Venting My suicide will be selfish

[calavera]

I saw my father slowly dying from cancer. As a small child I needed to prepare for his inevitable funeral, when I didn't even know what death really was. And when I turned nine, that day finally came. I still remember it painfully well, especially the moment first thought of suicide crossed my mind.
From that point on I remember everything turning grey, my house in the new eary silence and little me, sitting in my room with all the material things that I wanted, but not a soul that was there for me.
The only source of happiness in our home was my baby sister. As I struggled more and more everyday, she continued to remind me how pure happiness looks like.
She's eight now, I'm eighteen. For the longest time I tried to isolate from her in order to minimize her grief as I eventually off myself. But when I started hearing her silently cry herself to sleep every night I saw my younger self. Now I'm the only one here for her. The only one that would listen and understand, because our mother can't.
But I really need to go. Despite trying almost everything to live a normal/ suferable life, I always find myself in the same void. I love her with all my heart, but this agony is way too painful to stay.

/ just needed to vent. It's really crushing me

 

[BornToFail]

I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. You sound like a good young person, caring for your sister. I want to give my thoughts but I don't want to seem pro-life. So I will just say I hope you find peace no matter what and make as many good memories with your baby sister as you can.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in and it must be really tiring. I understand that it can be so hard to carry on enduring this existence when you suffer so much and wish to be free from everything so badly. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're going through this. How come your mum won't listen or understand??

 

[Pluto]

It is very difficult for young children to face death of a parent, though over the long-term there should be some recovery if other factors are up to scratch. Things like career goals, friendships, relationships and community.

I feel like there might be something wrong with the home environment. Given your age, it is likely that there is neglect at home that you do not recognise because you don't know any different and assume it's 'normal'. As an example, you may have been through parentification in your relationship with your sister. It will help you immensely to gain clarity on where your feelings are actually coming from.

 

[BGooG]

I don't want to sound pro life, but you have given important meaning to your life by what you are doing for your sister. Maybe that can offset some of your pain?

 

[calavera]

Sorry you're going through this. How come your mum won't listen or understand??

I don't think she knows how to.. and at the end of the day, she still wants to see her daughters happy, but there's just something missing and no lectures, therapy or parenting books brought any change. My mother created this environment where she is so hard to reach emotionally, that I truly know barely anything about her childhood, likings etc.

It is very difficult for young children to face death of a parent, though over the long-term there should be some recovery if other factors are up to scratch. Things like career goals, friendships, relationships and community.

I feel like there might be something wrong with the home environment. Given your age, it is likely that there is neglect at home that you do not recognise because you don't know any different and assume it's 'normal'. As an example, you may have been through parentification in your relationship with your sister. It will help you immensely to gain clarity on where your feelings are actually coming from.

Thats a great theory you proposed. Thanks<3 but I let myself to distance from my sister, because I thought she had everything she needed since I was kind of conditioned to believe that just respect and financial stability in the family was enough.
My sisters feelings right now reminded me just how emotionally abandoned i felt and still feel
As I don't know much about my mom, can just speculate that she also had a problematic childhood, and learned how to deal with it by being unintentionally distant(

I don't want to sound pro life, but you have given important meaning to your life by what you are doing for your sister. Maybe that can offset some of your pain?

It definitely delayed my plans, but it's still not going to offset that pain for a long time:(

 

[fettuccinenoodle]

When I was younger my sister and I went through a lot. I wish we had someone who had gone through it or just understood to help us navigate our feelings or so we didn't feel so alone. My dad was bio polar and both my parents were alcohols and not around unless they were screaming at each other.

Could you be someone you wished you had, for her? Maybe it will help her not be so hurt as she gets older, maybe it will unlock some things within yourself to allow you to heal your inner child?

At least until the time comes

 

[SamTam33]

I don't know what it feels like to bury a parent. I know the phrase, "No parent should have to bury a child" infuriates the hell out of me.

It insinuates that it's preferable for a kid to bury their parent.

They've lived a life without us before. But we have known them our entire existence. So really... which is more cruel?

In any event, I find it admirable that you're considering your little sister. I identify with the struggle of trying to be of this world while said world is slowly killing you.

 

[Pluto]

As I don't know much about my mom, can just speculate that she also had a problematic childhood, and learned how to deal with it by being unintentionally distant

My mother was like this too. It's extremely likely that both our mothers were neglected in childhood and coped via emotional repression. I hope you don't mind me making a few suggestions based on my own life experience.

1) While your mother has done her best, had a difficult past, etc., it is OK if you feel anger at her for being unavailable and causing you all this grief. Anger is a healthier emotion because it takes you beyond the self-destruction of guilt and despair. You might even feel anger at your father for departing when he did. We undo our emotional repression by allowing our feelings to be as authentic as possible without burying them anymore. 'Good' emotions like compassion and acceptance can come at a later stage.

2) What has happened is not your fault so there is no need for you to be self-critical. You are not responsible for anybody else, including your sister, and in any case, the old aviation metaphor of put on your oxygen mask before helping others applies here. If I were your mentor, your first assignment would be to practice shameless self-care. Focus on your fitness, sports, hobbies, going out... whatever brings you enjoyment. Be selfish.

3) Long-term, there is a risk of you attracting people into your life (relationships, etc.) who are neglectful of your feelings. This happens because the nervous system craves what is familiar, even if it is harmful. It will also be very triggering because it will conjure memories of childhood neglect. It is important to be mindful of this and get support with finding appropriate boundaries, communicating your needs to others and choosing to be around people who are caring in nature in the first place.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It must be incredibly difficult trying to support your sister when you are struggling so much yourself.

Can I ask- is your sister close to anyone else? Are your grandparents still around and a part of your life?

I wish I knew what to say to help. I lost my Mum when I was 3 and while my Dad was very loving, I couldn't talk to him about her because he found it too upsetting. I think people do sometimes shut down emotionally in order to cope but that's no help to you.

I wonder if there are people you could get your sister in touch with to talk to. I guess 8 is quite young for therapy but any sympathetic teachers? Just to maybe say you're worried about her and think it might help her to have someone else to talk to.

I don't feel it's fair to say you should stick around to support her if you feel like you can't but maybe you would feel easier in your mind about it if your sister had more people to turn to. Of course- this shouldn't be your responsibility but sadly, we have to work with the cards we are dealt. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.