ObsessiveCompulsive
Member
- Sep 26, 2019
- 52
Sorry for the length, this is my edited suicide note (some details removed), also a rant of some sort, I just wanted to share the story of my miserable life before I finally do CTB, also I'll be arranging for my brain to be sent to a organization for study, along with a fully detailed note on my symptoms.
Note to mods: this is not a goodbye thread.
Since I was a toddler I experienced almost all forms of neglect/abuse from everyone I was around, all except physical/sexual from my family, (someone broke into my home when I was a toddler and molested me, I would be locked in my room for hours and panic and find no family home when I finally got out, spent half my really young years wondering when I would be abandoned, my family stole from me since young, they got me to do everything in the house at 12, (literally about everything not just simple chores), yelled at me, emotional abuse, poverty, it felt like I lived under a dictatorship, always witnessed conflict in my family and was dragged into it, someone was murdered at my home at 15-16, I spent my young life bouncing house to house relative to relative since toddler days, and when I was 8-16 spent half the time crying at night, I lived in so many homes I lost count, was thousands of km from anyone that cared, the person I wanted to live with I was worried he would be incarcerated, he was in trouble at one point, I was being robbed constantly, while the family I lived with threatened to cut me off from them, I was being bullied at school, experienced racism from my own race, experienced homophobia and I'm straight, people in school and alike would constantly use me. I tried reaching out to 3 people during this time, one told me the relative I wanted to live with was bad so I couldn't, the other said she can't do anything, the last, my own mother, heard her say she wouldn't help me, I gave up hope in trying to reach out to people, also I lost multiple teeth in my years growing up as no family would bring me to a doctor or dentist, I was used as a pawn by almost everyone I came across, narcissistic abuse, I could write a book. Im having dreams of all these events now.
I started having sleep problems between 4-6 my mom brought me to numerous sleep doctors, had my brainwaves scanned for Epilepsy (I violently thrash out in my sleep).
I developed OCD at 6, counting 1-2-3-4-5 when cracking my toes or washing my hands. Took me over a bit, would sit on my bed & do it over and over, always believed it was genetic because my uncle has it, just not as severe.
At 7-8 I became a compulsive lier, this only went on for a year (grade 3)
I would start to disassociate badly in class (grade 5-7) during this time, my mind would daydream or just drift off all day in school, I almost failed grade 5, & my grades were generally low, but always passed, this became worse over time, my mind was always somewhere else.
During this time I also developed some kind of hydromania, I would have to lick my fingertips or dip them in water whenever they were dry, if not it became a problem, this went on for a year, people looked at me oddly.. I had to do it.
I spent most my nights during these years crying every night.
At 14-15 I moved with family I wanted to live with, oddly I would start running away from home and doing drugs, I was addicted to Ecstasy during this time, I would do large amounts of drugs and pull through unscathed, really I was trying to die.
I started having these what I called "Obsessive States" were my head would burn like it was on fire, I would become very stressed and agitated, I would repeat things over and over in my head till I was sick, drugs relieved these states. I realize now I don't react good with stress, I think the symptoms mix with my OCD.
At 15, During this year I experienced new symptoms, when I would sleep it would feel like my soul was up over my body watching, like I was levitating, I would have dreams that I was floating in the air and wake up in a rush/jolt/scare whatever you want to call it, like I had the crap scared out of me, I had this while trying to sleep. I also experienced the hag a lot during this. I started having intense nightmares, also started having ticks.
Grade 12 came and I started going downhill again, attempted suicide for my first time at the end of the year, and was caught in the process and hospitalised, I attempted a few times this year, I also became addicted to opiates (Percs & Oxycontin) this was a huge struggle for me, I would get really rageful on them, when something happend I went into a breakdown crying, then angry raging, to hysterical laughing, all in seconds, my family witnessed every bit of it.
Lost count of how many times I tried over the years... I suck at it.
During the year of grade 12 I experienced a mild cleptomania, I would pocket stupid shit like remotes and scissors from friends homes, I would discover them, try to remember where I was previously, and return them, I had no recall taking these things, this ended after a few months. My uncle was a diagnosed Cleptomaniac, and my aunt has another impulse control disorder.
Year after I became addicted to opiates (Percs & Oxycontin) this was a huge struggle for me, I would get really rageful on them, during this time I experienced loud noises in my sleep that would wake me, usually a window breaking.
A year went by again, the trial started for a murder at my home, the media tore my family apart, saying untrue things. During this time I had a odd headache, felt like a worm crawling through the front of my brain, a lot of my intense anxiety symptoms and nightmares started after this, also couldn't get up for work, no energy, it was drained from me, I think this was when I developed PTSD.
Months after I started staying up for days straight, usually 3-4, drugs sometimes as well, this went on a few times a month, then stopped after a bit, can't remember much though.
