mentalhealthfighter
Lets win together
- Jun 15, 2021
- 362
My depression is horrible. Life feels meaningless. Everything feels empty. Terrible mental suffering. I often lie in bed in pain. It's like my brain is numb to stimuli. My face also feels numb for some reason. I have no energy to do anything. I feel so unmotivated, I'd rather not even write this post. I've been suicidal for some time now. Sorry guys, you are going to find me a very weird individual. And I am. But here is my story and keep in mind I can't really do anything about the fact that I am the way that I am.
I became depressed around 2016. I was heavily into this game called 'Dota 2'. I would play it for 10-12 hours a day for years on end. I lost my friends and barely talked to my mom. Sometimes I didnt even eat. At some point I started to feel really numb. I got into therapy but wasn't getting anywhere. Once I quit the game, I started overthinking my life a lot. I couldn't chill out and kept thinking I had to be social for some reason. So I met up with some 'friends' and we started smoking. They gave me way too much and I started having a panic attack. I thought I was going to die. When I was home we called an ambulance and everything was fine. For weeks I had panic attacks and everytime I thought I was going to die. The ambulance came for a second time and this time I was taken to the hospital because it seemed like something was wrong with my heart. Well, there was no problem. I also had panic attacks at school which caused psychosis because I could see random shadows. I also thought I was Neo in the matrix for some reason. They put me in a rehab. Through therapy I was able to overcome my panic attacks. I made some friends in rehab and became more social. I was really bad socially because of all the time spent behind my computer. I felt like I lost myself and I started really overthinking about how to find myself. I started overthinking my depression and how to overcome it. I really wasn't being myself anymore and became neurotic as fuck.
First I thought spirituality was the pathway to happiness. I watched a lot of spiritual vids, had a spiritual awakening after looking deeper within myself, etc. I also had a kundalini awakening where there was energy running up my spine. I know it sounds fucking crazy but please don't dismiss it as some woowoo shit. This really happened to me and I'm 100% certain it wasnt psychosis. I just don't believe my brain is able to hallucinate such a thing. Basically when I started doing self-inquiry (Asking questions like: Who am I? Am I the body? Am I the mind? etc) I started to become hypomanic. I felt very peaceful and euphoric. Music sounded like heaven. I thought this was the start of something great. I came to the conclusion that I am the consciousness behind my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. This is also what Eckhart Tolle teaches. Later that day I looked in the mirror and said to my consciousness 'I love you'. I gained an immense amount of energy, had the spiritual experience and became manic. Ever since then I have been bipolar. I had this plan in my mind that I was going to change the world. I found out there was more the world than materialism and I was chosen. Again I was put in rehab and they gave me antipsychotics. Soon my mania died off. For a long time I had this plan in my mind to do a lot of research about the world and spiritual topics and to 'crack the matrix'. But when rubber met the road, I lost motivation. It was too much work. I thought it was going to make me happy but it wasnt. After that I had a new idea on how to find happiness: I had to be as social as possible. If I just worked on my social skills and met up with friends as much as possible, that would make me happy. I met up with this girl and got disappointed. After that I became really suicidal. A crisisteam had to come to my house.
I think my depression got worse after psychosis. Basically what happened was, I became too spiritual, was lost mentally and wanted guidance. I started believing some higher power was giving me messages through the TV and my mom. At some point I thought I was manifesting my thoughts into the world. It became really scary when I wasnt allowed to think certain things. I thought I was getting paralyzed because I wasnt allowed to think about it. This happened when I didnt sleep for 2 days. In the end I thought I was God and shit blablabla. Also at some point I thought the universe was going to kill me. I was paranoid as fuck. So yeah, I've had really weird psychosis. Fortunately this also stopped. Not sure if it went away on its own or because I took antipsychotics.
But as you can see, I was really confused with life. I wasn't in the right state of mind. Even my friends said I was confused.
I was placed in rehab for the third time for some other psychosis. But with this psychosis I was fully aware that it wasnt real and I was just playing along.
As you can read, I'm a really mentally disturbed person. I mean, I'm stable now in terms of psychosis. But now my problem is depression.
This isn't even the full story. Maybe I should write a book about it. Probably not because people will think I'm nuts.
I'd really like to recover from depression. But I'm not sure if recovery is a reality for me. My brain tells me there is no hope of it getting better. I will soon get intensive home supervision and will talk to a bipolar professor and a psychologist. I was in a psych ward for 2 weeks because I said I wanted to jump from my 5 stories high apartment building. I wasn't really going to do it but it was more like a cry for help. The police came over, we had a talk and they transported me through ambulance to the psych ward. For some reason they couldn't move me with a policecar. First I was put in a closed setting, then they moved me to an open one. That meant I could go outside. For some reason I had days where I didn't sleep and felt even worse. Like the lowest of lows. Hell on earth. I would call my mom and threaten her with finding a nearby train and ending it. The relationship between me and my mom has really gone downhill. All I talk to her about is wanting to die, my pain, wanting euthanasia, asking if she can help me kill myself, etc.
