NitriteAnatomy
Lost. Alone. Trapped. Need escape.
- Nov 21, 2019
- 450
Not the best at voicing things, but decided to say fuck it and do this.
My earliest memory is of my mom attempting to smother me in my sleep with my own pillow at age 4. From then on, I was constantly treated like shit and used as my grandmother's favorite lab rat of a sort. She(grandmother) was a beautician and she'd constantly use me to practice on and yes, that included having me fully dressed up as a girl with full makeup, many times. Managed to grow up straight, no gender identity problems afaik, but I always mistook the attention for love. At school.....I had to be changed from school to school often, due to the constant physical/emotional abuse that was dealt to me from teachers and students, even at the same time on occasion. I then started to be put down, purposely frightened half to death and traumatized to certain movies and porcelain dolls, just so family could get a laugh. The same people would tear me a new one over wetting my bed, due to nightmares, until I got old enough for it to not affect me.
At 7, I got diagnosed with severe/crippling depression and anxiety, plus a big social anxiety issue that effectively made me an introvert and heavily anti-social individual. Family never showed one sign of support in this regard, to present. The physical/emotional abuse at home and school kept going and at 10, I drowned due to a rip tide while at the beach on a school field trip. After being traumatized by that (drowning is a terrifying and extremely painful experience) my family decided to blame me for the whole thing. Been terrified of swimming, since.
At 12, my mom tried to......have 'relations' with me and I refused. Guess this is when I should also say, my mom had me when she was 16 and blames me for her lack of childhood, she's a heavy pill popper and self harming(cutting) individual. She's also always been extremely overweight, at 325lbs for the majority of my life. I'd sleep at the foot of her bed until I was an adult, due to being constantly afraid of waking up to find her dead. As a result, she'd always threaten to ship me off or she would get those old, metal, door locks that you place over the doorknob so it makes turning the knob impossible and put it on the inside of my door and lock me in my room for days. Only would open the door if I needed to use the bathroom or to eat.
At 16, my grandfather died, the only person that made me feel like I mattered or was a human being and not just some dreg that 'existed' and I also ruptured 2 of the lower disks in my spine while running track. I recovered from the spine injury, but never recovered from my grandfather's death, which only managed to compound my depression and anxiety. Again, during all these years, I was constantly physically/emotionally abused at home and school and not a damn person ever listened to me when I'd speak up on it.
At 19, I was living with my grandparents, since we lost our home due to my mom never having a job, even to this day. I would frequent AOL roleplay chat rooms, like the Red Dragon Inn, a place where one could roleplay as if living a fantasy book. I was an avid reader and love most genres, sci-fi, sci-fi fantasy and high fantasy being among my main favorite genres. Even had a couple of poems published via Poetry.com when I was around 15, nothing big, but was neat for me. Anyways, that AOL chat was where I met my ex-wife. We had been chatting and I was working as a telemarketer at the time and had been saving up for a trip to Texas to visit her and meet her. My grandmother decided to spy on all my mail and phone calls and ended up kicking me out via forcing me to use what little money I had saved to buy a plane ticket. Chaos ensued, I ended up moving in with a family of complete strangers and things went from there.
My ex's parents were kind enough, her dad really liked me, despite me looking like a Mexican (he was racist against them) and her mom.....I'll get to her in a bit. Things went well enough, at first, then her mom showed her true colors as a control freak and forced me into the military in order to stay with my ex. We ended up getting married shortly before I left for basic. After I graduated basic training, we got 3 days of leave, to be off base, so my ex and her mom came up to take me off base. My ex and I decided we were going to try for kids, since we were financially stable and yeah.....she got pregnant with twins, girls. Shortly after basic, I was sent to my training facility for what I'd be doing in the fleet, I was an Airman and my focus in the fleet would be launch and recovery of various aircraft. My ex decided to run our bank account over $1,900 into the negative from her massive spending and left me unable to even eat, many times and her mom forced her to miscarry the twins via crushing up her(ex's mom) bi-polar meds and feeding it to my ex under the pretense of making nutritious meals for the pregnancy. That bitch later died from septic shock and I am not sorry karma bit her in the ass.
Ex left me shortly after that, while I was out in the fleet, via cheating on me. I finished my time in the Navy and did my own thing, for awhile. At 23, ex decided to try to save the marriage, since we hadn't divorced and only separated. We got back together, she cheated once more, we became homeless and she ended up pregnant(thank fuck with my child and not that random fling) and things started to finally settle and get better. I had work, we had gotten a place and I thought things were going to get better. 5 months into the pregnancy, we went to the hospital for a checkup and the charge labor and delivery nurse forcefully induced labor by spiking my ex's IV drip (she had been slightly dehydrated and they wanted to make sure she had some fluids). That's when my world ended as she ended up giving birth shortly after and I had to hold my firstborn son as he lived for 5min and died. The nurse got her due, since she slipped up and had done this to 3 other young couples THE SAME FUCKING DAY. Apparently, she believed that as long as she thought couples were too young to have kids, it was her duty to stop them from doing such.
Last I knew, she was in prison and lost her license. Can't say I feel bad for the bitch and I hope she rots. From then, age 23, until now at 34, it's pretty much been one fucking thing after another non-stop and my depression/anxiety have finally reached a breaking point.
Mind you, this is a wall of text, apologies, but this all is pretty much everything that led up to present, in a nutshell. I left out the minor details and decided to only speak on most of the important events, since I'm not one for really talking to others. This forum seems to have me comfortable enough to do so, so I shared.
Edit: Forgot to add in that after losing my son, she left me for some random asshole, blamed me for the miscarriage and took all my money, clothes and pretty much everything. I ended up living under an abandoned train platform in the middle of winter and that was when I first decided I was going to try to kill myself. Obviously didn't, but think I'm finally starting to face my shit enough to be ready at the time of my choosing.
