my story/needing advice

[tretion]

I have been suicidal since around 9yo and thats when i had my first attempt.

im now 19 and nothing has changed except for the will of dying getting stronger.

most people are nosey and im sure curious on why i want to do this

from ages 17-18 i was sexualized by my older "friend" she was almost 40.

i dont want to go into crazy details but she got me to sexualize myself to older guys for her benefit.

i just dont want to live knowing im viewed as a sex object to so many, i tried having a boyfriend and even he just sexualized me, i tried telling him i was depressed and he just said oh and then went back to being horny.

I also have reason to believe i may have ocd. I remember being a child convinced i was going to hell if i didnt kill myself, i walked into a church and the first thing i saw was everyone decapitated, i hated it so much i thought i was being targeted by demons.

now every fucking day my brain tries to make me feel like im this disgusting person, like im nothing more than a whore.

my parents idc abt, im not worried abt their reactions to my death they never have gave a fuck about me unless they wanted something, my dad thinks im a whore anyway, he has since i was a child, all bc im a girl.

with that being said, i tried oding on otc pills, it was close to 200 pills it just made me insanely sick

i tried oding on sleeping pills and ended up hallucinating spiders and vomiting in my sleep, i think i had a seizure aswell.

idk what im doing wrong but i have tried hanging myself several times and it never works, i block the carotid arteries but it doesnt do anything

any ideas? again im 19 i dont have access to many things i could use, if there was a bridge near me id use that but there isnt.

 

[R. A.]

god that's rough. what you went through is abuse and your "friend" deserves to burn for it. so sorry you lived through that. you are a person and not an object though i understand how your experiences has led you to feeling that way.

i'm not telling you to do or not do anything, and am only saying this because of your age, but what you've survived is sadly quite common. it is possible to overcome the difficultly of that kind of history and come out ok. doesn't mean you'll never think or feel badly about it, but it doesn't have to define your life. what the path to the other side looks like is different for everyone.

having first attempted at 9, i sadly have nothing to offer at all there aside from apologies you've been hurting so badly for so long...insufficient spiritual hug, if you want it

 

[amerie]

What the actual fuck is that old fart doing hanging out with a minor, let me find her so I can beat her ass. People really don't talk about abusive friendships but they exist and they're so predatory. I'm so sorry

 

[tretion]

god that's rough. what you went through is abuse and your "friend" deserves to burn for it. so sorry you lived through that. you are a person and not an object though i understand how your experiences has led you to feeling that way.

i'm not telling you to do or not do anything, and am only saying this because of your age, but what you've survived is sadly quite common. it is possible to overcome the difficultly of that kind of history and come out ok. doesn't mean you'll never think or feel badly about it, but it doesn't have to define your life. what the path to the other side looks like is different for everyone.

having first attempted at 9, i sadly have nothing to offer at all there aside from apologies you've been hurting so badly for so long...insufficient spiritual hug, if you want it

thank you

What the actual fuck is that old fart doing hanging out with a minor, let me find her so I can beat her ass. People really don't talk about abusive friendships but they exist and they're so predatory. I'm so sorry

i was introduced to her by a older guy i was friends with, i never saw the red flags and i blame myself everyday for it

 

[R. A.]

thank you

i was introduced to her by a older guy i was friends with, i never saw the red flags and i blame myself everyday for it

abusers can do what they do because they're skilled in manipulation. on top of that, there are laws (supposedly) protecting minors from adults for reasons like exactly this. it wasn't your fault

 

[tretion]

abusers can do what they do because they're skilled in manipulation. on top of that, there are laws (supposedly) protecting minors from adults for reasons like exactly this. it wasn't your fault

i dont think law would do anything anyways bc i turned 18 not too long after

 

[R. A.]

i dont think law would do anything anyways bc i turned 18 not too long after

oh, yeah, law is fucking useless for things like this...i meant it more in the "society at least collectively agrees in theory that minors should be protected from gross adults". on the 'not your fault' train <3

 

[tretion]

oh, yeah, law is fucking useless for things like this...i meant it more in the "society at least collectively agrees in theory that minors should be protected from gross adults". on the 'not your fault' train <3

yeahh, thank u

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I don't wanna say empty words but I want you to know that whatever anger you might be feeling, whatever thoughts you may have, maybe they are about revenge, maybe not, it's totally valid, I don't know how you process these things but if you by any chance have something in mind for your abusers, they deserve that and more.

Society is not abuse-friendly or rape-friendly, no , they proudly declare they aren't, they are abuser-friendly and rapist-friendly however and they don't give a shit. I really want to say that I'm sorry but I just feel it's empty words at this point; I am sorry, I feel extremely bad everytime I hear that there is yet another person suffering and angry at the world we live in and the absolute scum that walk it and the ones who enable them.

I hope you can feel safe on this forum for the time being