- i'm 26. male.
- no particulairly bad childhood. loving parents. big age difference tho. youngest of 9 kids. all my bros and sis are way older then me.
- ADHD (diagnosed) PTSD/Bipolar/borderline kind of symptons (undiagnosed so hard to pinpoint but in that direction).
- 7 years of antidepressants and even longer (heavy) ADHD medication. think that kinda f'ed me up. had bad cold turkey were i developed more like ptsd kind of symptons
- relationship of 4,5 years ended like 2,5 months. ended bad. I had no control over her anymore, she just did what she wanted the last year and i was extremely unhappy. When we would have just a little argument she would leave me. i was always the one to be the lesser one, let my ego and arguments slide to just let her stay. i couldnt hanlde the stress of being in fights (she's a handfull. got a mother with BPD in a dysfunctional family). so i just wanted it to stop and wanted the relationship to end on my terms (our atleast equal terms. but always 'losing' arguments in fear of losing her and my took a toll on my ego, selfesteem, mental health. Even manhood. a real man would never do this I'd tell myself. It changed her too. ego increase, selfesteem increase. She took everything i threw at her like it was nothing. She'd seen my tricks and i wasn't as clever with it as brefore. She knew she could break me anytime what she couldn't do before. I was balls high in meds back then. i didn't gave a fuck if she would leave or whatever thing she did. i think that made her always come back. Made me look strong, attractive. as soon as i started caring what she did everything changed. this happened when i cold turkey'd out of all my medication (ADHD thing... ). best decision of my life. not.
- it's not entirely her fault. deep down i know i didn't threat her always right the first years of our relationship. i kind of did the same to her. i didn't want to be with her but everytime i said ok fuck this i'm out she would persue me to come back by... doing exactly what i did the last like 1,5 years. so, when i was vulnerable, she did it back to me. didn't care. fuck you as longs as i''m good. beg me long enough i will come back. it's as much her fault as it is mine. meanwhile she came out much better of the relationship then i did. she kind of became me and i became her. the fucking irony. i always knew this relationship was shit. should have left her when i had the change. that haunts me. many things about her haunt me. Everyday at work i have hours of mental replay in which i'm pretty much absent form reality. when colleagues say something like 8 seconds pass and then i say: what ? I'm off drifting in my own made up reality of things past. of things she did and what i did and what i SHOULD have one. i SHOULD have stood up for myself. yeah but you didn't you fucking moron, a little voice would call out. every little succes i have i immiditaly got this voice 'oh now you can do good huh? your shit, you begged her you fucking pussy. if you can't even stand up to her how you gonna make it in this world. makes me feel so fucking bad. I have the tendency lately to take it off on other people around me. like colleagues, parents, friends, sometimes even my little nephews/nieces if they look at me wrong for a few seconds or say something that will shake up my unstable self image. i get this burning rage to not let myself be hurt again or walked over be told what to do. which in turn makes me feel horrible. i'm like you fucking idiot you couldn't stand up to her and now you wanna overcompensate to people who love you, or are nice to you or at the very least have done you little to no harm? what a shit human being you are.
- I still love her. in a mseed up kinda way. there is something attractive about people that can hurt us. makes us, or atleast me, attached. needing. which in turns drives me nuts cause i want to forget her ASAP, be my fucking self and move on. but it's deep. it aint my first break up. i know the process. this one is different. so far.
- I'm somewhat suicidal. By episodes. can't do that to my parents tho. they always been good to me. my dad spent lot of money on my education etc. my mom is very caring. overcaring maybe. they're good, religious, old skool innocent people. early 70's. simple life. very caring/ financially sound. they would never kick me out. well, they wouldn't let me leave either but thats a different topic. I don't want to ruin their lives cause of my fucking mistakes and my inability to cope with life. atleast not right now. I should fight goddamnit. it sucks tho. al this anger, rage. hurt, powerlessness, sadness. comes with kind of uncontrollable waves. basically:
- i'm fucked up. i feel nothing like the person i was 3 years ago. i react entirely different to similair situations. personality issues. forget things all the time. bipolair thoughts. one day i get an idea or how to get my life better then next day nah this is sucks stay at this job. hard to be consistent when your constantly doubting yourself. ofcourse in combination with ADHD which maked you unstable to begin with with.
- just kind of ranting here. could go on for hours. got other things/problems/topics going on which i would like to vent in the future maybe but i'll wanted to keep it somewhat simple and readable for now. first real post. glad this place excists. thank you for taking the time to read the rant of some damaged soul. I know you got your own problems. many far worse. hope you'll overcome them. stay strong.
