My venting thread in the recovery session (starting march 01, 2023)

[That's Not Me]

This is my first post in the recovery session, hopefully the first of many. This forum is the place I come to organize my thoughts, and it's about time I started writing in this session. This is the only place in the world where I can speak my mind and thoughts. I am immensely grateful for all the kind people who supported me when I needed it. Like most of my other ventings, it may not be super interesting to read, but I need to write.

A month ago I wrote here about everything I was going through. I really decided to give life another chance. I know that suicide is my destiny, but I think I can avoid the inevitable for a little longer. For how long? Maybe six months, maybe a year and six months, or even six years. Who knows? It will all depend on how things will go this year. It is quite likely that when I actually get back in touch with real life I will realize that I am not made for life, so maybe the way to go is not to get back in touch with life at all.
This year I will have several obstacles to this new attempt at living. Considering my not very high will to improve (at best a 6/10), this may become a problem. The first of these is that I cannot go to any therapy. This new chance that I am giving life is based on the fact that I can simply go back whenever I want. If I visit a therapist I will have to tell the truth, because I see no point in lying to a therapist, and that would end my chances of going back. I don't think at this point I will be hospitalized, but the therapist would probably talk to my parents and any chance of me ctb with the same techniques as before would be ruined. One alternative I find to this would be to buy a webcam and microphone to make a sort of video log to organize my head. It would basically have the same function as a therapist. Another obstacle is medication. I stopped taking meds last year as I thought it would give me the willpower I was lacking for ctb. I informed my psychiatrist only last week that I "will" stop taking medication. She understood my points and agreed with my decision. I am not going back on meds for different reasons, of course. If this year I am really going to dedicate myself to my studies in order to pass into a university, I need to get into it fully, and the drugs kill my logical thinking (I wonder to what extent they have interfered with my development) and impulsiveness, preventing me from studying energetically. There are also deeper reasons like the possibility that I skipped some phases of my adolescence by maturing too early, and this may be the root of much of my suffering. I skipped the phases from impulsive teenager looking for sex straight to rationalism. Anyway, these deeper and more complex issues have less weight in my decision not to go back on medication. I stopped taking medications for one reason and have not returned for others. These are more immediate needs, although they have been given a lot of thought and are not impulsive at all. This February I remembered the reasons that made me start taking medication in the first place: the almost invincible desire to stay in bed all day and to engage in self-destructive behavior. One solution I have thought of for this is to go back to the gym. I would like to visit some doctors before that, but every time I start looking I give up. I don't really know where to start. Another obstacle that will possibly show me that my ctb destiny maybe can't be delayed much is my complete loneliness. I am completely alone here. I am alone not only because everyone has given up on me, but also because my problems are not shareable. They are afflictions and anguish that only I can solve. Not only because the mindsets of the people around me make it impossible for them to care about anything but themselves, but also because of my inability to share what is going on with me. I have dealt with this very well in the past year, but I don't know how I will deal with it without medication and therapy. Of course I understand that this is a trap and I am willing to risk myself in this situation, but it makes me deeply afraid. One more obstacle that I will have to face is the fact that this year I will have to take a much inferior preparatory course than last year, which will demand much more of me individually. All these obstacles and traps that I set for myself over the past year make me leave the same race as last year dozens of meters behind the previous year. This might not be a problem if my will to make it all work was enormous, but as I said before, this is not the case.
I am thinking of starting a YouTube channel to keep active and talk about whatever nonsense I think of or finally learn to play the piano, but I don't have the energy to do what I need to do so I doubt I will have the energy for anything else. I should have researched and applied for some online preparation course by now, but March has already started and all I've done is procrastinate. I feel guilty, incapable and I've even started to lose hair in the last few months (possibly because I stopped taking medicine) so I also feel ugly lol. I feel that this life onslaught will be over soon, but it's too late to not even try. At least I still have the Beach Boys music to calm me down and the disposable videos on YouTube to distract me from real life. If you have read this far, congratulations and thank you very much! Here's your humble prize .

Peace in your heart ❤❤

 

[nembutal]

please hold on to that desire for life. getting to your mindset after an attempt/planned attempt its challenging in of itself. genuinely hope you prosper

 

[MoonlitNight]

Hiii, this is pretty late but it seems you're active. How are you doing?

 

[Kaycee]

You are at the right place to vent and not be judged. Just take it one step at a time. Sounds like you've thought your decisions through and I hope everything works out for you

 

[That's Not Me]

And here I am again.

Hiii, this is pretty late but it seems you're active. How are you doing?

