Feel free to ask me anything, this won't be the most detailed but happy to answer respectful questions!
I hit the roughest patch after 25 years of pain and 3 months of absolute torment. I decided to attempt.
I took some SN, I really didn't care if it killed me or not at that time but please don't come at me saying it was a 'test', it wasn't! it was fully planned, I had letter written and affairs sorted. I just knew I'd never overcome SI having a full amount when I can't access Benzos. Knew if it happened it would be "an accident" thats the only way I could overcome the SI so please understand that.
Had 7g, food still in stomach tho; also Meto and Ibuprofen. I was ready to go.
Didn't feel much tbh… I had 0.3g the day before as part of my method (less than would be in meat portion) little lightheaded and short of breath bit of tingling it felt amazing actually.
Took 2 hours to feel anything, just got small stomach ache but big headache, but suffered migraines for years anyway. After only 10 mins of symptoms I fell asleep, actually had an amazing sleep only about 4 hours but still great. Woke up with same symptoms that I didn't expect. Had no nausea before falling asleep but after 6 hours (4 of them sleeping like a log) I did. I vomited 3 times, just whatever water left in system tho. Had some Coke and a chocolate but vomited that. Realised nothing was going to stay down so just relaxed in bed a bit, had juice and ibuprofen. Felt great strangely.
But then I realised I had actually survived a CTB attempt. It didn't really feel like it when I did it, definitely dissociated. I had never come close to actually attempting before. But I was fine when out my system. I know people constantly debate if you can have any lingering effects but I felt nothing after.
I sat for a while thinking; do I just go full throttle now or see if any more help would work. I decided that the SN will be there if needed and where I live healthcare is free, fuck it, packed a bag and left.
I triaged, nurse sat me down I said I attempted suicide and planned to again, she didn't really look at me, just the computer. She called the "secure waiting room" and led me to it. All my stuff was taken and I was put in a bed. One of the nurses there took vitals and said "thank you so much for coming in" and was nice. I had my phone and book entire time.
I saw a Dr to answer the questions. I didn't admit to SN as I was too scared of legality and it being taken. Said I drank amyl nitrite with Pepsi instead. They did some invasive tests and told me nothing was in my system and no damage.
Later was told I would be moved to another hospital that had a better unit. I was too shaken but by 3am I was exhausted and fell asleep I woke up and was soon transported.
The new ward wasn't a full ward. Like short stay but "low needs" patients could be kept there for weeks. Vitals checked and shown bed then given lunch. Not a lot of info then had dinner and bed still not seeing a dr. Phone was taken off me in that ward tho, which was so painful as it's the only thing I had to keep me stable. Given sleeping pills before bed then woke up for breakfast. This was Saturday and was told drs won't do rounds till Monday, that killed me more!
The ward was okay, nice nurses, with some things to do and a tv and fridge access for snacks and phone use allowed during daylight. Only had a caged courtyard so no sky or grass. People were okay but it wasn't a proper ward with dangerous people.
I did 6 days there saw a Dr on Monday to talk, I never once saw a psychiatrist tho. They put me on an antidepressant for 2 days but didn't allow me to take my ADHD medication so I went even crazier with withdrawal, boredom and entrapment. I stopped taking the antidepressant when I found out it often causes weight gain as I'm already obese. I also can't take SSRI's either cause of side effects. So had one dose of the last one I can take available in my country, but it includes taking blood tests every three weeks for 3 months which makes me more miserable!
Then on Christmas Eve the Dr came round and said she could see me being trapped there wasn't the best option and that I probably had no chance of seeing a psychiatrist for another 10 days minimum so I agreed to leave "if I felt safe" so I lied and said I would be and got out. Left with a weeks worth of the antidepressant and letter to give to a GP to give me more.
I came home, got back on my ADHD medication and had a panic attack, later ate dinner and threw it all up and am now laying in bed feeling empty.
Okay to try and see if new medication will work but I'm definitely no better with my week locked away. That's about all I can muster writing. Ask me anything if you want, otherwise thank you for reading.
