. I'm in the US.

And you're right @UpandDownPrincess, I've thought about that. I wasn't planning to do it in the house anyway, but especially not because it would surely spoil any chance of selling it. I couldn't even imagine what would happen if I told my dad about my plans, or even that I was just having suicidal thoughts. All it would do is make things worse unfortunately.

Sorry to hone in on your N and I'm not so helpful about your actual issue. We are collecting info about N from A since it's been inconsistent lately. Did your N come in sealed 100ml bottle(s) with product label on them, or unmarked unsealed bottle(s)? Thanks for info and good luck deciding what to do. There is never a good time.

 

[Esc9434]

Have an open discussion with your father.

You guys can either live for each other or become CTB partners.

If you become CTB partners, then you guys can enjoy your last few moments together.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So my N came today and I expected it to take at least a month to get here. So now I have what I need.
Turns out I was right about still wanting to end it, even after having what I thought was some kind of breakthrough the other day. Still ready to go.

But my family has been actively trying to sell our house the past few weeks. It's a long story but basically we've been trying to get rid of it for years now and all it holds is shitty memories for us really. We put it back on the market again a couple weeks ago. It brings my dad a huge amount of stress since he recently got laid off and could barely afford it when he was employed, let alone now.

I know the timing here sucks for me to be ending it. Should I at least wait for us to get rid of the house so I don't burden them even more? Does it even matter? I'm suffering every day and I can't stand the thought of being here much longer.

I hate to even say it, but I wouldn't be surprised if my dad tried to take his own life after I take mine. He's attempted suicide in the past, and has long struggled with severe depression. He passively brought up the idea as recently as a few months ago (with out directly mentioning suicide but I could see through it) and I saw that he was researching suicide on his phone history last month when I was suspicious. That's why I feel like when does it even matter when I decide to do it. He wants to die. I do too. Of course I'd love for him to go on to live a happy life after I'm gone, but chances of that are slim to none since he's been perpetually miserable for years anyway.

Congrats on successfully obtaining N. I wish I had some good advice but I don't. I hate it here so much but I don't want to hurt family and friends … so I feel stuck.

 

[reesespiecesaregood]

@AcornUnderground it's okay I know this information is important. I ordered only one, it came sealed with a label stating it as being a natural face wash, I'm assuming obviously for protection purposes.

 

[AcornUnderground]

@AcornUnderground it's okay I know this information is important. I ordered only one, it came sealed with a label stating it as being a natural face wash, I'm assuming obviously for protection purposes.

Thank you!

 

[LastRide]

@AcornUnderground it's okay I know this information is important. I ordered only one, it came sealed with a label stating it as being a natural face wash, I'm assuming obviously for protection purposes.

And how do you know it's not just face wash ????

 

[reesespiecesaregood]

@LastRide good question, I really don't lol. But the bottle is the same bottle than N comes in with the correct seal and everything. I'd get it tested but idk how

@AcornUnderground do you know if any other recent N purchases from A came this way? If you'd rather not post you can pm me.

 

[AcornUnderground]

@LastRide good question, I really don't lol. But the bottle is the same bottle than N comes in with the correct seal and everything. I'd get it tested but idk how

@AcornUnderground do you know if any other recent N purchases from A came this way? If you'd rather not post you can pm me.

I don't know of any super recent shipments, there was thread called Getting N from A Everything You Need to Know - a long one, describing issues with shipments, inconsistent packaging, some not coming at all, orders not correct, etc. Looks like a shakeup at customs happened perhaps fall of last year. I have ordered and awaiting shipment. Thanks for help!
You can order a lab test on the webpage for Exit International but it takes forever to get to you and then you ship a small sample and wait for results.

 

[Goaway]

peel the label back. you will see it is not face wash.

 

[reesespiecesaregood]

@Goaway good advice, thank you! Definitely is N

 

[Somebodylied]

Wish I could say that ( about the n)

 

[NotOfThisEarth]

Congrats on successfully obtaining N. I wish I had some good advice but I don't. I hate it here so much but I don't want to hurt family and friends … so I feel stuck.

I can relate...I put mine off to care for my cat. It's just her & I And now she needs meds 2xa day. I've racked up so much debt. I am unemployed b/c I had quit my job. Now I can't leave my kitty behind because no one will care for her the way I do. I just sleep all day and I'm up all night. No friends, or life to speak of. I do feed a colony of feral cat's 3-4x a week and that's it.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

So my N came today and I expected it to take at least a month to get here. So now I have what I need.
Turns out I was right about still wanting to end it, even after having what I thought was some kind of breakthrough the other day. Still ready to go.