I wish I had better news, but that is not the case. I'm feeling like I've never felt before. I feel a very strong pain in my chest and a fear that everything is going to go wrong. I haven't given up yet, but I'm very afraid that I will soon. The pain is almost unbearable. I suspect that the caffeine has helped a lot with this. It is a very difficult anxiety to bear. Yesterday I went back on medication to try to withstand this pressure. Since I only have very high dosage pills, I opened the capsule and took a little less than half of the contents. I did this yesterday, today and I think I will do it for a couple more days so I can increase the dose. I still want to live and at some points of the day I feel optimistic about the future, but I spend a lot of my day with a very strong pain in my chest and I'm very afraid that this improvement will be temporary. It's interesting that the optimistic part is much more optimistic than when I decided to give life another chance, but the pessimistic part is much more dark and sorrowful than when I actually went ctb. Since the part of me that wants to live is speaking louder, I am thinking about confessing to my psychiatrist everything I did last year. I think it might be good. I don't want her to pump me full of drugs. I think I just want to get it off my chest with someone. I want to be hugged. My mom has noticed my distress and hugged me a few times this week, but it would be different if she knew the reason for my pain. I want to feel less alone. The reason I didn't tell my psychiatrist when I decided that I would give life another chance is that in order for me to do this I needed to know that I could give up and turn back at any time. That's the only way it could work and it did work, but I think I've reached a point where I don't want to go back anymore. Talking to my psychiatrist about this means that she will inevitably talk to my parents and that any possibility of my doing my old plan in the future is ruined. I think I'm okay with that idea. In fact, it might be less painful for them if I ctb in a year or two, for example, because they will know that it was not an isolated case. Maybe. That's it.

You are at the right place to vent and not be judged. Just take it one step at a time. Sounds like you've thought your decisions through and I hope everything works out for you

Thanks for all the positivity and kind words. Glad I can count on this forum

please hold on to that desire for life. getting to your mindset after an attempt/planned attempt its challenging in of itself. genuinely hope you prosper

I am trying my best to keep my will to live. From what I know, most suicides happen after recovery, so I think this is a very difficult stage. Thank you for the kind words.

 

[That's Not Me]

I am feeling a little better. Maybe it is the return of the pills. For the first time in a while I feel that I am alive. I am very afraid of what will happen if I tell the doctor about everything that happened last year. The appointment isn't until the 30th, so I still have time to think. Despite the improvements, I feel unstable. In the morning I am super pessimistic, feel like I am about to cry and have an almost unbearable pain in my chest, but after a few hours I feel better. I suspect the reason for this is that my medication is " delayed release" and meant to be released little by little into the bloodstream, so it would make sense that in the morning I would feel worse. This may be wrong as I sometimes feel bad even after I have gotten better during the day. I think I'll take half the dose for another day or two to see how much better I feel and depending on the result I'll increase it. I stopped the caffeine and I don't think there is anything left in my body. The night of the 14th (or maybe the 15th) I slept very badly, as if I had just had a cup of coffee, and this makes sense, since I was about to have an overdose, so I took medicine to sleep (something I am avoiding doing because it makes me sleepy the next day, and the reason I stopped taking medicine is precisely to be more alert), but oddly enough I also slept very badly last night, so maybe it's not the coffee. I had a meeting today with someone from the preparatory course I signed up for. I'm not sure what I thought. It is a bit wrong of me to do this, since I plan to cancel in a few days, but idk, it should happen a lot. I think I might be able to get into some college this year if I keep improving, even if it's something I don't like. I feel like I want to get better, something I haven't felt since May last year, when I gave up. That's it. Peace :)

 

[MoonlitNight]

I am feeling a little better. Maybe it is the return of the pills. For the first time in a while I feel that I am alive. I am very afraid of what will happen if I tell the doctor about everything that happened last year. The appointment isn't until the 30th, so I still have time to think. Despite the improvements, I feel unstable. In the morning I am super pessimistic, feel like I am about to cry and have an almost unbearable pain in my chest, but after a few hours I feel better. I suspect the reason for this is that my medication is " delayed release" and meant to be released little by little into the bloodstream, so it would make sense that in the morning I would feel worse. This may be wrong as I sometimes feel bad even after I have gotten better during the day. I think I'll take half the dose for another day or two to see how much better I feel and depending on the result I'll increase it. I stopped the caffeine and I don't think there is anything left in my body. The night of the 14th (or maybe the 15th) I slept very badly, as if I had just had a cup of coffee, and this makes sense, since I was about to have an overdose, so I took medicine to sleep (something I am avoiding doing because it makes me sleepy the next day, and the reason I stopped taking medicine is precisely to be more alert), but oddly enough I also slept very badly last night, so maybe it's not the coffee. I had a meeting today with someone from the preparatory course I signed up for. I'm not sure what I thought. It is a bit wrong of me to do this, since I plan to cancel in a few days, but idk, it should happen a lot. I think I might be able to get into some college this year if I keep improving, even if it's something I don't like. I feel like I want to get better, something I haven't felt since May last year, when I gave up. That's it. Peace :)

Hiii I'm glad you're still on the path to recovery.. pretty sure this has been said a lot of times but recovery really isn't a linear line haha..