My earliest memory is of my mom attempting to smother me in my sleep with my own pillow at age 4. From then on, I was constantly treated like shit and used as my grandmother's favorite lab rat of a sort. She(grandmother) was a beautician and she'd constantly use me to practice on and yes, that included having me fully dressed up as a girl with full makeup, many times. Managed to grow up straight, no gender identity problems afaik, but I always mistook the attention for love. At school.....I had to be changed from school to school often, due to the constant physical/emotional abuse that was dealt to me from teachers and students, even at the same time on occasion. I then started to be put down, purposely frightened half to death and traumatized to certain movies and porcelain dolls, just so family could get a laugh. The same people would tear me a new one over wetting my bed, due to nightmares, until I got old enough for it to not affect me.
At 7, I got diagnosed with severe/crippling depression and anxiety, plus a big social anxiety issue that effectively made me an introvert and heavily anti-social individual. Family never showed one sign of support in this regard, to present. The physical/emotional abuse at home and school kept going and at 10, I drowned due to a rip tide while at the beach on a school field trip. After being traumatized by that (drowning is a terrifying and extremely painful experience) my family decided to blame me for the whole thing. Been terrified of swimming, since.
At 12, my mom tried to......have 'relations' with me and I refused. Guess this is when I should also say, my mom had me when she was 16 and blames me for her lack of childhood, she's a heavy pill popper and self harming(cutting) individual. She's also always been extremely overweight, at 325lbs for the majority of my life. I'd sleep at the foot of her bed until I was an adult, due to being constantly afraid of waking up to find her dead. As a result, she'd always threaten to ship me off or she would get those old, metal, door locks that you place over the doorknob so it makes turning the knob impossible and put it on the inside of my door and lock me in my room for days. Only would open the door if I needed to use the bathroom or to eat.
At 16, my grandfather died, the only person that made me feel like I mattered or was a human being and not just some dreg that 'existed' and I also ruptured 2 of the lower disks in my spine while running track. I recovered from the spine injury, but never recovered from my grandfather's death, which only managed to compound my depression and anxiety. Again, during all these years, I was constantly physically/emotionally abused at home and school and not a damn person ever listened to me when I'd speak up on it.
At 19, I was living with my grandparents, since we lost our home due to my mom never having a job, even to this day. I would frequent AOL roleplay chat rooms, like the Red Dragon Inn, a place where one could roleplay as if living a fantasy book. I was an avid reader and love most genres, sci-fi, sci-fi fantasy and high fantasy being among my main favorite genres. Even had a couple of poems published via Poetry.com when I was around 15, nothing big, but was neat for me. Anyways, that AOL chat was where I met my ex-wife. We had been chatting and I was working as a telemarketer at the time and had been saving up for a trip to Texas to visit her and meet her. My grandmother decided to spy on all my mail and phone calls and ended up kicking me out via forcing me to use what little money I had saved to buy a plane ticket. Chaos ensued, I ended up moving in with a family of complete strangers and things went from there.
My ex's parents were kind enough, her dad really liked me, despite me looking like a Mexican (he was racist against them) and her mom.....I'll get to her in a bit. Things went well enough, at first, then her mom showed her true colors as a control freak and forced me into the military in order to stay with my ex. We ended up getting married shortly before I left for basic. After I graduated basic training, we got 3 days of leave, to be off base, so my ex and her mom came up to take me off base. My ex and I decided we were going to try for kids, since we were financially stable and yeah.....she got pregnant with twins, girls. Shortly after basic, I was sent to my training facility for what I'd be doing in the fleet, I was an Airman and my focus in the fleet would be launch and recovery of various aircraft. My ex decided to run our bank account over $1,900 into the negative from her massive spending and left me unable to even eat, many times and her mom forced her to miscarry the twins via crushing up her(ex's mom) bi-polar meds and feeding it to my ex under the pretense of making nutritious meals for the pregnancy. That bitch later died from septic shock and I am not sorry karma bit her in the ass.
Ex left me shortly after that, while I was out in the fleet, via cheating on me. I finished my time in the Navy and did my own thing, for awhile. At 23, ex decided to try to save the marriage, since we hadn't divorced and only separated. We got back together, she cheated once more, we became homeless and she ended up pregnant(thank fuck with my child and not that random fling) and things started to finally settle and get better. I had work, we had gotten a place and I thought things were going to get better. 5 months into the pregnancy, we went to the hospital for a checkup and the charge labor and delivery nurse forcefully induced labor by spiking my ex's IV drip (she had been slightly dehydrated and they wanted to make sure she had some fluids). That's when my world ended as she ended up giving birth shortly after and I had to hold my firstborn son as he lived for 5min and died. The nurse got her due, since she slipped up and had done this to 3 other young couples THE SAME FUCKING DAY. Apparently, she believed that as long as she thought couples were too young to have kids, it was her duty to stop them from doing such.
Last I knew, she was in prison and lost her license. Can't say I feel bad for the bitch and I hope she rots. From then, age 23, until now at 34, it's pretty much been one fucking thing after another non-stop and my depression/anxiety have finally reached a breaking point.
Mind you, this is a wall of text, apologies, but this all is pretty much everything that led up to present, in a nutshell. I left out the minor details and decided to only speak on most of the important events, since I'm not one for really talking to others. This forum seems to have me comfortable enough to do so, so I shared.
Edit: Forgot to add in that after losing my son, she left me for some random asshole, blamed me for the miscarriage and took all my money, clothes and pretty much everything. I ended up living under an abandoned train platform in the middle of winter and that was when I first decided I was going to try to kill myself. Obviously didn't, but think I'm finally starting to face my shit enough to be ready at the time of my choosing.
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