I want to share with all of you who would like to read this, why and how did I get into this point.
Suicide, the idea of ending my life by myself have been surrounding my head for a lot of years. It is very rear the nights before going to sleep without thinking of suicide; mostly every single night I think and I fantasize on the ending of my own life by myself.
For those of you who might be wanting to know the reasons behind it, it's very difficult to explain. Let's start by saying that thinking and thinking all over again every single night about suicide feels like an scape (don't know of what), because (and this might sound very strange and weird for most of you) when I think of it I feel good, as if it were a relief. They are thoughts that I can't get rid of them. Once, I was talking to the only person that knows this about me (because I don't talk about it at all, I don't know why but I feel very ashamed of it) and she told me, what if those thoughts never disappear? I still have no answer for it. I have been in this situation for years, for sure more than a decade (I'm 25).
The reasons, my reasons for ending my life are kinda difficult to put into words. Let's keep it simple: I feel that I don't want to be here anymore... Yes, I just don't want to be here at all. I don't feel that there's something going wrong actually, I enjoy things, I have a pretty decent life, a bachelor in music with two majors, I enjoy what I do, I don't know if I'm actually depressed because I can say that I enjoy life but at the same time I see that everything is just soo pointless, I just feel that I don't want to be here anymore.
Now, I have a very weird fantasy of disappearing, that people do not know anything about me, just to buy a plane ticket one day without telling anybody and disappear. I would like to end my life in a forest, in a quiet place very very far away from home, dying alone, in peace. I don't know yet with method would actually fit with this fantasy. I've been thinking about nembutal, sodium nitrite or carbon monoxide. The first two of them I don't know where can I buy it, nembutal or any medicine for a deadly sleeping cocktail would requiere a doctor prescription. I don't know if it is easy to find SN in another country. And the only idea that I have for carbon monoxide is to lay down under the exhaust pipe of a car and wait until death. No phone, drivers license, passport or any kind of identification... a completely anonymous dead body... no a single sign of who I was or where I came from, nothing... just a peaceful corpse.
If you got here I appreciate your time in reading this. Any suggestion on how to make this whole fantasy come to live just leave your comment.
Thank you very much.
Suicide, the idea of ending my life by myself have been surrounding my head for a lot of years. It is very rear the nights before going to sleep without thinking of suicide; mostly every single night I think and I fantasize on the ending of my own life by myself.
For those of you who might be wanting to know the reasons behind it, it's very difficult to explain. Let's start by saying that thinking and thinking all over again every single night about suicide feels like an scape (don't know of what), because (and this might sound very strange and weird for most of you) when I think of it I feel good, as if it were a relief. They are thoughts that I can't get rid of them. Once, I was talking to the only person that knows this about me (because I don't talk about it at all, I don't know why but I feel very ashamed of it) and she told me, what if those thoughts never disappear? I still have no answer for it. I have been in this situation for years, for sure more than a decade (I'm 25).
The reasons, my reasons for ending my life are kinda difficult to put into words. Let's keep it simple: I feel that I don't want to be here anymore... Yes, I just don't want to be here at all. I don't feel that there's something going wrong actually, I enjoy things, I have a pretty decent life, a bachelor in music with two majors, I enjoy what I do, I don't know if I'm actually depressed because I can say that I enjoy life but at the same time I see that everything is just soo pointless, I just feel that I don't want to be here anymore.
Now, I have a very weird fantasy of disappearing, that people do not know anything about me, just to buy a plane ticket one day without telling anybody and disappear. I would like to end my life in a forest, in a quiet place very very far away from home, dying alone, in peace. I don't know yet with method would actually fit with this fantasy. I've been thinking about nembutal, sodium nitrite or carbon monoxide. The first two of them I don't know where can I buy it, nembutal or any medicine for a deadly sleeping cocktail would requiere a doctor prescription. I don't know if it is easy to find SN in another country. And the only idea that I have for carbon monoxide is to lay down under the exhaust pipe of a car and wait until death. No phone, drivers license, passport or any kind of identification... a completely anonymous dead body... no a single sign of who I was or where I came from, nothing... just a peaceful corpse.
If you got here I appreciate your time in reading this. Any suggestion on how to make this whole fantasy come to live just leave your comment.
Thank you very much.