I really don't think you should tinker with your dosage since it is prescribed in accordance with your diagnosis..
I came back here after a while too so here we are.. sorry i dont have anything to end on a lighter note either

Hope you find harmony with yourself

 

[That's Not Me]

And here I am again to continue to whine about life, while trying to get better. I love writing here not only because I can get the anguish off my chest, but also because these ventings are representations of how I am at a certain period. I wish I had done this when I was well. There is very little left in my memory of the beautiful things I thought about life. Anyway, as I always say, this was not necessarily written to be read, but I appreciate whoever decides to do it.
Things are getting harder every day. Every time a spark of optimism flashes in my head, my heart quickly prevents it from igniting any fire. The last time I spoke here I commented that I intended to talk about my situation with my psychiatrist. I did this on March 30. It was difficult and didn't go as planned. I had made a whole script in my head of what to talk about, but I stayed about 10 minutes in silence building up courage and could hardly speak, and I didn't say everything I planned to. She was professional, she assured me that she would not say anything to my parents and that she thought it was good that I had told her. At the time I wrote my last statement I was completely desperate for help. I had never felt such a strong pain in my chest. At the time I went to the psychiatrist, however, there was not so much pain in my chest. Not because the pain wasn't there, but because I was self-medicating and was too drugged up to feel anything. Maybe this is why she didn't think I was that bad. I told her that I didn't want to be stuffed with medicine anymore and that I was not happy with the dosage I was taking. She agreed to lower the dose by half. The first few days that I lowered the dose I didn't feel that much difference, but now it is very noticeable. The pain came back yesterday and is stronger today. I didn't want the medicine to get in the way of my studies for a college application, but now maybe the chest pain is what is keeping me from studying. When I decided to tell about my situation I did so because the pain was unbearable and because I understood that if I really wanted to give life another chance, this might be the last moment that I would have air in my lungs to scream for help. Now I feel that I am running out of air and that no one is listening to me. I haven't told my parents, so of course this, plus the improvement from when I was taking too much medication, makes my mother think that I am fine. She doesn't like the idea of spending money on therapy, so it's been a lot of work to convince her without telling her of my real needs.
I am putting all my chips on giving life another chance, but for the first time since I decided to live, I consider ctb as a future way out. Last year, as I said a few times, I didn't feel any pain. My decision to ctb was made from logical reasoning that led to the conclusion that I was not made for life. It was almost purely philosophical suffering. This year is different, if I ctb it will be because I have exhausted my energies in trying again and this will be the only way to end the pain. It's not as if the philosophical suffering of last year is over, it has just begun to materialize physically in my chest. It is a pain that I cannot express in words how much it hurts. It hurts to know that the only reason I want to live is to not make my parents suffer, it hurts to know that I have no purpose beyond my parents, it hurts to know that my life will be made up of susceptible failures, it hurts to know that I study to get into a college that I don't like, it hurts to know that I have no one, it hurts to do for others what they would never do for me, it hurts to be completely alone, it hurts to be doing all this for my dad and still not be able to tell him that I love him, it hurts to have a fucked up personality and not be able to talk to people and most of all, even more than these and all the other pains I haven't told you about, it hurts to know that even if I manage to resist this pain now, I will probably kill myself in the next few years when I find out in practice that I don't like life. My goal this year is to get into college, and if everything goes as well as possible, once I get in and start living with people I will probably feel lonelier than I have ever felt and that I won't be able to resist anymore. That is the biggest pain: knowing that all of this is inevitably in vain.
On march 17 i sent a message to a girl on this forum thanking her for coming to talk to me after i failed in ctb last year. I hadn't talked to anyone in months, with the exception of my parents, supermarket employees and my grandmother, a single time the day before my attempt, so it was nice to talk to another human being to comfort me on that day when I had to pretend to others that everything was ok. I started the conversation by saying thank you, and we have been talking almost every day since then. It does me a lot of good. I genuinely care about her anxieties and worry about her being okay. It gives me some motivation when I get out of bed. I enjoy listening to her talk about her day-to-day life and her problems, even though I don't consider myself a good counselor. It is also nice to have someone to talk to who is not being paid to do so. In the past year I have often caught myself thinking "I might be the least interesting person I know", since I don't have much interest or knowledge in anything, so I was convinced that I would never be able to sustain a conversation with someone, and talking to this person proves to me that I might be able to. I can even talk about some things, and this gives me hope that one day I might be able to overcome my shyness and get back to talking to old school friends. She seems to have many friends, and this brings me comfort. Of course there are negative things about this: the person I have messaged the most in the last 5 years and the only person outside my family that I care about is someone I met on a suicide forum. That is depressing. I'm also afraid that if we keep talking she might start caring about me the same way I care about her, and that could hurt her since I'm suicidal and there are already enough people for me to hurt when I eventually ctb.
I was supposed to start studying in the middle of March, but I didn't start until April. Even then it is still hard to study without a goal. One big distress I felt last month was not knowing what college I wanted to go to. I already know more or less what I want. I saw a comment on youtube from a guy saying that his profession pays well and at that moment I decided that I would probably do Computer Science. This question still causes me anguish, but not as much as before. I am not as committed to my studies as I should be, and this does distress me. Right now I should be studying chemistry and here I am writing to people I don't know in a suicide forum.

Anyway, that's it for today. If I think of anything I'll come back here and add to it. It does me a lot of good. I start writing with pain in my chest, but I finish much more relaxed. It is a free therapy session. If you've been crazy enough to read this far, th thanks... I guess? Have a great day :)