I hit the roughest patch after 25 years of pain and 3 months of absolute torment. I decided to attempt.
I took some SN, I really didn't care if it killed me or not at that time but please don't come at me saying it was a 'test', it wasn't! it was fully planned, I had letter written and affairs sorted. I just knew I'd never overcome SI having a full amount when I can't access Benzos. Knew if it happened it would be "an accident" thats the only way I could overcome the SI so please understand that.
Had 7g, food still in stomach tho; also Meto and Ibuprofen. I was ready to go.
Didn't feel much tbh… I had 0.3g the day before as part of my method (less than would be in meat portion) little lightheaded and short of breath bit of tingling it felt amazing actually.
Took 2 hours to feel anything, just got small stomach ache but big headache, but suffered migraines for years anyway. After only 10 mins of symptoms I fell asleep, actually had an amazing sleep only about 4 hours but still great. Woke up with same symptoms that I didn't expect. Had no nausea before falling asleep but after 6 hours (4 of them sleeping like a log) I did. I vomited 3 times, just whatever water left in system tho. Had some Coke and a chocolate but vomited that. Realised nothing was going to stay down so just relaxed in bed a bit, had juice and ibuprofen. Felt great strangely.
But then I realised I had actually survived a CTB attempt. It didn't really feel like it when I did it, definitely dissociated. I had never come close to actually attempting before. But I was fine when out my system. I know people constantly debate if you can have any lingering effects but I felt nothing after.
I sat for a while thinking; do I just go full throttle now or see if any more help would work. I decided that the SN will be there if needed and where I live healthcare is free, fuck it, packed a bag and left.
I triaged, nurse sat me down I said I attempted suicide and planned to again, she didn't really look at me, just the computer. She called the "secure waiting room" and led me to it. All my stuff was taken and I was put in a bed. One of the nurses there took vitals and said "thank you so much for coming in" and was nice. I had my phone and book entire time.
I saw a Dr to answer the questions. I didn't admit to SN as I was too scared of legality and it being taken. Said I drank amyl nitrite with Pepsi instead. They did some invasive tests and told me nothing was in my system and no damage.
Later was told I would be moved to another hospital that had a better unit. I was too shaken but by 3am I was exhausted and fell asleep I woke up and was soon transported.
The new ward wasn't a full ward. Like short stay but "low needs" patients could be kept there for weeks. Vitals checked and shown bed then given lunch. Not a lot of info then had dinner and bed still not seeing a dr. Phone was taken off me in that ward tho, which was so painful as it's the only thing I had to keep me stable. Given sleeping pills before bed then woke up for breakfast. This was Saturday and was told drs won't do rounds till Monday, that killed me more!
The ward was okay, nice nurses, with some things to do and a tv and fridge access for snacks and phone use allowed during daylight. Only had a caged courtyard so no sky or grass. People were okay but it wasn't a proper ward with dangerous people.
I did 6 days there saw a Dr on Monday to talk, I never once saw a psychiatrist tho. They put me on an antidepressant for 2 days but didn't allow me to take my ADHD medication so I went even crazier with withdrawal, boredom and entrapment. I stopped taking the antidepressant when I found out it often causes weight gain as I'm already obese. I also can't take SSRI's either cause of side effects. So had one dose of the last one I can take available in my country, but it includes taking blood tests every three weeks for 3 months which makes me more miserable!
Then on Christmas Eve the Dr came round and said she could see me being trapped there wasn't the best option and that I probably had no chance of seeing a psychiatrist for another 10 days minimum so I agreed to leave "if I felt safe" so I lied and said I would be and got out. Left with a weeks worth of the antidepressant and letter to give to a GP to give me more.
I came home, got back on my ADHD medication and had a panic attack, later ate dinner and threw it all up and am now laying in bed feeling empty.
Okay to try and see if new medication will work but I'm definitely no better with my week locked away. That's about all I can muster writing. Ask me anything if you want, otherwise thank you for reading.