- no particulairly bad childhood. loving parents. big age difference tho. youngest of 9 kids. all my bros and sis are way older then me.
- ADHD (diagnosed) PTSD/Bipolar/borderline kind of symptons (undiagnosed so hard to pinpoint but in that direction).
- 7 years of antidepressants and even longer (heavy) ADHD medication. think that kinda f'ed me up. had bad cold turkey were i developed more like ptsd kind of symptons
- relationship of 4,5 years ended like 2,5 months. ended bad. I had no control over her anymore, she just did what she wanted the last year and i was extremely unhappy. When we would have just a little argument she would leave me. i was always the one to be the lesser one, let my ego and arguments slide to just let her stay. i couldnt hanlde the stress of being in fights (she's a handfull. got a mother with BPD in a dysfunctional family). so i just wanted it to stop and wanted the relationship to end on my terms (our atleast equal terms. but always 'losing' arguments in fear of losing her and my took a toll on my ego, selfesteem, mental health. Even manhood. a real man would never do this I'd tell myself. It changed her too. ego increase, selfesteem increase. She took everything i threw at her like it was nothing. She'd seen my tricks and i wasn't as clever with it as brefore. She knew she could break me anytime what she couldn't do before. I was balls high in meds back then. i didn't gave a fuck if she would leave or whatever thing she did. i think that made her always come back. Made me look strong, attractive. as soon as i started caring what she did everything changed. this happened when i cold turkey'd out of all my medication (ADHD thing... ). best decision of my life. not.
- it's not entirely her fault. deep down i know i didn't threat her always right the first years of our relationship. i kind of did the same to her. i didn't want to be with her but everytime i said ok fuck this i'm out she would persue me to come back by... doing exactly what i did the last like 1,5 years. so, when i was vulnerable, she did it back to me. didn't care. fuck you as longs as i''m good. beg me long enough i will come back. it's as much her fault as it is mine. meanwhile she came out much better of the relationship then i did. she kind of became me and i became her. the fucking irony. i always knew this relationship was shit. should have left her when i had the change. that haunts me. many things about her haunt me. Everyday at work i have hours of mental replay in which i'm pretty much absent form reality. when colleagues say something like 8 seconds pass and then i say: what ? I'm off drifting in my own made up reality of things past. of things she did and what i did and what i SHOULD have one. i SHOULD have stood up for myself. yeah but you didn't you fucking moron, a little voice would call out. every little succes i have i immiditaly got this voice 'oh now you can do good huh? your shit, you begged her you fucking pussy. if you can't even stand up to her how you gonna make it in this world. makes me feel so fucking bad. I have the tendency lately to take it off on other people around me. like colleagues, parents, friends, sometimes even my little nephews/nieces if they look at me wrong for a few seconds or say something that will shake up my unstable self image. i get this burning rage to not let myself be hurt again or walked over be told what to do. which in turn makes me feel horrible. i'm like you fucking idiot you couldn't stand up to her and now you wanna overcompensate to people who love you, or are nice to you or at the very least have done you little to no harm? what a shit human being you are.
- I still love her. in a mseed up kinda way. there is something attractive about people that can hurt us. makes us, or atleast me, attached. needing. which in turns drives me nuts cause i want to forget her ASAP, be my fucking self and move on. but it's deep. it aint my first break up. i know the process. this one is different. so far.
- I'm somewhat suicidal. By episodes. can't do that to my parents tho. they always been good to me. my dad spent lot of money on my education etc. my mom is very caring. overcaring maybe. they're good, religious, old skool innocent people. early 70's. simple life. very caring/ financially sound. they would never kick me out. well, they wouldn't let me leave either but thats a different topic. I don't want to ruin their lives cause of my fucking mistakes and my inability to cope with life. atleast not right now. I should fight goddamnit. it sucks tho. al this anger, rage. hurt, powerlessness, sadness. comes with kind of uncontrollable waves. basically:
- i'm fucked up. i feel nothing like the person i was 3 years ago. i react entirely different to similair situations. personality issues. forget things all the time. bipolair thoughts. one day i get an idea or how to get my life better then next day nah this is sucks stay at this job. hard to be consistent when your constantly doubting yourself. ofcourse in combination with ADHD which maked you unstable to begin with with.
- just kind of ranting here. could go on for hours. got other things/problems/topics going on which i would like to vent in the future maybe but i'll wanted to keep it somewhat simple and readable for now. first real post. glad this place excists. thank you for taking the time to read the rant of some damaged soul. I know you got your own problems. many far worse. hope you'll overcome them. stay strong.
