My suicide note. Give Me Your Thoughts...

[lovemelovemenot]

I will probably have this deleted before I ctb, in fears of someone tracing it online back to this account and fourm, but before that I wanted to share it with you all. For feedback, thoughts and whatever else. My intentions were to lesson the blow as much as I could while also being as truthful as possible. I haven't had the best life, the best friends, or the best relationships with my family for complicated reasons, but I know they will still be hurt by this decision and I wanted to direct my reasonings elsewhere. Please let me know what you think.

To my Family and Friends,

If you are reading this that means I have succeeded in taking my own life, and have passed away.

Someone once told me that life is about doing what is best for yourself. Unfortunately to some, what I found best for myself is to end it. I want to start off by saying that I am sorry. I would never want to intentionally hurt anyone, but this decision I've made is the only way I can be truly free.

The big question is: why? Well honestly, I could probably write a novel about the depths of my reasoning, the ins and outs of my mind and the determing factor in this all. However, I do not want to make this extremely long. Though I cannot stress enough that NOTHING and NO ONE could have prevented this from happening. Nor was this something I chose to do in the heat of the moment, or in a random act of irrationality. Again, I truly am sorry it had to come to this. But I simply cannot continue existing in a life I am not living. I hope you all can understand, and one day forgive me.

So in short...I am not happy. I am not happy with myself, with who I am, and I am especially not happy with this world. I haven't been for almost as long as I can remember. And the gap between who I am now and who I truly want to be, the gap between the life I have and the life I want is far too great to close by any efforts I could make. And believe me when I say I have made efforts. It's not as simple as just not having financial freedom, or not liking my outwards appearance. It's my inability to relate to people. To make connections or bonds. It's the lack of self I have. I do not feel like I have character, or that I am my own person. I've never had a calling, passion, talent, or any redeeming quality that might make myself feel more whole. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I've always felt like an outsider looking in. Like a background character in the lives around me. This has caused me to feel extremely lonely, no matter who I'm around or where I am at.

That would be my biggest reason. As I said earlier, I am not happy with this world or how life is supposed to be. This world is ran by selfishness and greed. You graduate school, and go to more school and/or work and pay bills until you die. I cannot seem to find a reason to stick through it. My family and friends have kept me around this long, but when you feel so unhappy and alone every moment of every day, what is your life if only lived for others? I wouldn't call that living. I would call that existing; slowly becoming a shell of a human. I don't want to diminish anyone's will to live by saying any of this, and I hope I don't. But whatever it is that people have found or have inside of them to just accept life for what it is and keep going, I do not have and cannot seem to find.

I am thankful for those who have been around for me through these rough years. I am thankful for my brothers for always telling me to keep my head up and keep moving. I am thankful for my parents for doing their best and sacrificing peices of themselves and their lives to give us the best they could. No one should blame themselves. I hope you all have a good life, and know that I will finally be at peace wherever I may go.

No ones asks to be brought into this world; no one should have to stay if they do not see it fit.

Take care, and goodbye.

After that I included some details of people I would like informed, and reminders to take care of some of the people I am leaving behind. I'm not ctb for a bit, but I wanted to have it ready for when I ultimately do. Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.

 

[BlueWidow]

It seems like a very well thought out note to me. I thank you for allowing us to read it. I originally didn't intend to leave a note, but members on here have pointed out that leaving a note can at least provide people with the answer to why you ctb, as well as allowing you to assure loved ones that there was nothing they could've done to stop you. This made me change my mind.
I've spent all weekend trying to write my note. I'm trying to be as logical & unemotional as possible, but it's really hard. I didn't realise it would be this difficult.
I think you covered all the main objectives of a suicide note very well. I particularly like the part where you say: whatever it is that people have found or have inside of them to just accept life for what it is and keep going, I do not have and cannot seem to find.
I can definitely relate to that.
So, do you feel better or relieved to have your notes finished?

 

[lovemelovemenot]

@BlueWidow Thank you for your response. It took me awhile to write this note actually, so if you're not trying to ctb soon I wouldn't worry about it being perfect right now. I've scrapped a lot of versions, rewritten and gone over mine multiple times over the course of a few weeks, probably longer. I didn't force myself to sit down and write it, just jotted down what came to mind every once and awhile until I had something I was okay with. Even then, I still might add or reword a few things. These are going to be my final words to this world and I wanted to make sure my message came across as clear as possible. I do feel relieved that I have it done though. Whenever my time comes I will not be rushed into writing something that may leave a bad taste behind. And it feels like one more box is crossed off the checklist of things to do before I go. If you can, take your time and just jot somethings down every once and awhile until you have something to build off of. Goodluck to you and thanks again.

 

[BlueWidow]

@BlueWidow Thank you for your response. It took me awhile to write this note actually, so if you're not trying to ctb soon I wouldn't worry about it being perfect right now. I've scrapped a lot of versions, rewritten and gone over mine multiple times over the course of a few weeks, probably longer. I didn't force myself to sit down and write it, just jotted down what came to mind every once and awhile until I had something I was okay with. Even then, I still might add or reword a few things. These are going to be my final words to this world and I wanted to make sure my message came across as clear as possible. I do feel relieved that I have it done though. Whenever my time comes I will not be rushed into writing something that may leave a bad taste behind. And it feels like one more box is crossed off the checklist of things to do before I go. If you can, take your time and just jot somethings down every once and awhile until you have something to build off of. Goodluck to you and thanks again.

