Alec
Wizard
- Apr 22, 2019
- 681
Hi all. First I want to say what a discovery this website has been to me. I've been here for a whole month but only registered just yesterday and this is my first post. Sorry for the mistakes as I'm trying to type fast.
You have no idea what it means to me to know that's there are ppl like me out there(or maybe you do) knowing that there are ppl who agree that suicide sometimes IS the answer has been a little but very significant comfort to me, kind of like somebody saying to me that I'm not insane.
I'm not gonna go into details about my reasons why here right now, maybe some other day, but I do want to say something.
Suicide is one of the hardest and bravest things a human being can do, our hearts, souls and brains are so complex that they understand suicide on billions of different levels and it only makes it so much harder and scarier, and to overcome all that and still find strength to push forward to even just try takes a titan of a human. Sometimes life is just not for us, and it's alright.
I tried to kill myself for the first time almost 5 years ago. I slit my wrist on the left hand. It didn't work. I was very scared and it hurt like hell so I don't think I cut very deep. I fell asleep bleeding (I didn't feel physically tired so it wasn't because of blood loss I was just emotionally drained) and when I woke up the cut was still open but it didn't bleed anymore. Just before I cut my wrist I took all the calming pills I could find in my first aid kit some of them said they can cause coma if taken too much and I've taken everything there was but they didn't even make me feel tired they did probably slow down my heartbeat and as the cause I didn't bleed as much as I could have. In any case, it didn't work. Then some things happened by pure luck almost and I stopped trying to kill myself, but for these past 5 years suicide has always been in the back of my mind, in case I can't take life anymore. And this last month I've been forever to face the reality. There is something in this world that I want, its the only dream that I live for, but the reality is that I probably won't ever achieve it so bassically I have nothing to live for. I carry incredible sadness all the time and it hurts so bad that my whole body starts to physically hurt. But the truth is that there is the slightest smallest hope that my dream can come true if I try and if I keep going. The truth is I have no idea how to try and how to keep going and all day I can barely breath, I'm literally suffocating and I feel trapped and I recently started getting panic attacks where my lungs pretty much don't react to air and insane panic sets in. And I feel lonely, so god damn lonely. I've been lonely my whole life but it never hurt this bad as it does now. But recently, ive decided that despite of it all, ill keep going for that smallest hope for my dream that I've got. I don't know how, and I don't know for how long I'll be able to take it and keep going, perhaps it will be just one more day, maybe a month? Or a year? We'll see. But for as long as I can take this pain, ill keep going. I can't talk to anyone about this because I know they wouldn't understand. But maybe you guys will.
I still think about suicide. And I still see it as an option and in my future. The truth is I think that even if my dream will become true I'll still kill myself eventually. I just can't see myself getting old, I'm sure my life will have no reason in it left. I've been readin a lot of hanging stuff here and I've been thinking about it but I just don't think it for me unless I pass out somehow(which as I see doesn't happen to everyone) because the feeling of suffocation while unable to help it(full suspension) seems like what I'm feeling right now every day and I've had enough of that I'm too terrified of it, of hopelessness it makes me feel(maybe it doesn't make you feel that way). But I do think that it's most probable that I'll kill myself in a year from now. I've beeing thinking about different methods that won't make me hurt and will just make me go to sleep(please comment your suggestions here for me as I'm pretty new at all these different methods) like heroin overdose, hope I'll be able to get heroin a year from now. But regardless of my possibilities I think the only one that remains the most possible in every case(independently from my resources) is jumping from a high building. Lots of ppl do it and most die. Currently I live in a 5 story building and have easy access to the roof top. Hopefully I'll live in a even taller building a year from now but maybe even 5 stories will do the job. I chose this method because it's the easiest, I just jump and that's all, then I fall which I think I might enjoy and then u crash. There will be pain, lots of it, but physical pain ends. And hopefully with it so will this life. Maybe I'll survive till the hospital and die there and I'll suffer longer but I hope I'll die in the end anyway. I dont have access to a gun I'm not in the US, sadly, if so I would choose a gun.So here it is. I wanted and needed to vent. I'm sorry if this is too long, if you read it all, thank you. And whatever you are doing rn, wherever you are, I hope you are alright, i really do. And wanting to die is alright, it really is. Love you all. And thank you, again.