I started having violent thoughts/urges to attack or kill people at 20, with nightmares of killing groups of people at a time and going on the run, or being accused of something I did not do, I had to distance myself from people, also I'd have this sudden "tick" like my brain was backfiring.
A year or two went by, moved to a small community on the outskirts of the city, I would constantly stear out the windows at cars driving up the street, started having really graphic nightmares, of myself killing people or of being stabbed by needles etc.. I would wake up feeling pain where I was stabbed, also drenched in sweat, falling asleep was much harder, I stayed home a lot, had eating problems, I would have panic attacks/low blood pressure randomly that caused my vision to fade, always having heart palpitations, I went to my doctor, she just gave me medication and go see a councillor (shes useless with mental health), she also said I was sleep deprived.
To see a councillor you need to have a over the phone assessment on your symptoms, I remember the lady called back 10 minutes later (unusual) and told me she was sending me to a psychiatrist instead, I am thankful for what that woman done for me.
Seen a psychiatrist (two at once actually) she diagnosed me with PTSD, binge drinking & "bottling up my emotions". Upped my medication.
Months later I experienced mania, I was up for weeks straight, only a day or two of sleep in between, never ate much at all, this went on for over a month I believe, can't remember much, instead of getting help I was sent away, and some family made sure to destroy me.
After It stopped I was extremely depressed, constantly planning my suicide, A then gf (my most important relationship) helped me, she kept me somewhat sane for two years.
We broke up after two years, I was numb and didn't care, once they wore off I realize now I couldn't understand her feelings, I couldn't understand her facial expressions, I would constantly ask her what is wrong, she would get upset cause I couldn't pay attention, I would get so angry and she would have to calm me down, she was probably the only one that could.
And we are at now, the present, for the last year I've been sitting in my basement crying, or in my bed, crying or sleeping a lot, sometimes can't sleep till 8 in the morning, I become paralyzed sometimes I'm that depressed, all I can think about now is my death, I sit in the shower, smoking 2 packs a day from stress, my vision is... Different, I lost a lot of my memory from the past 5 years. I'm drained of life, it feels like all forces in my brain are working against me, like I'm a prisoner in my own mind, like my personality is being ejected, I have no identity, my body is weak, I'm anorexic from not eating, muscles and fat all gone, I feel like I'm losing my own body, losing my personality, losing myself, keep getting sharp headaches, I can't think independently or even see myself anywhere, I don't trust anyone, feels like half my brain is walking around on another planet. I feel very sick, my breathing is screwed, heart is slow as hell from lack of food, I can't think straight ever, always zoning out, I believe I had my first seizure a few months ago, black under my eyes,
CTB time soon. All system's failing.
Note to mods: this is not a goodbye thread.
Since I was a toddler I experienced almost all forms of neglect/abuse from everyone I was around, all except physical/sexual from my family, (someone broke into my home when I was a toddler and molested me, I would be locked in my room for hours and panic and find no family home when I finally got out, spent half my really young years wondering when I would be abandoned, my family stole from me since young, they got me to do everything in the house at 12, (literally about everything not just simple chores), yelled at me, emotional abuse, poverty, it felt like I lived under a dictatorship, always witnessed conflict in my family and was dragged into it, someone was murdered at my home at 15-16, I spent my young life bouncing house to house relative to relative since toddler days, and when I was 8-16 spent half the time crying at night, I lived in so many homes I lost count, was thousands of km from anyone that cared, the person I wanted to live with I was worried he would be incarcerated, he was in trouble at one point, I was being robbed constantly, while the family I lived with threatened to cut me off from them, I was being bullied at school, experienced racism from my own race, experienced homophobia and I'm straight, people in school and alike would constantly use me. I tried reaching out to 3 people during this time, one told me the relative I wanted to live with was bad so I couldn't, the other said she can't do anything, the last, my own mother, heard her say she wouldn't help me, I gave up hope in trying to reach out to people, also I lost multiple teeth in my years growing up as no family would bring me to a doctor or dentist, I was used as a pawn by almost everyone I came across, narcissistic abuse, I could write a book. Im having dreams of all these events now.
I started having sleep problems between 4-6 my mom brought me to numerous sleep doctors, had my brainwaves scanned for Epilepsy (I violently thrash out in my sleep).
I developed OCD at 6, counting 1-2-3-4-5 when cracking my toes or washing my hands. Took me over a bit, would sit on my bed & do it over and over, always believed it was genetic because my uncle has it, just not as severe.
At 7-8 I became a compulsive lier, this only went on for a year (grade 3)
I would start to disassociate badly in class (grade 5-7) during this time, my mind would daydream or just drift off all day in school, I almost failed grade 5, & my grades were generally low, but always passed, this became worse over time, my mind was always somewhere else.
During this time I also developed some kind of hydromania, I would have to lick my fingertips or dip them in water whenever they were dry, if not it became a problem, this went on for a year, people looked at me oddly.. I had to do it.
