Venting My suicide partner got better and I haven’t

[moralfag]

Hello, I just recently joined, so I apologize if I am using this site incorrectly in any way ^_^" I am super awkward online as well, so it took me a long time to actually decide to post this.

I don't want to make this too long, I just need somewhere to rant about life without having to face scrutiny for feeling like this.
I turned 18 last month. I know this is supposed to be seen as an 'accomplishment' in life, however I have felt nothing but regret since my birthday. I never expected to make it to adulthood and I am ashamed that I have not ctb yet.
I have a stable job and am currently enrolled in school, yet at times I feel like I am still the 11 year old kid I was seven years ago. It feels like I haven't matured at all and that I am stuck behind everybody else no matter how hard I try to catch up.
Recently, my boyfriend admitted himself into the hospital. I have no qualms with this, I believe that him trying to get better is a beautiful thing and I wish him the best in his recovery. However, when admitting himself in, he told both his therapist and the police about my struggles (which I had shared with him personally after he promised to keep them secret).
This has ruined my life.
I am not sure what exactly was shared, yet I do know that he talked about my personal self harm and the harm he inflicted on me (consentually).
Me and him had cutting sessions together, and were even planning a double suicide, however I was under the impression that it was something he wanted to do. It took a whole month of him convincing me that he actually wanted to engage in cutting together for me to accept the gesture. I feel disgusted for doing this with him now, as he seems to tell anyone who asks about it without any consideration for how it will affect me.
I have had no contact with him since he was admitted (middle of last month).
Regardless, both this and my plan to ctb was exposed to his therapist and the police. Naturally, this information was shared with his parents, my parents, and my school district. I have since been kicked out of my Education Profession class (since they believe I am not safe to be around kids in a teaching role due to me being "a threat to myself"). I have been forced into online schooling for my classes and have also been forced into therapy.
My parents are ashamed of me. Before this, they had zero knowledge of my self harm or my plan to ctb. Now they see me as a liability. I know I am using up their money on useless therapy, but I wish they could see that I don't want this either.
My only option now is to ctb. I'm done with everything. I knew it would end this way for as long as I can remember, but this year I genuinely began to believe things could get better for me. I had a boyfriend, a job, classes that I liked, and was beginning to feel like I was finally "maturing". It just makes my decision to end it feel disappointing.
I have always wanted to ctb, so I have never felt this way before, even during my previous attempt. Yet now it feels wrong in a way. Not that I don't want to do it, just that I could have had something more from life.
Now that everything has happened and I no longer have "more from life" I feel disappointed that in the end nothing really changed. I tried so hard to get "better", I put so much effort in and it was all for nothing. I never did get better and I never will. That is my harsh reality.
Sometimes I feel like it was better before I had anything worth living for, because it just hurts so much more when I lose everything.
I'm not sure if any of this made sense; even if it didn't it feels refreshing to be able to say this before I attempt again. Much love to all of you.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

Welcome to SaSu. This is a safe place for vulnerable people including you to share and vent feelings without being treated as if criminals. Thank you for telling us your story. I'm truly sorry you've been through this. It's outrageous that your privacy and diginity have been trampled down just because you are suicidal or doing self-harm. They are actually driving you to the worst place in the name of "suicide prevention." There are lots of people here who had the same or similar experience and got hurt badly by the system. I hope you find some relief in this site and finally get released from all the distress. Much love

 

[moralfag]

Welcome to SaSu. This is a safe place for vulnerable people including you to share and vent feelings without being treated as if criminals. Thank you for telling us your story. I'm truly sorry you've been through this. It's outrageous that your privacy and diginity have been trampled down just because you are suicidal or doing self-harm. They are actually driving you to the worst place in the name of "suicide prevention." There are lots of people here who had the same or similar experience and got hurt badly by the system. I hope you find some relief in this site and finally get released from all the distress. Much love

Thank you very much ^_^ I am glad to have found a place where I can talk freely without the constant fear of hospitalization or forced recovery. I appreciate your reply!!

 

[TheHolySword]

I tried to kill myself before I was 18. I tried after I turned 18. Both times I was determined that it could get better. That I could get better. I did everything. I tried everything. Spent so much of my parents money and time. My money and time. Sometimes. it just doesn't get better. 10 years later, I find myself in the same place as you. I'm not here to say that it won't get better, it certainly can get better. I don't want to be a testimony that you'll find yourself in the same place. I'm sure you've heard it all, that you're still young and you still have time. It's true. You don't have to be like me. You can still be more. I think you should take these resources and do absolutely everything you can with them.

 

[moralfag]

I tried to kill myself before I was 18. I tried after I turned 18. Both times I was determined that it could get better. That I could get better. I did everything. I tried everything. Spent so much of my parents money and time. My money and time. Sometimes. it just doesn't get better. 10 years later, I find myself in the same place as you. I'm not here to say that it won't get better, it certainly can get better. I don't want to be a testimony that you'll find yourself in the same place. I'm sure you've heard it all, that you're still young and you still have time. It's true. You don't have to be like me. You can still be more. I think you should take these resources and do absolutely everything you can with them.

