Story my story

[crazysushi]

Hi! I'm new here. It's crazy how I chanced upon this website from Wikipedia when I was researching how to commit suicide.

A bit about myself. I was diagnosed with bipolar2 a while back, currently taking lithium and lamotrigine. I feel like all this while I have been feeling baseline depressed. I didn't have a very specific reason for my depression though. My family is financially okay, I have a lot of loving family and friends. I just don't feel like living anymore? I don't feel things anymore and I just sort of see no meaning in things anymore. I stopped playing all my musical instruments, stopped drawing. Travelling around or eating gives me little to no joy anymore and I just felt that my presence is uncomfortable? Like I felt like my presence in this world is a bug.

I had a few crises in the past that led to several suicide attempts and I have been hospitalised once. I knew I didn't want to attempt that left me severely disabled so my previous attempts were jumping and hanging. Hanging didn't work out though, I was very uncomfortable and I just forgot about it.

A while back, I ordered SN and it has arrived. I also have benzos and other meds are easy to obtain here so SN has been my plan since I found out about it here.

I'm not good at expressing myself but anyway here is my story.

 

[DeathWish3301]

Hi! I'm new here. It's crazy how I chanced upon this website from Wikipedia when I was researching how to commit suicide.

A bit about myself. I was diagnosed with bipolar2 a while back, currently taking lithium and lamotrigine. I feel like all this while I have been feeling baseline depressed. I didn't have a very specific reason for my depression though. My family is financially okay, I have a lot of loving family and friends. I just don't feel like living anymore? I don't feel things anymore and I just sort of see no meaning in things anymore. I stopped playing all my musical instruments, stopped drawing. Travelling around or eating gives me little to no joy anymore and I just felt that my presence is uncomfortable? Like I felt like my presence in this world is a bug.

I had a few crises in the past that led to several suicide attempts and I have been hospitalised once. I knew I didn't want to attempt that left me severely disabled so my previous attempts were jumping and hanging. Hanging didn't work out though, I was very uncomfortable and I just forgot about it.

A while back, I ordered SN and it has arrived. I also have benzos and other meds are easy to obtain here so SN has been my plan since I found out about it here.

I'm not good at expressing myself but anyway here is my story.

I have bipolar, as well. It's fucking rough.

I'm not pro or anti CTB. I'm pro-choice and pro-autonomy. But these are my thoughts in regards to your post:

Losing interest and pleasure in things is called anhedonia. It's usually associated with depression.

If you haven't been on your medications for a while, as in a couple weeks or months, they may not have taken effect yet.

I was prescribed Lamotrigine in the past and didn't find it helpful at all, personally. My doctor at the time also told me it can potentially have nasty side effects if you stop it all together without tapering down.

If you have, it may be worthwhile to talk to your prescribing doctor and let them know about the symptoms you described. They may adjust your regimen. Your diet and environment are also something to take into consideration, as well.

And you expressed yourself fine.

 

[crazysushi]

Thank you for your suggestion.

I have been on medication for about 4 months. My doctor recently added another antidepressant (2 months?) and increased my lamotrigine dose as well. My doctor is really nice and supportive; the problem is me I think.

In regards to CTB, I have different reasons growing up. When I looked back on my early childhood journal, I already have suicidal ideation. It grew stronger when I grew up when I experienced social isolation and chronic insomnia. I have relapses of depression but this is the first time the ideation becomes active rather than just the passive thoughts. Maybe scrolling this forum every day addictively does not help. But you know, having the SN actually makes me a bit less agitated knowing that it is one of the ways to leave.

I felt so sorry to people around me because they genuinely care about me and will support me always. Especially my mum. I don't want to be a burden though.

 

[ilovenewyork]

I'll admit I have it, type 2.

It gets worse with age and I underestimated how much being just a few degrees away from sane would mess up my life.

Lithium has done a lot for me. It's really a losing battle though.

 

[crazysushi]

Yup, can't lie I'm so much more stable now with lithium. And looking back when I thought I was 'sane' (before I was diagnosed) I don't think I was 'sane' back then too.

Just felt like I don't trust my own cognition anymore.

 

[egyptian_baddie]

That "baseline depressed" feeling is such a quiet kind of suffering,when nothing is dramatically wrong, but everything feels empty.You matter more than your brain is letting you feel right now,and I'm really glad you're still here.Please don't let a temporary darkness write a permanent ending.