I have decided, in part, on my Way Out. I have been stockpiling antidepressants for some months, actually quite innocently. I have been on 50mg of Desvenlafaxine for more than two and a half years. I had been on lexapro prior. Both had seemed to lose their effectiveness, but I still collected my monthly prescription of Desvenlafaxine. That prescription came bundled with ambien, which I need most nights to sleep.
I have about 5.7g of Desvenlafaxine crushed and sitting in a small container. If I can wait another 10 days, I can get this month's prescription - 30x 50mg. I dont see myself waiting though.
So, the plan is to down the ambien with a bottle of some alcohol and then drink the 5g in water (ideally ice cream). As I've said elsewhere, I have nearly no money left, so I can't buy much. I don't have access to a gun or SN here.
I've kept some money to get myself a last meal of burger, mac pie, gyro and pizza. I wanted to enjoy my last meal while sitting on the beach and staring at the setting sun then take the fatal concoction and end it all.
I'm concerned that I won't be able to commit to it, though. Like I said, I have no way out: no loving family to help me with money or to help me get away from here, no allies to help me find work. I have submitted more than 200 applications in the last year and a half, which might not sound like much in US standards, but in the third world where jobs open infrequently, it is a staggering and depressing number.
I keep hoping things will get better despite my knowing I have no reason to expect that. I would need a good job that hires immediately to even have a shot, but that rarely happens here. I think I would rather be alive. I love food, pretty skylines, first kisses from beautiful girls. But I have hardly been able to afford to eat in the last 18 months. Certainly, there have been no kisses in the time and quite embarrassingly long, to be honest.
My alternate thought is to take the drugs and jump from a bridge, about 50ft into water. I have always had severe aquaphobia and never learned to swim. I nearly drowned a few times as a young boy. There is, I think, a certain poetry in choosing to drown after having failed to drown. However, I wonder if I would be able to do it.
A part of me wants to try to get into the main building fot government and climb to the top and jump from there. That would be a spectacle and one way to make a statement here. I probably wont do this one. I would need to find out how to get in, and I could accidentally traumatize some poor children who happen to be in the area.
The sunset meal and death seem right, but it will be a lonely way to go out. I've been lonely for so long.
I wonder if anyone knows whether 5.7g is enough to do the job. I really want my last meal, but I know there's a risk of throwing up. I've read that 4.2g of Desvenlafaxine can be fatal in some cases, but > 8g is almost always fatal.
I have about 5.7g of Desvenlafaxine crushed and sitting in a small container. If I can wait another 10 days, I can get this month's prescription - 30x 50mg. I dont see myself waiting though.
So, the plan is to down the ambien with a bottle of some alcohol and then drink the 5g in water (ideally ice cream). As I've said elsewhere, I have nearly no money left, so I can't buy much. I don't have access to a gun or SN here.
I've kept some money to get myself a last meal of burger, mac pie, gyro and pizza. I wanted to enjoy my last meal while sitting on the beach and staring at the setting sun then take the fatal concoction and end it all.
I'm concerned that I won't be able to commit to it, though. Like I said, I have no way out: no loving family to help me with money or to help me get away from here, no allies to help me find work. I have submitted more than 200 applications in the last year and a half, which might not sound like much in US standards, but in the third world where jobs open infrequently, it is a staggering and depressing number.
I keep hoping things will get better despite my knowing I have no reason to expect that. I would need a good job that hires immediately to even have a shot, but that rarely happens here. I think I would rather be alive. I love food, pretty skylines, first kisses from beautiful girls. But I have hardly been able to afford to eat in the last 18 months. Certainly, there have been no kisses in the time and quite embarrassingly long, to be honest.
My alternate thought is to take the drugs and jump from a bridge, about 50ft into water. I have always had severe aquaphobia and never learned to swim. I nearly drowned a few times as a young boy. There is, I think, a certain poetry in choosing to drown after having failed to drown. However, I wonder if I would be able to do it.
A part of me wants to try to get into the main building fot government and climb to the top and jump from there. That would be a spectacle and one way to make a statement here. I probably wont do this one. I would need to find out how to get in, and I could accidentally traumatize some poor children who happen to be in the area.
The sunset meal and death seem right, but it will be a lonely way to go out. I've been lonely for so long.
I wonder if anyone knows whether 5.7g is enough to do the job. I really want my last meal, but I know there's a risk of throwing up. I've read that 4.2g of Desvenlafaxine can be fatal in some cases, but > 8g is almost always fatal.
