@todes8ngel
@todes8ngel so you get a notification.
You said something very interesting: that the thoughts come while you are engaged in activities that you love. Strange that you get those thoughts during those times.
What is the link between the activities where you experience the thoughts?
Initially, it appears that the thoughts come during relaxation or recreational time.
You are a high achiever from the activities, accomplishments, etc. that you've documented in the posts. Great high-paying job, great partner, great house, academic scholarship which suggests high marks in high school and college. You also take care of yourself and, with the amount of exercising you do, I don't think I'm far off that you eat healthily. You also don't do drugs or drink. By your admittance the amounts that you do imbibe are negligible. You also love your son and have a great relationship with him. You have a great social circle and network on both the friends and family side. By all accounts you have it going on.
And, yet, CtB ideation.
Why did you capitalize "TRACK"? You didn't capitalize the other sports.
It appeard that since high school you've been gung ho, going non-stop at your goals and objectives. It isn't too much of a stretch to picture younger you performing in the same way. So, I get the picture of a go-getter, a winner, someone who'll excel at whatever she puts her mind to, maybe a bit of a perfectionist.
And, on the other side, there's a woman with CtB ideation. By your own admittance, the thoughts occur during your relaxation, your down, your recreation time. These are the times when you are not actively engaged in the pursuit of a goal. Yes, you may have goals during the activities (going to do 15 reps with 5lbs more weight, get that exfoliation treatment, make sure your son gets a new soccer ball) and they may be different than your goals while studying, on team sports or at the office (or whereever you work).
It almost seems that you get those thoughts when you're not engaged in productive activities. As in, if you're not being productive, then you're failing and, by failing, you think the thoughts.
Alternatively, it is possible that your high achieving, type A, be productive attitude developed as a means to avoid the CtB thoughts. You know, drown yourself in work so you don't have to think about it. Productivity serves as your distraction. Serious props to you on that one.
That brings up some questions:
1. What is the role productivity played from then until now in your life?
2. Can you remember the times and activities in which you had the thoughts in high school? College?
3. Is there some reason why you need to be productive and/or why being non-productive causes you anguish?
4. Is there someone or someones who instilled that work ethic into you and the complementary reaction ro non-productive times?
5. What are you trying to avoid through productivity?
Of course, I am probably way off as well.
A good idea is to get some empirical data. Go out and get a nice Moleskine notebook because they're awesome. Then, when you get a thought write down the date, time, place, activity and the actual thought. Then, take a look at the information you've collected for patterns. It can provide valuable information and help you link things you otherwise would miss.
An intelligent woman such as youself should have no problem creating a list as to why seeing a therapist would be a good idea. Here are a few reasons that I can see.
1. A therapist is objective. This objectivity allows for insights and connections that would otherwise be missed.
2. You have a loving partner and a son who cherishes you. You should make the attempt so that you can be around for them.
3. You probably have excellent health insurance so it's not like you're breaking thr bank just by trying.
4. You can go for two to three months depending on weekly or biweekly sessions to determine whether or not it's working. Once you get past the introduction and exposition phases and get into the meat of things is wheb you'll get an idea as to whether or not continuing is a good idea.
5. You can be happy and enjoy leisure activities without recurring CtB ideation.
6. You sound like a great woman and a great person. There is no reason for you to suffer unnecessarily.
7. How big of a lie and secret are you carrying every day by not expressing the ideation? That eats at you. Atlas may be holding the world but how long can he keep it up while a rat is gnawing at his heels?
8. You can spare a 2 hour block once a week for self-improvement, right?
9. Do you want to back down from the challenge?
10. Seeing a therapist is an unknown unknown. You don't know the results you'll get and you don't know how you can be helped. Don't you want to solve the mystery and can say, definitively, whether on not seeing a therapist helps?
From personal experience, I found an excellent therapist. Working with him allowed me to drill into my past traumas, confront them and move forward. The sessions have given me great insights and I would cone to revelations an hour or so after the session ended. He challenges me to consider things in a different way. He has helped me redefine and restructure horrible moments in my past so that the story of them isn't one where I'm indulging in self-hate, guilt and sel-resentment. He has confidentiality so I don't have to worry about him speading the gossip and revealing things to mutual contacts. We don't have mutual contacts. I don't have to worry that he'll have a little too much to drink and tell everyone in the spa circle.
Best wishes to you and I hope that you can confront and overcome the ideation so that you, your partner and your son can have all the blessings of a long, fruitful relationship. Besides, this took me a while to write and I'd gladly accept you seeing a therapist one time as payment ; )
I hope that this helps you in some form or fashion.
Be well.