But my family has been actively trying to sell our house the past few weeks. It's a long story but basically we've been trying to get rid of it for years now and all it holds is shitty memories for us really. We put it back on the market again a couple weeks ago. It brings my dad a huge amount of stress since he recently got laid off and could barely afford it when he was employed, let alone now.

I know the timing here sucks for me to be ending it. Should I at least wait for us to get rid of the house so I don't burden them even more? Does it even matter? I'm suffering every day and I can't stand the thought of being here much longer.

I hate to even say it, but I wouldn't be surprised if my dad tried to take his own life after I take mine. He's attempted suicide in the past, and has long struggled with severe depression. He passively brought up the idea as recently as a few months ago (with out directly mentioning suicide but I could see through it) and I saw that he was researching suicide on his phone history last month when I was suspicious. That's why I feel like when does it even matter when I decide to do it. He wants to die. I do too. Of course I'd love for him to go on to live a happy life after I'm gone, but chances of that are slim to none since he's been perpetually miserable for years anyway.

How was it receiving the package at the same house that you live in with your parents? Were they suspicious at all? Does the package look suspicious? I'm wanting to order too but I live with people whom I don't want to know what I ordered. How did you keep it a secret?

 

[TCA]

I've had mine for a few months now. But I've not come to the point where I want to use it. Sometimes I hit desperation. But you can't use N like that. It's hard to give a few days notice to die :(

 

[NotOfThisEarth]

I've had mine for a few months now. But I've not come to the point where I want to use it. Sometimes I hit desperation. But you can't use N like that. It's hard to give a few days notice to die :(

May I ask what method of payment did you use? I want to do western union-u think that's ok?

 

[TCA]

May I ask what method of payment did you use? I want to do western union-u think that's ok?

I used Bitcoin personally.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I can relate...I put mine off to care for my cat. It's just her & I And now she needs meds 2xa day. I've racked up so much debt. I am unemployed b/c I had quit my job. Now I can't leave my kitty behind because no one will care for her the way I do. I just sleep all day and I'm up all night. No friends, or life to speak of. I do feed a colony of feral cat's 3-4x a week and that's it.

Sorry to hear about your situation I couldn't leave either if I had a cat. Sometimes cat's are better than friends. I don't really have much of a life either.
I have a few friends but we don't always talk.

 

[NotOfThisEarth]

Sorry to hear about your situation I couldn't leave either if I had a cat. Sometimes cat's are better than friends. I don't really have much of a life either.
I have a few friends but we don't always talk.

thanku. Agreed-cats & all animals are better than people. I relate to them in every way. My friends are all married with children. I never wanted kids so Im in that weird place now where I'm in my 30's and people don't know how to relate to me. I always thought I would be pursuing some creative dream but that never manifested because I have zero self confidence. Confidence is everything.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

thanku. Agreed-cats & all animals are better than people. I relate to them in every way. My friends are all married with children. I never wanted kids so Im in that weird place now where I'm in my 30's and people don't know how to relate to me. I always thought I would be pursuing some creative dream but that never manifested because I have zero self confidence. Confidence is everything.

Agreed … ALL animals are better than people. I never wanted kids either. I've wanted to did since I was a teenager … I definitely don't want to bring another life form to this fucked up planet. Unfortunately I'm not very creative but also no self confidence either. What little I did have was beaten out of me by life.

 

[issyishere]

Congratulations on receiving the gold standard! Sorry to hear you're still struggling but I'm curious, now that it's in your possession do you have peace of mind? Regardless I hope you treat yourself the next few days. Your situation with your father is a tough one. I'm in the same boat with my mother. SN is my method and now that I have everything I'm trying everything to hopefully give me a reason to live. If i don't have one oh well, I can leave. I find I can think clearer now that I have a way out if I need it. Sending virtual love

 

[reesespiecesaregood]

How was it receiving the package at the same house that you live in with your parents? Were they suspicious at all? Does the package look suspicious? I'm wanting to order too but I live with people whom I don't want to know what I ordered. How did you keep it a secret?

I live in the US and it came to me through FedEx and had to be signed for. They tried to deliver it the day before and nobody was home so they couldn't deliver, but they left a notification on my door and it had a tracking # and ETA of when it would arrive the next day. I made sure I was around for when it came. It was packaged really well with multiple boxes and cotton stuff to protect it. So to me the only thing that could've been deemed suspicious by someone was that it had to be signed for, but I feel like that's pretty normal so not too big of a deal imo.

