Hydrokhoos
Member
- Dec 1, 2019
- 68
I know this post might receive a negative response, but this is something I've been wanting to get off my chest. Not sure if this could really be considered "CTB" or a "method," but I was ready for my life to end.
I've told some people that I've tried to CTB before, but it's not exactly the full truth. I always say it was pills and pray they don't ask for any details past that. I haven't told anyone the truth before because I'm afraid it'll get brushed off and not be considered a real attempt. Really I'd just call it fortunate timing and an inability to access much else.
The full truth is that I got a UTI, which turned into a staph infection in my kidneys, which turned into me just...letting my body shut down.
A few things to help you understand my situation. I had recently moved to a foreign country for a work assignment that was supposed to last 1 year, I made it 5 months before this incident happened. The town we were staying in was incredibly small. One gas station, one very small limited grocery store, and the main street that ran through town with zero stop signs or stop lights. The only way I could still even self-harm was with a kitchen knife I had bought at the grocery store. I couldn't order anything without going through the office of the organization I worked for, and I shared a room with someone so anything I purchased would've been difficult to hide and I rarely got time alone. These circumstances really limited my ability to plan much.
So when I got a UTI for the second time, I was so ready to be out of my situation that I decided to just let the infection spread to my blood and that would be that. Added bonus: I wouldn't have to leave everyone wondering why I'd choose to end things myself. It felt like having an alibi for suicide or something like that. I felt better knowing that those I loved back home would hurt a little bit less given the circumstances of my death. It seems a little too far to call it a "method," but it worked for me.
It was a slow, painful, almost death that took a few weeks to really take effect. Every day my lower back hurt more and more, and eventually I could feel my body starting to shut down. I had a fever and could barely walk by the end of it. I managed to walk to the beach (took me about 2 minutes) where I wore a bikini underneath a sundress, laid down on my towel, closed my eyes, and relaxed. My alternative was staying in my apartment where I shared a room with someone who was particularly abusive to me, so they definitely would have noticed and taken me to the ER. Trying to make it look like I was just enjoying a day at the beach was my best bet. I let the pain take over and felt myself slowly slipping away. I was at peace knowing it would all be over soon. The sound of the ocean and the hot sun on my face were the only things on my mind.
What I didn't count on was that this was Easter Sunday. The typically relatively empty beach attracted several family's once church had ended that day. I'm not entirely sure what happened because I was passed out by this point, but someone noticed I was actually unconscious and called an ambulance for me. I got put on antibiotics and now over 2.5 years later I still have severe sunburn scarring on my chest and damaged kidneys to show for it. And in some weird, cruel, irony, after years of getting UTI's every few months, I haven't had one since then (or my body has successfully fought it off on its own).
Trying to plan things out this time around is so exhausting.
I've told some people that I've tried to CTB before, but it's not exactly the full truth. I always say it was pills and pray they don't ask for any details past that. I haven't told anyone the truth before because I'm afraid it'll get brushed off and not be considered a real attempt. Really I'd just call it fortunate timing and an inability to access much else.
The full truth is that I got a UTI, which turned into a staph infection in my kidneys, which turned into me just...letting my body shut down.
A few things to help you understand my situation. I had recently moved to a foreign country for a work assignment that was supposed to last 1 year, I made it 5 months before this incident happened. The town we were staying in was incredibly small. One gas station, one very small limited grocery store, and the main street that ran through town with zero stop signs or stop lights. The only way I could still even self-harm was with a kitchen knife I had bought at the grocery store. I couldn't order anything without going through the office of the organization I worked for, and I shared a room with someone so anything I purchased would've been difficult to hide and I rarely got time alone. These circumstances really limited my ability to plan much.
So when I got a UTI for the second time, I was so ready to be out of my situation that I decided to just let the infection spread to my blood and that would be that. Added bonus: I wouldn't have to leave everyone wondering why I'd choose to end things myself. It felt like having an alibi for suicide or something like that. I felt better knowing that those I loved back home would hurt a little bit less given the circumstances of my death. It seems a little too far to call it a "method," but it worked for me.
It was a slow, painful, almost death that took a few weeks to really take effect. Every day my lower back hurt more and more, and eventually I could feel my body starting to shut down. I had a fever and could barely walk by the end of it. I managed to walk to the beach (took me about 2 minutes) where I wore a bikini underneath a sundress, laid down on my towel, closed my eyes, and relaxed. My alternative was staying in my apartment where I shared a room with someone who was particularly abusive to me, so they definitely would have noticed and taken me to the ER. Trying to make it look like I was just enjoying a day at the beach was my best bet. I let the pain take over and felt myself slowly slipping away. I was at peace knowing it would all be over soon. The sound of the ocean and the hot sun on my face were the only things on my mind.
What I didn't count on was that this was Easter Sunday. The typically relatively empty beach attracted several family's once church had ended that day. I'm not entirely sure what happened because I was passed out by this point, but someone noticed I was actually unconscious and called an ambulance for me. I got put on antibiotics and now over 2.5 years later I still have severe sunburn scarring on my chest and damaged kidneys to show for it. And in some weird, cruel, irony, after years of getting UTI's every few months, I haven't had one since then (or my body has successfully fought it off on its own).
Trying to plan things out this time around is so exhausting.