I spent most my nights during these years crying every night.
At 14-15 I moved with family I wanted to live with, oddly I would start running away from home and doing drugs, I was addicted to Ecstasy during this time, I would do large amounts of drugs and pull through unscathed, really I was trying to die.
I started having these what I called "Obsessive States" were my head would burn like it was on fire, I would become very stressed and agitated, I would repeat things over and over in my head till I was sick, drugs relieved these states. I realize now I don't react good with stress, I think the symptoms mix with my OCD.
At 15, During this year I experienced new symptoms, when I would sleep it would feel like my soul was up over my body watching, like I was levitating, I would have dreams that I was floating in the air and wake up in a rush/jolt/scare whatever you want to call it, like I had the crap scared out of me, I had this while trying to sleep. I also experienced the hag a lot during this. I started having intense nightmares, also started having ticks.
Grade 12 came and I started going downhill again, attempted suicide for my first time at the end of the year, and was caught in the process and hospitalised, I attempted a few times this year, I also became addicted to opiates (Percs & Oxycontin) this was a huge struggle for me, I would get really rageful on them, when something happend I went into a breakdown crying, then angry raging, to hysterical laughing, all in seconds, my family witnessed every bit of it.
Lost count of how many times I tried over the years... I suck at it.
During the year of grade 12 I experienced a mild cleptomania, I would pocket stupid shit like remotes and scissors from friends homes, I would discover them, try to remember where I was previously, and return them, I had no recall taking these things, this ended after a few months. My uncle was a diagnosed Cleptomaniac, and my aunt has another impulse control disorder.
Year after I became addicted to opiates (Percs & Oxycontin) this was a huge struggle for me, I would get really rageful on them, during this time I experienced loud noises in my sleep that would wake me, usually a window breaking.
A year went by again, the trial started for a murder at my home, the media tore my family apart, saying untrue things. During this time I had a odd headache, felt like a worm crawling through the front of my brain, a lot of my intense anxiety symptoms and nightmares started after this, also couldn't get up for work, no energy, it was drained from me, I think this was when I developed PTSD.
Months after I started staying up for days straight, usually 3-4, drugs sometimes as well, this went on a few times a month, then stopped after a bit, can't remember much though.
I started having violent thoughts/urges to attack or kill people at 20, with nightmares of killing groups of people at a time and going on the run, or being accused of something I did not do, I had to distance myself from people, also I'd have this sudden "tick" like my brain was backfiring.
A year or two went by, moved to a small community on the outskirts of the city, I would constantly stear out the windows at cars driving up the street, started having really graphic nightmares, of myself killing people or of being stabbed by needles etc.. I would wake up feeling pain where I was stabbed, also drenched in sweat, falling asleep was much harder, I stayed home a lot, had eating problems, I would have panic attacks/low blood pressure randomly that caused my vision to fade, always having heart palpitations, I went to my doctor, she just gave me medication and go see a councillor (shes useless with mental health), she also said I was sleep deprived.
To see a councillor you need to have a over the phone assessment on your symptoms, I remember the lady called back 10 minutes later (unusual) and told me she was sending me to a psychiatrist instead, I am thankful for what that woman done for me.
Seen a psychiatrist (two at once actually) she diagnosed me with PTSD, binge drinking & "bottling up my emotions". Upped my medication.
Months later I experienced mania, I was up for weeks straight, only a day or two of sleep in between, never ate much at all, this went on for over a month I believe, can't remember much, instead of getting help I was sent away, and some family made sure to destroy me.
After It stopped I was extremely depressed, constantly planning my suicide, A then gf (my most important relationship) helped me, she kept me somewhat sane for two years.
We broke up after two years, I was numb and didn't care, once they wore off I realize now I couldn't understand her feelings, I couldn't understand her facial expressions, I would constantly ask her what is wrong, she would get upset cause I couldn't pay attention, I would get so angry and she would have to calm me down, she was probably the only one that could.
And we are at now, the present, for the last year I've been sitting in my basement crying, or in my bed, crying or sleeping a lot, sometimes can't sleep till 8 in the morning, I become paralyzed sometimes I'm that depressed, all I can think about now is my death, I sit in the shower, smoking 2 packs a day from stress, my vision is... Different, I lost a lot of my memory from the past 5 years. I'm drained of life, it feels like all forces in my brain are working against me, like I'm a prisoner in my own mind, like my personality is being ejected, I have no identity, my body is weak, I'm anorexic from not eating, muscles and fat all gone, I feel like I'm losing my own body, losing my personality, losing myself, keep getting sharp headaches, I can't think independently or even see myself anywhere, I don't trust anyone, feels like half my brain is walking around on another planet. I feel very sick, my breathing is screwed, heart is slow as hell from lack of food, I can't think straight ever, always zoning out, I believe I had my first seizure a few months ago, black under my eyes,
CTB time soon. All system's failing.
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