Venting My 'timeslot' for 2019 is coming up

[BaconCheeseburger]

Towards the end of 2018, I decided that the ideal time to CTB would be between Feb and April/May. It's far enough from Christmas/New Year and before any family birthdays start.

Over Christmas I felt better and took hiatus from SS. Now I feel kinda bad so I'm back, but that timeslot is coming up and I don't know how I'll feel by then/if I'd be ready to CTB at that point.

I wouldn't just kill myself because the right time is coming up, but if I see how it goes and May passes then the next best time would be Feb-May 2020. I could end up in a yes-no-yes-no cycle, where I keep missing that slot. Obviously no-one can predict how I'll be by then, but the idea is kind of scary.

There's no hard rule saying I have to kill myself during those months, but June/July are birthday months, as are November/December. There is August to Oct, but if I want to do partial suspension and I end up doing it outside (I don't have a location) then I'd rather not do it in the cold where I'll suffer even more beforehand (maybe that's just me being fussy though).

I feel pretty upset this evening. Don't really know what to think of it.

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'm sad that you're feeling upset - I'll like to reach through the space and offer you a drink and and a hug. Xx

 

[21Neberg]

You shouldn't force yourself to CTB. You mentioned that you can't bang yourself in the cold outside - have you thought about finding a spot inside?

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

You shouldn't force yourself to CTB. You mentioned that you can't bang yourself in the cold outside - have you thought about finding a spot inside?

I have no idea where I'd do it, that's something I need to look into. That and I need to do my research on partial suspension. I got as far as writing my note out (which will now need updating) but I need to sit down and find out what makes hanging work.

 

[21Neberg]

I have no idea where I'd do it, that's something I need to look into. That and I need to do my research on partial suspension. I got as far as writing my note out (which will now need updating) but I need to sit down and find out what makes hanging work.

Well you're in luck - this beautiul site has plenty of [resource] megathreads that should have all the informatoon you require. Otherwise, feel free to ask. Best of luck, brother!

 

[Othermind]

I don't know how useful setting a date really is, a lot of unpredictable things can happen before or right on that day.
I'm of the idea that you "feel" when the time is right to ctb, so you just keep a reliable method at the ready and wait for that day to come.
I'm not sure how well it is for your sanity to have such an important deadline hanging over you either.

 

[RyanSuicide]

I have no idea where I'd do it, that's something I need to look into. That and I need to do my research on partial suspension. I got as far as writing my note out (which will now need updating) but I need to sit down and find out what makes hanging work.

I'm researching it now. Problem is people who have successfully hanged themselves cannot come back and tell us the details

 

[TAW122]

Yeah, I can sorta relate to what your saying. I was like that a few years ago and even last summer as well. Things went from just tolerable temporarily, to I just want to die (actively planning) then back to it's tolerable (for now), then rinse and repeat. It was also summer when I first lurked on this site for a while, then decided to join this site near end of August last year.

 

[511115]

Hey, someone who plans in cycles like me! I've always coordinated my plans with "timeslots." Professionals don't get why I waited so long to die if I've been suicidal since 14. It's that timeslot predicament where you have to wait for the next cycle if you miss your opportunity, or you put off a timeslot because things are temporarily bearable and then again have to cycle through.

Due to holidays and birthdays my most ideal time is Jan-March. It's a pretty narrow window.

I would say don't force yourself to hit that window if you don't feel 100% committed. When the time is right, you will find everything coming together. Sometimes you might even find yourself planning outside of your ideal timeslot, and you'll find that that's totally okay.

There are no rules to ctb, aside from don't get caught.