You have no idea what it means to me to know that's there are ppl like me out there(or maybe you do) knowing that there are ppl who agree that suicide sometimes IS the answer has been a little but very significant comfort to me, kind of like somebody saying to me that I'm not insane.
I'm not gonna go into details about my reasons why here right now, maybe some other day, but I do want to say something.
Suicide is one of the hardest and bravest things a human being can do, our hearts, souls and brains are so complex that they understand suicide on billions of different levels and it only makes it so much harder and scarier, and to overcome all that and still find strength to push forward to even just try takes a titan of a human. Sometimes life is just not for us, and it's alright.
I tried to kill myself for the first time almost 5 years ago. I slit my wrist on the left hand. It didn't work. I was very scared and it hurt like hell so I don't think I cut very deep. I fell asleep bleeding (I didn't feel physically tired so it wasn't because of blood loss I was just emotionally drained) and when I woke up the cut was still open but it didn't bleed anymore. Just before I cut my wrist I took all the calming pills I could find in my first aid kit some of them said they can cause coma if taken too much and I've taken everything there was but they didn't even make me feel tired they did probably slow down my heartbeat and as the cause I didn't bleed as much as I could have. In any case, it didn't work. Then some things happened by pure luck almost and I stopped trying to kill myself, but for these past 5 years suicide has always been in the back of my mind, in case I can't take life anymore. And this last month I've been forever to face the reality. There is something in this world that I want, its the only dream that I live for, but the reality is that I probably won't ever achieve it so bassically I have nothing to live for. I carry incredible sadness all the time and it hurts so bad that my whole body starts to physically hurt. But the truth is that there is the slightest smallest hope that my dream can come true if I try and if I keep going. The truth is I have no idea how to try and how to keep going and all day I can barely breath, I'm literally suffocating and I feel trapped and I recently started getting panic attacks where my lungs pretty much don't react to air and insane panic sets in. And I feel lonely, so god damn lonely. I've been lonely my whole life but it never hurt this bad as it does now. But recently, ive decided that despite of it all, ill keep going for that smallest hope for my dream that I've got. I don't know how, and I don't know for how long I'll be able to take it and keep going, perhaps it will be just one more day, maybe a month? Or a year? We'll see. But for as long as I can take this pain, ill keep going. I can't talk to anyone about this because I know they wouldn't understand. But maybe you guys will.
I still think about suicide. And I still see it as an option and in my future. The truth is I think that even if my dream will become true I'll still kill myself eventually. I just can't see myself getting old, I'm sure my life will have no reason in it left. I've been readin a lot of hanging stuff here and I've been thinking about it but I just don't think it for me unless I pass out somehow(which as I see doesn't happen to everyone) because the feeling of suffocation while unable to help it(full suspension) seems like what I'm feeling right now every day and I've had enough of that I'm too terrified of it, of hopelessness it makes me feel(maybe it doesn't make you feel that way). But I do think that it's most probable that I'll kill myself in a year from now. I've beeing thinking about different methods that won't make me hurt and will just make me go to sleep(please comment your suggestions here for me as I'm pretty new at all these different methods) like heroin overdose, hope I'll be able to get heroin a year from now. But regardless of my possibilities I think the only one that remains the most possible in every case(independently from my resources) is jumping from a high building. Lots of ppl do it and most die. Currently I live in a 5 story building and have easy access to the roof top. Hopefully I'll live in a even taller building a year from now but maybe even 5 stories will do the job. I chose this method because it's the easiest, I just jump and that's all, then I fall which I think I might enjoy and then u crash. There will be pain, lots of it, but physical pain ends. And hopefully with it so will this life. Maybe I'll survive till the hospital and die there and I'll suffer longer but I hope I'll die in the end anyway. I dont have access to a gun I'm not in the US, sadly, if so I would choose a gun.So here it is. I wanted and needed to vent. I'm sorry if this is too long, if you read it all, thank you. And whatever you are doing rn, wherever you are, I hope you are alright, i really do. And wanting to die is alright, it really is. Love you all. And thank you, again.