I appreciate your reply, and I am both glad and disappointed that you can relate (glad that I am not alone, disappointed that someone else has to go through this). I have been stuck on the edge of deciding whether I want to stick around for a bit longer to test the waters and see if I am truly capable of getting better, or whether I wish to end it all now. My greatest fear is that after I try to get better I will realize it was all in vain and I am incapable of feeling any other way, and sometimes this scares me more than simply feeling depressed my whole life. I attempted recovery once before, but quit after I began to feel that it was hopeless; if I rejected help I could delude myself into thinking "I'm capable of getting better, I just don't have the help to!" Instead of facing the reality of me being unable to get better even with help.
I hope whichever I decide to go through with allows me peace, and I wish that whatever happens in your life you are allowed peace too. Thank you once more for your reply ! ^_^

 

[TheHolySword]

I appreciate your reply, and I am both glad and disappointed that you can relate (glad that I am not alone, disappointed that someone else has to go through this). I have been stuck on the edge of deciding whether I want to stick around for a bit longer to test the waters and see if I am truly capable of getting better, or whether I wish to end it all now. My greatest fear is that after I try to get better I will realize it was all in vain and I am incapable of feeling any other way, and sometimes this scares me more than simply feeling depressed my whole life. I attempted recovery once before, but quit after I began to feel that it was hopeless; if I rejected help I could delude myself into thinking "I'm capable of getting better, I just don't have the help to!" Instead of facing the reality of me being unable to get better even with help.
I hope whichever I decide to go through with allows me peace, and I wish that whatever happens in your life you are allowed peace too. Thank you once more for your reply ! ^_^

I understand your fear. I will say this: I don't regret trying to get better. I made memories for the people I love most in that time. I showed them resources they would have been too ashamed to access otherwise. Was it vain? Maybe. I never got better. But I never would have known if I never tried. Whatever you choose, this community will be here when you need support. I wish you all the peace in the world

 

[ungodly]

i wish i could think of something more concise to say but i really, truly know how ur feeling right now since i'm the same age and in almost the exact same boat rn.

i've been chronically suicidal for upwards of 7 or 8 years now, and thats just since i've been able to fully grasp the concept of killing myself. i've been suffering and opposed to being alive for much longer than that. my family knows, friends know, doctors know, but i think they're all just growing tired of it. at a certain point you become used to the presence of death looming in your mind, but that doesn't make it any more/less predictable or you less miserable. i tried to ctb last year and that was probably one of the most traumatic instances of my life, even tho i'm pretty desensitized to the thought of attempting again.

in an ideal world, the people we've been conditioned to look to for support would actually be empathetic and understanding but i guess we just don't live in that world. people always seem to forget that nobody chose this, nobody signed up for this shit. you don't deserve to lose all that you've worked for or to be treated like an animal just for living with the shit you have no control over.

idk how much of that made any sense but basically man i see you and i feel the same way. i wish we didn't have to be treated like criminals for seeking a way out. i rlly hope you're able to find solace in your situation some day, my thoughts are with you man.

 

[moralfag]

i wish i could think of something more concise to say but i really, truly know how ur feeling right now since i'm the same age and in almost the exact same boat rn.

i've been chronically suicidal for upwards of 7 or 8 years now and thats just since i've been able to fully grasp the concept of killing myself, i've been suffering and opposed to being alive for much longer than that. my family knows, friends know, doctors know, but i think they're all just growing tired of it. at a certain point you become used the presence of death looming in your mind, but that doesn't make it any more/less predictable or you less miserable. i tried to ctb last year and that was probably one of the most traumatic instances of my life, even tho i'm pretty desensitized to the thought of attempting again.

in an ideal world, the people we've been conditioned to look to for support would actually be empathetic and understanding but i guess we just don't live in that world. people always seem to forget that nobody chose this, nobody signed up for this shit. you don't deserve to lose all that you've worked for or to be treated like an animal just for living with the shit you have no control over.

idk how much of that made any sense but basically man i see you and i feel the same way. i wish we didn't have to be treated like criminals for seeking a way out. i rlly hope you're able to find solace in your situation some day, my thoughts are with you man.

I'm sorry you have to go through this as well, it truly sucks. And don't worry about saying something more concise, you put the feeling perfectly into words.
I've have felt suicidal for as long as I can remember, even before I knew what suicide was, just like you. It was always just this looming, empty feeling that I had no words to describe. For some reason, everybody around me seems to label this feeling as something "criminal", like the person bearing the feeling is in some way wrong or immoral. I'm sorry the people around you are the same way, people can be so cruel to those who don't fit into the perfect emotional mold.
I'm glad you took the time to reply though, it gives me a little bit of hope (? I think that's the right word) to know that there are people out there like me, and knowing that they won't try to ostracize me for the way I feel.
May you also find solace in wherever life takes you, my thoughts are with you as well, and I wish the best for you ^_^

 

[Lycoris]

Hello, I just recently joined, so I apologize if I am using this site incorrectly in any way ^_^" I am super awkward online as well, so it took me a long time to actually decide to post this.

