Hey everyone, I'm new to this forum, hope this is the right thread to post this. I first started thinking about suicide in the general sense when I was between 10 and 12 years old. A bully had told me the world would be a better place without me and I believed him. I went home that night looking for suicide letters on the Internet to read people's last words. I imagined how much everyone would miss me if I was gone.
I've always felt unlovable. As a young boy, I remember being the scapegoat of the family -- the one everyone would laugh at. I never felt like I could open up to my family or anyone about my worries and troubles. I felt alienated then and more so now. Everyone feels so far away and I feel lonely no matter how many are around me.
I struggle with interpersonal relationships, I never had a girlfriend, I don't open up to people about my feelings. I never ask for help. I've only had myself to rely on.
I struggle with compulsive behaviors. I watch a lot of pornography and it leaves me feeling incredibly empty inside. I hate those videos but its the kind of sex that feels safe to me. I don't need to be naked around anyone or open up to anybody, I can just do it alone. I get so angry and depressed at myself for watching porn. Once I start I can't stop and I'll watch for hours then lie in bed depressed and hate myself. I smoke a lot of weed too.
These episodes of compulsive binging happen when I'm really anxious. My life is fragmented. It'll be Monday then before I know it its Thursday and then I realized I had an assignment due a day too late. I can't rely on myself to get things done, I just hope for the best. I can't settle into a routine, I'm constantly on edge.
The only person I can really talk to is my professor at school. She really listens to me and seems to care about me and my future more than anyone else does. I wish I could open up to her about how I feel but I don't want to put the burden on her, she's not a therapist.
It's so difficult to talk about these feelings to others, it feels like I'm speaking another language. The memories I struggle to open up about are the taboo, embarrassing, human ones. I think I might've been sexually abused because of some awful memories I have. I worry someone, especially someone I care about, will view me differently if I tell them my deep-rooted insecurities and traumas.
I don't feel like I have a future. I've managed to consistently fail my classes, I'll probably never get into a Master's program... and I'm not interested in the real world. I'd be happy to stay in school for the rest of my life if that were possible. But careers, LinkedIn profiles, mortgages or rent, makes me feel like adult life isn't for me. I can never see myself fitting in or finding a place that feels good in this world.
Right now, my plan is to finish school as if my life depended on it. I'd like to end my life right after or before I graduate, unless I'm in a better place by then. Thanks for listening to my story :(
I've always felt unlovable. As a young boy, I remember being the scapegoat of the family -- the one everyone would laugh at. I never felt like I could open up to my family or anyone about my worries and troubles. I felt alienated then and more so now. Everyone feels so far away and I feel lonely no matter how many are around me.
I struggle with interpersonal relationships, I never had a girlfriend, I don't open up to people about my feelings. I never ask for help. I've only had myself to rely on.
I struggle with compulsive behaviors. I watch a lot of pornography and it leaves me feeling incredibly empty inside. I hate those videos but its the kind of sex that feels safe to me. I don't need to be naked around anyone or open up to anybody, I can just do it alone. I get so angry and depressed at myself for watching porn. Once I start I can't stop and I'll watch for hours then lie in bed depressed and hate myself. I smoke a lot of weed too.
These episodes of compulsive binging happen when I'm really anxious. My life is fragmented. It'll be Monday then before I know it its Thursday and then I realized I had an assignment due a day too late. I can't rely on myself to get things done, I just hope for the best. I can't settle into a routine, I'm constantly on edge.
The only person I can really talk to is my professor at school. She really listens to me and seems to care about me and my future more than anyone else does. I wish I could open up to her about how I feel but I don't want to put the burden on her, she's not a therapist.
It's so difficult to talk about these feelings to others, it feels like I'm speaking another language. The memories I struggle to open up about are the taboo, embarrassing, human ones. I think I might've been sexually abused because of some awful memories I have. I worry someone, especially someone I care about, will view me differently if I tell them my deep-rooted insecurities and traumas.
I don't feel like I have a future. I've managed to consistently fail my classes, I'll probably never get into a Master's program... and I'm not interested in the real world. I'd be happy to stay in school for the rest of my life if that were possible. But careers, LinkedIn profiles, mortgages or rent, makes me feel like adult life isn't for me. I can never see myself fitting in or finding a place that feels good in this world.
Right now, my plan is to finish school as if my life depended on it. I'd like to end my life right after or before I graduate, unless I'm in a better place by then. Thanks for listening to my story :(