But in terms of making sure family doesn't notice it I guess that depends on how your personal family is. Whenever I get packages to my house my dad just gives them to me or leaves them for me, he doesn't open them or question me usually. I was a little worried just about wether the package would look abnormal and if my dad or brother were to be the ones to get it, but luckily it came in a typical fedex package and I was the one to get it. I wouldn't be too worried but again I don't wanna speak for you since I don't know your personal living situation

Congratulations on receiving the gold standard! Sorry to hear you're still struggling but I'm curious, now that it's in your possession do you have peace of mind? Regardless I hope you treat yourself the next few days. Your situation with your father is a tough one. I'm in the same boat with my mother. SN is my method and now that I have everything I'm trying everything to hopefully give me a reason to live. If i don't have one oh well, I can leave. I find I can think clearer now that I have a way out if I need it. Sending virtual love

Thanks so much. Well it's a little complicated because I originally planned SN being my method. I ordered everything I needed for that and I was super at peace once I got everything a couple months ago. But then I found out about A shortly after and realized I could likely get N, and figured I'd Give it a shot since it's deemed more "peaceful". But for some reason since it came earlier than I thought, I kinda found myself not as happy as I thought I'd be. Kind of like I didn't have an excuse anymore to not go through with it; I have the most peaceful exit. I know that I'm 100% serious about ctb but it's still just surreal now that it's actually this easy (hopefully).

But overall, I do feel more at peace in my mind knowing that I have a reliable exit. Even if for some reason I decide not to go through with it, it's good to have it. But for me, my plan is to go by the end of the month, so this is more real. With the SN I think it was more of a mental safety net, not that I wasn't serious about it but I don't think I was really ready a couple months ago. Now, I do feel ready, but also have been trying to get whatever affairs I can in order which is making it really real, and that's been making my family and the aftermath be on my mind. It won't stop me, but it's just making it more difficult to be fully at peace right now. Hopefully once I approach my date and have everything settled I'll feel totally peaceful and ready.

I'll definitely be posting once that time comes because I'll need all the support I can get, so we'll see

 

[NotMeantForHere]

I live in the US and it came to me through FedEx and had to be signed for. They tried to deliver it the day before and nobody was home so they couldn't deliver, but they left a notification on my door and it had a tracking # and ETA of when it would arrive the next day. I made sure I was around for when it came. It was packaged really well with multiple boxes and cotton stuff to protect it. So to me the only thing that could've been deemed suspicious by someone was that it had to be signed for, but I feel like that's pretty normal so not too big of a deal imo.

But in terms of making sure family doesn't notice it I guess that depends on how your personal family is. Whenever I get packages to my house my dad just gives them to me or leaves them for me, he doesn't open them or question me usually. I was a little worried just about wether the package would look abnormal and if my dad or brother were to be the ones to get it, but luckily it came in a typical fedex package and I was the one to get it. I wouldn't be too worried but again I don't wanna speak for you since I don't know your personal living situation


Thanks so much. Well it's a little complicated because I originally planned SN being my method. I ordered everything I needed for that and I was super at peace once I got everything a couple months ago. But then I found out about A shortly after and realized I could likely get N, and figured I'd Give it a shot since it's deemed more "peaceful". But for some reason since it came earlier than I thought, I kinda found myself not as happy as I thought I'd be. Kind of like I didn't have an excuse anymore to not go through with it; I have the most peaceful exit. I know that I'm 100% serious about ctb but it's still just surreal now that it's actually this easy (hopefully).

But overall, I do feel more at peace in my mind knowing that I have a reliable exit. Even if for some reason I decide not to go through with it, it's good to have it. But for me, my plan is to go by the end of the month, so this is more real. With the SN I think it was more of a mental safety net, not that I wasn't serious about it but I don't think I was really ready a couple months ago. Now, I do feel ready, but also have been trying to get whatever affairs I can in order which is making it really real, and that's been making my family and the aftermath be on my mind. It won't stop me, but it's just making it more difficult to be fully at peace right now. Hopefully once I approach my date and have everything settled I'll feel totally peaceful and ready.

I'll definitely be posting once that time comes because I'll need all the support I can get, so we'll see ❤

Thanks for the info! This helps a bunch!

 

[AcornUnderground]

I, too, received my N today in the mail. Two sealed bottles as ordered. 11 days after ordering, in US.