So yeah idk just wanted to share that with you guys. Sorry if its all over the place, I have to go right now. What I want to say is, I hope that I can still recover and live a normal life. Maybe therapy will get me sorted out. Maybe medication will do it. if neither, I'm gonna have to go for euthanasia. Thanks for reading guys.
Also after finding out nothing was going to make me happy I became even more depressed
I became depressed around 2016. I was heavily into this game called 'Dota 2'. I would play it for 10-12 hours a day for years on end. I lost my friends and barely talked to my mom. Sometimes I didnt even eat. At some point I started to feel really numb. I got into therapy but wasn't getting anywhere. Once I quit the game, I started overthinking my life a lot. I couldn't chill out and kept thinking I had to be social for some reason. So I met up with some 'friends' and we started smoking. They gave me way too much and I started having a panic attack. I thought I was going to die. When I was home we called an ambulance and everything was fine. For weeks I had panic attacks and everytime I thought I was going to die. The ambulance came for a second time and this time I was taken to the hospital because it seemed like something was wrong with my heart. Well, there was no problem. I also had panic attacks at school which caused psychosis because I could see random shadows. I also thought I was Neo in the matrix for some reason. They put me in a rehab. Through therapy I was able to overcome my panic attacks. I made some friends in rehab and became more social. I was really bad socially because of all the time spent behind my computer. I felt like I lost myself and I started really overthinking about how to find myself. I started overthinking my depression and how to overcome it. I really wasn't being myself anymore and became neurotic as fuck.
First I thought spirituality was the pathway to happiness. I watched a lot of spiritual vids, had a spiritual awakening after looking deeper within myself, etc. I also had a kundalini awakening where there was energy running up my spine. I know it sounds fucking crazy but please don't dismiss it as some woowoo shit. This really happened to me and I'm 100% certain it wasnt psychosis. I just don't believe my brain is able to hallucinate such a thing. Basically when I started doing self-inquiry (Asking questions like: Who am I? Am I the body? Am I the mind? etc) I started to become hypomanic. I felt very peaceful and euphoric. Music sounded like heaven. I thought this was the start of something great. I came to the conclusion that I am the consciousness behind my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. This is also what Eckhart Tolle teaches. Later that day I looked in the mirror and said to my consciousness 'I love you'. I gained an immense amount of energy, had the spiritual experience and became manic. Ever since then I have been bipolar. I had this plan in my mind that I was going to change the world. I found out there was more the world than materialism and I was chosen. Again I was put in rehab and they gave me antipsychotics. Soon my mania died off. For a long time I had this plan in my mind to do a lot of research about the world and spiritual topics and to 'crack the matrix'. But when rubber met the road, I lost motivation. It was too much work. I thought it was going to make me happy but it wasnt. After that I had a new idea on how to find happiness: I had to be as social as possible. If I just worked on my social skills and met up with friends as much as possible, that would make me happy. I met up with this girl and got disappointed. After that I became really suicidal. A crisisteam had to come to my house.
I think my depression got worse after psychosis. Basically what happened was, I became too spiritual, was lost mentally and wanted guidance. I started believing some higher power was giving me messages through the TV and my mom. At some point I thought I was manifesting my thoughts into the world. It became really scary when I wasnt allowed to think certain things. I thought I was getting paralyzed because I wasnt allowed to think about it. This happened when I didnt sleep for 2 days. In the end I thought I was God and shit blablabla. Also at some point I thought the universe was going to kill me. I was paranoid as fuck. So yeah, I've had really weird psychosis. Fortunately this also stopped. Not sure if it went away on its own or because I took antipsychotics.
But as you can see, I was really confused with life. I wasn't in the right state of mind. Even my friends said I was confused.
I was placed in rehab for the third time for some other psychosis. But with this psychosis I was fully aware that it wasnt real and I was just playing along.
As you can read, I'm a really mentally disturbed person. I mean, I'm stable now in terms of psychosis. But now my problem is depression.
This isn't even the full story. Maybe I should write a book about it. Probably not because people will think I'm nuts.
I'd really like to recover from depression. But I'm not sure if recovery is a reality for me. My brain tells me there is no hope of it getting better. I will soon get intensive home supervision and will talk to a bipolar professor and a psychologist. I was in a psych ward for 2 weeks because I said I wanted to jump from my 5 stories high apartment building. I wasn't really going to do it but it was more like a cry for help. The police came over, we had a talk and they transported me through ambulance to the psych ward. For some reason they couldn't move me with a policecar. First I was put in a closed setting, then they moved me to an open one. That meant I could go outside. For some reason I had days where I didn't sleep and felt even worse. Like the lowest of lows. Hell on earth. I would call my mom and threaten her with finding a nearby train and ending it. The relationship between me and my mom has really gone downhill. All I talk to her about is wanting to die, my pain, wanting euthanasia, asking if she can help me kill myself, etc.
So yeah idk just wanted to share that with you guys. Sorry if its all over the place, I have to go right now. What I want to say is, I hope that I can still recover and live a normal life. Maybe therapy will get me sorted out. Maybe medication will do it. if neither, I'm gonna have to go for euthanasia. Thanks for reading guys.
Also after finding out nothing was going to make me happy I became even more depressed
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