Thanks for the great suggestions! I'll do that. I've still about time left, so I'll follow your advice.

 

[not4us]

looks perfect to me

 

[bornsinner]

just delete the browsing history. you don't have to delete very everything

 

[Azzy69]

It's perfect

 

[Puddings]

I am touched by your note. I think that you could have basically written it for me, there is so much I relate to that I can not put into words. I hope it was almost therapeutic for you to write it and to try and make sense of the senselessness. Thank you for sharing it. It feels to me like there are a quite a few people you care about deeply that you would want them to be ok after and want them (or even need) them to understand why you made this choice, rather than resent you. It struck me, that if only people could read this before, really understand and have empathy for the harsh reality of our world , what a gift it could be if they could let you (or any of us) go with their blessing, support and love. Why live if its only for others you ask. And I feel that way too. They say ctb is selfish, but surely forcing someone into a life of suffering for yourself is selfish?

 

[seekingoblivion]

You wouldn't mind if I plagiarized 95% of your note and used it to compose my own, would you?

 

[lovemelovemenot]

just delete the browsing history. you don't have to delete very everything

I'm worried about any googling or anything. I know it's unlikely but still want to be sure. But I will do that also

I am touched by your note. I think that you could have basically written it for me, there is so much I relate to that I can not put into words. I hope it was almost therapeutic for you to write it and to try and make sense of the senselessness. Thank you for sharing it. It feels to me like there are a quite a few people you care about deeply that you would want them to be ok after and want them (or even need) them to understand why you made this choice, rather than resent you. It struck me, that if only people could read this before, really understand and have empathy for the harsh reality of our world , what a gift it could be if they could let you (or any of us) go with their blessing, support and love. Why live if its only for others you ask. And I feel that way too. They say ctb is selfish, but surely forcing someone into a life of suffering for yourself is selfish?

Thank you for this. It was a bit therapeutic in a odd sense. I feel like I finally have the right words to express how I have felt all this time. I also wish I could let them know before, but I know they would not understand or accept it and try their hardest to get me to stay so it has to be this way. I'm a very emphathetic person, and regardless of what anyone has done or how they treated me I still don't want them to have any guilt when I cross over. Because it is 100% my choice.

You wouldn't mind if I plagiarized 95% of your note and used it to compose my own, would you?

Haha, honeslty I wouldn't mind if you used mine for ideas or to help aid you in writing yours, but I think suicide notes are very personal and they should be. I spent awhile trying to find the right words and way to phrase certain things, and had a lot of people specific to me in mind while writing it. I can't stop you of course, but I think it would be best for you if you really looked inside and took the time to write your own from scratch.

 

[ManWithNoName]

Quite an articulate note—especially when you mention the go-to-university-get-into-debt-be-a-slave-you're-whole-life factor which, along with the fragmentation caused by social media, plays a major role for many who are evaluating this whole Human experience thing.

There is a Tedx video I posted here at SS that was presented by Steve Illardi (spelled?) whose talk points to the technological changes in society as the principle factors causing the most anxiety and depression. Let's add in the shift to globalism and fast evolving ai which is creating an ever more competitive work environment, like a Tsunami, washing away the redeeming qualities life used to offer. It comes as no surprise that many get nostalgic and yearn for those years gone by, an era before we needed a smartphone or computer to function.

I also concur too that a sense of connection to society is needed that results in both admiration and respect and to some level, of monetary gain.

My apologies for going off on a tangent here, but OP's note represents the summit of the things that prompts an individual to say "WTF?....Enough already!"

"No ones asks to be brought into this world; no one should have to stay if they do not see it fit."

If there as an afterlife, more specifically, an afterlife with a divine creator who takes issue with any mortal who carries out self deliverance, well I'll have a few questions myself with the Almighty: such as why this great experience didn't come with an obvious instruction manual on how to negotiate and make one's way through this Human event.

With all due respect to the cosmos, should it take issue with my self deliverance, all I can say is that it will have some explaining to do to me when my time finally comes.

 

[MeltingHeart]

It's a lovely (not sure if that is the right word to use in this context- but I can't think of more appropriate one) letter. It's reflective, rational, kind & well-considered. I especially can relate to the bit about the gap between who you wanted to be & the life you wanted to lead & your reality & how it's too great to close that gap. I feel exactly the same- it gives a simply, insightful and clear logic to how you may feel- even though some people will always find it hard to understand that it could ever be a logical conclusion. I think it will offer those that read it a good level of understanding whilst providing them with some sense of solace in their grief & ability to be forgiving of your choice.

 

[Fragile]

this is a great note, i really like the part where you mentioned that nothing could have prevented it and they way you make your point about it being a rational decision is just perfect, this is something that i have always wanted to put in my own note too.

one can really tell that you spent a lot of time crafting the perfect note with the exact words you wanted.

 

[Hank]

Good note. Well done, you pretty much described me, heh.... On a serious note, It's short and to the point.