I don't want to make this too long, I just need somewhere to rant about life without having to face scrutiny for feeling like this.
I turned 18 last month. I know this is supposed to be seen as an 'accomplishment' in life, however I have felt nothing but regret since my birthday. I never expected to make it to adulthood and I am ashamed that I have not ctb yet.
I have a stable job and am currently enrolled in school, yet at times I feel like I am still the 11 year old kid I was seven years ago. It feels like I haven't matured at all and that I am stuck behind everybody else no matter how hard I try to catch up.
Recently, my boyfriend admitted himself into the hospital. I have no qualms with this, I believe that him trying to get better is a beautiful thing and I wish him the best in his recovery. However, when admitting himself in, he told both his therapist and the police about my struggles (which I had shared with him personally after he promised to keep them secret).
This has ruined my life.
I am not sure what exactly was shared, yet I do know that he talked about my personal self harm and the harm he inflicted on me (consentually).
Me and him had cutting sessions together, and were even planning a double suicide, however I was under the impression that it was something he wanted to do. It took a whole month of him convincing me that he actually wanted to engage in cutting together for me to accept the gesture. I feel disgusted for doing this with him now, as he seems to tell anyone who asks about it without any consideration for how it will affect me.
I have had no contact with him since he was admitted (middle of last month).
Regardless, both this and my plan to ctb was exposed to his therapist and the police. Naturally, this information was shared with his parents, my parents, and my school district. I have since been kicked out of my Education Profession class (since they believe I am not safe to be around kids in a teaching role due to me being "a threat to myself"). I have been forced into online schooling for my classes and have also been forced into therapy.
My parents are ashamed of me. Before this, they had zero knowledge of my self harm or my plan to ctb. Now they see me as a liability. I know I am using up their money on useless therapy, but I wish they could see that I don't want this either.
My only option now is to ctb. I'm done with everything. I knew it would end this way for as long as I can remember, but this year I genuinely began to believe things could get better for me. I had a boyfriend, a job, classes that I liked, and was beginning to feel like I was finally "maturing". It just makes my decision to end it feel disappointing.
I have always wanted to ctb, so I have never felt this way before, even during my previous attempt. Yet now it feels wrong in a way. Not that I don't want to do it, just that I could have had something more from life.
Now that everything has happened and I no longer have "more from life" I feel disappointed that in the end nothing really changed. I tried so hard to get "better", I put so much effort in and it was all for nothing. I never did get better and I never will. That is my harsh reality.
Sometimes I feel like it was better before I had anything worth living for, because it just hurts so much more when I lose everything.
I'm not sure if any of this made sense; even if it didn't it feels refreshing to be able to say this before I attempt again. Much love to all of you.

I just want to say first of all, i'm so sorry that your parents had that reaction to your mental health. The fact that they feel ashamed rather than having this be a wake up call to be there for you says a lot about who they are as people. I also really relate to the title in general because I had the same pact with a friend I made in the psych ward many years ago. She got help from the government in the form of welfare, help from friends in the form of social support and I got absolutely nothing. Still struggling to even feed myself and keep a roof over my head while she's in a relationship, losing weight and everytime we talk I can see how much shes healed and how carefree and stress free she is with the proper support. I hate that theres no good reason why our lives ended up so differently but here we are... I also went through hell and back just to become stable enough to have an apartment and a full time job but find myself in the same exact place I was years ago. I just hope you find peace wherever life takes you next whether it goes sucessfully or not. I hope you know you're not alone in the exact feelings you have right now and that theyre understandable given everything that has happened.

 

[moralfag]

I just want to say first of all, i'm so sorry that your parents had that reaction to your mental health. The fact that they feel ashamed rather than having this be a wake up call to be there for you says a lot about who they are as people. I also really relate to the title in general because I had the same pact with a friend I made in the psych ward many years ago. She got help from the government in the form of welfare, help from friends in the form of social support and I got absolutely nothing. Still struggling to even feed myself and keep a roof over my head while she's in a relationship, losing weight and everytime we talk I can see how much shes healed and how carefree and stress free she is with the proper support. I hate that theres no good reason why our lives ended up so differently but here we are... I also went through hell and back just to become stable enough to have an apartment and a full time job but find myself in the same exact place I was years ago. I just hope you find peace wherever life takes you next whether it goes sucessfully or not. I hope you know you're not alone in the exact feelings you have right now and that theyre understandable given everything that has happened.

Wow, I relate to this so much. My suicide partner also received help while I was left on my own. It's one of the worst feelings, it feels wrong to hate him for it (because I could never hate someone for wanting to get better), but there is this jealousy that always consumes me whenever I think of him. Friends, welfare, parental support, all the things I would do anything to have. It's so funny how two people in the same situation can be treated so differently. I'm very sorry you got the short end of the stick as well. Maybe sometime in the future people will truly be given equal opportunities.
Thank you for your kind words, posting here made me realize there are other people out there who feel like me and can truly understand my situation. I appreciate your reply so much, I have never felt this seen in my life.
No matter where life takes you, please know that I am wishing the best for you, and that I hope you are able to find peace in whatever happens.