Story my story of suicidality

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i have had suicidal thoughts i think as long as i can remember. my child hood self was formed by almost completely unmonitored internet access, i fell into the crowd of emos, goths, and weirdos right away, it was just so natural, its who i have always been. i grew up lying about my age so that maybe the older kids i related to online would still talk to me... and well, that didnt end well. i was such an idiot. did i make a few real friends along the way? sure. but i dont think the cost was worth it.. for each genuine friend i made, i came across a thousand snakes and monsters. people that were more than happy to take advantage of me. people i think knew better but didnt care. all of it was just what i thought was normal. drama amongst teens and romance and being artsy, pain was just par for the course. years later as an adult i unravel more and more and realize stuff i dealt with was not as normal as i thought it was. my family was turbulent around me, the adults in my life, my parents who i should have looked up to didnt even know how to control their own feelings. i grew up learning that breaking down and having tantrums is how you express yourself. online i learned that people will love you if you do what they ask and ask nothing back. i held onto these feelings so long. now as a fucking adult im just barely grasping thats not how it needs to be, and im pissed off. mad at everyone who took advantage of me and made me think that was normal for their own sake. now that im not a pawn in others games, it just gets even harder. it was easier to let someone else have every fiber of my being, letting them use me. now i have to forge my own path, but i dont even know where to go. im grieving for the 25 years that lead up to this day when i can finally see it was all such a waste. all of it for other people. i gave everything of myself away, now i am no one. my personality is fear, self hatred, and self doubt. i dont know who i am without giving myself to someone else. i have borderline personality disorder now, it feels like thats all my personality is. just a fucked up traumatized husk, not a real, induvidual person. im a walking defect. i have a few close friends, i even have a boyfriend, i love them dearly. there are some days i feel ok. i stay alive for those people... like always, not for myself. thats just how my life is. i give myself to other people. i make art when i can. but i just know that one day, ill lose those people, theyll be driven away, and thats when i can finally make the decision that I want to make for myself for the first time. ill finally be free.

dont really know why im posting this, i guess just as some kind of weird intro to who i am. thanks if you read this, i hope you are having a safe, maybe even a peaceful or good day out there.